Mixed signals - catfan's continual saga part???

[Dom R]

Hmmm.

i guess it depends on the job, and it depends on the two peoples' working styles.

I know some people who I would be able to work together well with, as both coworker and roommate.. and others who I most definately would not. most fall in the "not" category.

its an interesting concept to consider, though:
that perhaps if two married people cant work together.. then maybe there is something seriously missing/out of whack with their relationship.

(ie: positive conflict resolution, for one?)

[catfan]

So it seems I go longer and longer between posts now. Basically I have settled into a level of acceptance that I neither want or like. But I must persevere although I do get bouts of the blues where I want to throw in the towel. It's all so mentally and emotionally draining. But I'll get through this little bout of the blues, at least I know they only last short amounts of time now and not days on end. So much of these bouts come from other influences like being unemployed. Yep now beginning month three and I definitely am in the dog days of the job search.

As for my wife, well I have confirmation that she's confused, doesn't have any intention of filing this year and never did engage in any type of EA. But she's thinking about dating because she wants adult companionship but supposedly only for conversation and not romance. Not sure I really believe that.

I'm trying to give her space for her but really for me. I need to work through a few more things, prove some things to myself. She's been out of the country on business since last Tuesday and this is a good opportunity to work on me. But of course it's difficult as we all know. Hopefully the extended time apart and space will help her and help us.

[Dom R]

Heya... nice to see something from you. sorry to hear that it is negative though.

she's thinking about dating because she wants adult companionship but supposedly only for conversation and not romance. Not sure I really believe that.

Nor should you. It makes no sense. If she wants "adult companionship", why isnt she looking for FEMALE FRIENDS, rather than "dating" ? If she wants conversation, why does she need to go on a "date", rather than in a group? more people == more "conversation". Nope, makes no sense.

And given that, why would you possibly believe that she wasnt really in an EA? That also, makes no sense.

What this suggests to me is:

1. the EA broke up.
2. she's in withdrawal from the romantic "high", and wants another hit
3. she wants more, and she cant get it from your old boring relationship; so, rather than going back to you, she's setting herself up for another "new, exciting romance" to get that feeling back again.

May I suggest, that you:

1. try to still keep a positive mental attitude
2. keep yourself as sharp and sexy as you can at all times
3. occasionally offer, but in no way pressure her, to do some fun activities together, while she hunts for "Mr. Next".

Perhaps you might be able to rekindle some interest in you, to the point where she will reconsider you for the position.

[catfan]

Well my journey continues and it's good! So what is so good? Well I realized this morning as I walked back from dropping of my kids at school just how happy I am with myself right now. But the real telling sign was as I walked past a couple and smiled. I smiled in the wonder of what I saw and heard. He was dropping her off at work, they kissed and said to each other at the same time, in these wonderful tones of love, Happy 30th!

At that moment I realized I had turned a really big corner. For a long time I would get drug down by such physical affections of love in public. Early on I would get physically sick. Not now, all I see is the wonder of love and it feels really, really good to see and feel that way! I guess the hopeless romantic inside me isn't dead. LOL!

Have a great day everyone!

Oh and Dom, yep doing all those things, still battling the momentary bouts of the blues but thankfully when they come they only last a short time and it's not too often now!

Also a positive note, it seems she might be feeling the affects of so much time alone overseas. She's chatted my ear off the last couple of times she called to talk to the girls. Asking me all kinds of questions about my day and stuff. I'm responsive but a little elusive, don't ask her too much and it seems to pique her interest in talking and connecting. She's also sent a number of emails telling me about things or sending photos. I just tell her thank you when she calls. So being a bit mysterious yet friendly and definitely not prying or applying pressure.

[Dom R]

sounds like you're doing great. nice goin, chum

[catfan]

So I just have to post this as the ying to my blues yang the other day. It's just a GREAT day. No real reason, it just is and it feels great to be having these days again!!!

Yes I am finally getting happy with myself. Funny because one would thing I have every reason in the world to be the opposite, the job search continues and it's been a struggle these last two months at times, I'm fast approaching 1 year of separation, I'm pretty much broke now.

But hey as I stop and look around me the one thing I do see is love. Love from my kids, from my family, from my friends, from the family pet, love between people all around and even a glimmer of love from my walk away wife. Not to mention God's love! I'm fairly healthy, I do have some excellent job leads, my kids think I am the greatest Dad in the world, even my wife thinks I'm a great Dad. My family is supportive without being overbearing and judgmental, my friends are the same.

No matter how you slice it life is good. Sure there are things that can improve but shoot there's so much to celebrate!

[FLTC]

Hey CF,

Quick note between the Ramadan morter attacks! sounds like you're doing well, or as well as you can. The need for adult companionship is infuriating. You're kind of like me....you probably want to jsut blow the whole thing up, but don't want to push anyone over the edge. I'm not sure what is going on in your W's mind. She must be confused if she is not filing for a D., but still wants to date? WHAT?????

