Cell phone numbers are hard to track, the companies that say they can will call the person and get them to tell there name and all you will get is a first name, and then it will all backfire with mistrust in your face. Stop snooping now! I mean it!
Now this is how you do that.
See you saw a number, a lot, and you have an A thought. This A thought automatically leads to a B behavior, further snooping, investigating on the net, etc. Well these B behaviors, such as a phone call will lead to C consequences. The consequence will be that once H finds out, which he will, I was busted, you are so far back you have no idea.
When you haave an A thought skip B and C and immediately think the letter D. D is reality, it is the ground. Maybe that number is his fantasy football buddy, the UPS store, his boss, maybe the OW. The point is you don't know, and you don't want to know.
What you need to know is the answer to this question, which it appears you have stated before above. Over the next 48 hours I want you to think this through. Is an A crossing the line for you? If it is, then don't snoop you will find out soon enough and then you can leave the M. If it isn't then you need to back off or he will run with her and you will not see him again. Think about it for a while, if he was sincere and loved you, had remorse and sought your forgiveness, could you.
HI Atlas You are correct in what you are saying and we just had a good swap of our S. However I did do one of these search services from work before I left. Will they tell the person that I am the one inquiring?
This is not worth the consequences. Is there anyway I can cancel my request. Will they tell them it is for me?
It should be confidential, BUT your H OW is going to go like this "I got the weirdest phone call today..." and since he listens to her, he will say "Oh, really what happened?"
So you see where this is going, then you have OW and H pitted against you because your causing them problems. You are drawing the circles and placing them in one and you in your own alone. Think like this, do you want him in your circle or her circle? If it is your's are you doing something that he will respond positively too.
When is the last time on TV, real life a book, whatever, the person playing your H said "Why Thank you for snooping on me, I'm so glad you caught me so that we could live happily..."
They don't they scream and yell, you've ruined his trust. It sucks but they are selfish ego stroking idiots right now, with no logic and heart. Just back off and see what happens.
Lissie has been clear that if her H is having an A, thats a line in the marriage. Similar to me - I did snoop - and yes it hurt to find out because it meant my marriage is over (if she had confessed and apologised thats one thing, but acting in denial and being dishonest while having the A is almost unforgiveable, and while I admire the DB principles, facts are that not too many couple make it back from that sitch.
The only danger here is if Lissie's H is not having an A and he finds out - well how would he?
Me - 39 W - 33 M - 5yrs Bomb - 8/5 2007 Moving out - 9/8 2007
psych- I'm really sorry to hear about your M and the direction you seem to be taking. I know it must be hard and you're in my prayers. I wish I could tell you to push on, that it's worth it but it hasn't happened to me so I can't. In any case, I'm glad to see you here again. All the best
Well I have been on a roller coaster of emotions this week, searching for hope among the debris of stories about what R are like after infidelity. I know deep down that some couple make it, but if we are all honest, those that flourish into better things versus those that just stick together either for the sake of the kids or other reasons, are few and far between - the threads on DB are testament to that fact.
I feel the window is closing on my marriage - unless she does something out of character and opens up, is honest, and assures me it is over before too long, I think I will walk away with my chin held high, having learnt a painful lesson, but having recognised that I kept my integrity, my faith, and my love intact through this experience. I will always love her no matter what, but I simply cannot or will not live the rest of my life with someone who so easily throws all my love away for the sake of an A with an ex. We will stay friends I am sure, and who knows what the future holds (no guarantees in life right), but right now, we are done unless something changes pretty quickly.
I want to thank everyone on here who took the time to post to me - at times I felt myself giving DB advice to others as well which has helped. I will keep DBing whatever the future holds because its the way to make the future better, and a reminder of the pain of a marriage break up. I am excited about my future - about the new friends I am now making, about the new hobbies / interests I have started, and of course,about meeting someone who will return what I have to offer.
I'll keep posting, and no doubt will still have my ups and down, but thanks again.
Me - 39 W - 33 M - 5yrs Bomb - 8/5 2007 Moving out - 9/8 2007
HI Psch Sorry to hear you are on a roller coaster this week. I will keep my fingers crossed that your meeting on Sunday goes well. I know you know that she is talking with her Ex but do you know for sure that they are more than friends.
I agree that you should walk away with your chin held high and move on it that is what you are ready to do. Maybe once you do that it will be the eye opener that she needs to see what a wonderful man you are.
Thank you for all of your help and advice on this board and keep in touch. I am thinking of you and hoping all goes well this weekend.
Psch. You are good man, don't ever forget that. You are also striving at becoming an even better man with each passing day, keep that momentum going. Continue to keep you chin up and purse your own happiness in life. Many of us are here because we lost track of our own happiness, which in return affected our M. Stay strong, stay positive and continue on your path to happiness.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
This week, we had NC days, and we have had days when we swapped very friendly text message about what we are doing. I always sign mine off with a x (as I always have done), she just signs off with her initial. There was an incident Monday where I bought some books into work for her (she left them behind when she left Saturday) and she sent me a text saying "no need to bring anything else in, we can sort that stuff out later ....no rush" - anyone want to take a stab at deciphering that one??
So we have agreed to meet Sunday, so she can meet the dogs. If you have read my thread, you will also know that I intimated we needed to end this, and so that subject will likely come up.
All I know right now, is that I am totally confused. From her side, there is likely one of 4 things she is doing:
1) Genuinely trying to use her new space, freedom, and time to decide whether she wants out or back in 2) She has already decided she is out, but is trying to string this along until May 2008 so she will get her GC before we divorce 3) She has already decided she is out, and is planning a new life with the OM 4) Combo of 2) and 3)
I want to be the bigger man here, irrespective of whether she is having the A and/or planning a new life with this guy. Its incredibly hard because he is an ex she left for me, but I think I can forgive her.
So the question is what I do on Sunday, if she does not demand a divorce herself.
Do I:
1) Tell her I can't tread water, and that if we aren't moving forward then we are moving towards divorce 2) Tell her that while I don't know if she is planning to be with him, I do know they have been communicating frequently and that as a result, she must either agree to stop and take the time she asked for to really figure out what she wants, or she must accept my request for a divorce 3) Tell her nothing - just act 'as if' and see what develops - is she has left me anyway and is abusing me already, the only final damage that can be done is me feeling bietter that she used me to get her GC
And there is the conundrum - she wants to remain friends, and so do I, but if 3) above plays out, I am not sure I could forgive this final deception and I feel that would damage my heart more than she already has.
Any help, advice, experience really appreciated pls.....?
Me - 39 W - 33 M - 5yrs Bomb - 8/5 2007 Moving out - 9/8 2007