I'm getting emails from a very attractive woman from work, who is very eligible. I write back, but never cross the line. She is very desirable to me as well, and I know what I would do/will do if things fall apart, but I would never just date her (provided I was in the US!) for companionship, although we all get to that point where we no longer want to be unloved or celibate of uncared or or alone, or any of the other shi**y stuff that goes with this horrible way of life.....I don't recognize ANYONE here anymore. Are you really coming up on a year? Wow, I guess so, 10/06!

[FaithfulH]

Catfan,

You sound like you are in a great place...and I thoroughly enjoyed reading your thread....cause I see lots of signs that parallel my own sitch....just a few months behind. Here's what I see in common:

• You are getting stronger by the day...as I was
• You still have doubts/questions about your W and her commitment...I did too
• Your W is sending lots of mixed signals but the balance of good to bad is shifting noticably to the good...like mine was
• Yet you STILL have doubts at times on whether you will ever reconcile...as did I

If I am correct (and you keep focused on detaching, GAL, etc)...your W is right around the corner from jumping back into reconcilation/restoration with both feet.

My W and I are almost 4 months into our reconciliation and it is UTTERLY AMAZING (and that is an understatement). Here's what I know now looking back on my sitch (with the benefit of my W filling in a lot of blanks):

• We NEVER see clearly what is going on in our sitch...but, we see CLEARER as time goes on
• It is nearly impossible to keep the "fog" of emotion from tainting our view
• We often "chalk up" our spouses actions to negative motives...when none exist. (Corollary: they do the same to us!)
• Time and Space is the greatest gift we can give our spouses during these trials...and it is a gift to us as well (even though it doesn't seem like it at the time). My W told me last week, I needed to separate from you to get my head together. Wow, I thought it was all about me!

A funny story: this weekend my W and I were out on a "date" and we stopped in Crate and Barrel to pick up some wine glasses (for our new wine tasting hobby we enjoy together)...we chatted with the clerk for quite awhile and near the end she said, "I have to tell you that you seem so happy together....like you REALLY enjoy doing things together"...we both smiled and said, "You're right, we do!" Little did she know...my W only withdrew the divorce action last week!

Catfan - Times like these are in your future...I'm praying for that!

[FLTC]

CF,

You do seem to be writing less these days. You used to post like a champ, as we all did in our search for hope an comfort. Maybe it's growth or acceptance...who knows. I don't get a lot of chance to post, but in the dark of the night, I still am unbearably sad for the situation and my kids...........

[catfan]

faithfulH,

You may be right but I'm not sure. She's lost in a fog that's for certain. However the next few days should give me a further glimpse. She came back on Sunday after being overseas for 2 weeks on business. She called every night to talk to all of us, yes all of us. At times I am not sure she really wanted to talk to me but she did. Other times she was a chatter box as much as she ever could be. But our conversations were never more than 10 minutes. I don't read into that because she's not a phone chatter, never has been.

Her flight on Sunday was to arrive at 7:30 pm, ultimately she was 4 hours late due to delays. So she arrived after midnight. I ended up staying at the house Sunday night. When she got home it was nearly 1 AM and I was up watching TV. She came in got settled and we chatted a little. As I was heading to bed in our guest room she said to me in a very nice tone, thanks for waiting up, it was nice not to come home to a dark house. :-)

Yesterday morning I got up got the kids ready for school so she didn't have to worry about that. As she left to take the kids to school again in a similar tone, thank you for taking care of everything this morning. She then gave me a big tight hug. Man if felt good to get a hug from her like that!

Now the twist to all of this, Sunday afternoon I discovered her car wouldn't start. I didn't think it was the battery because lights, radio etc worked fine, it just wouldn't turn over. Almost like the starter motor had failed. Well I have made all arrangement to get that fixed now. But yesterday before I did anything the service rep wanted me to try to jump it with my truck, which I loaned her. So in the afternoon she picked me up and we tried but failed to jump her car. As we sat down she said why don't I stick around keep her company. She ended up napping after we had chatted about nothing really. We got the kids from school and she invited me to eat with them. We had a really good dinner and nice time visiting afterwards.

So not a bad way to start after her return. We'll see about the rest of the week. I'm going to give her all the space in the world this week to, don't want her to think I'm needy or anything.

FLTC,

I guess it's acceptance more than anything. For me a lot of the pain is dulling finally but also I have found things that truly make me happy stuff I can get excited about. Sure being a great Dad is tops there but now I don't get so sad when I'm not with them. I enjoy the memories and look forward to being with them again. Plus I just look around now and see and feel positive energy finally, appreciating a lot of the little things in life like seeing an older couple expressing their feelings towards one another or just marveling at the wonderful sunny day.