Rollar Coasters are no longer fun

[Amy]

Well, I started a new thread and i am back with a new attitude or so I hope. I have so many mixed emotions in my head I don’t know where to begin. I am going to briefly go over my sit paraphrased and then let you know where we are now and see what you think.

In January of 2006 my husband was hospitalized for being suicidal. 12 days later he came home and 5 days after that let me know he met a woman in the hospital who understood him better than I ever did. He was “in love” and he was leaving me. That lasted about a week and then he came back. Shortly after coming back I had to have him taken out of the home by the police because he had a knife to his throat. He was hospitalized again and did not return to me until 3 months later. During this time he was diagnosed as bipolar and this is where my storey begins.

He came home in May of 2006 with a list of ultimatums and I agreed to everyone just because I wanted him home. I didn’t care what I had to do. I would have walked through fire. (pathetic I know). Rules were
• I could not ask about his affair.
• I could not talk about his illness
• I could not ever bring up anything he did over the past 3 months
• Absolutely no marital counseling.

Needless to say 15 months later he came home one day only to tell me he didn’t love me anymore and really had been faking it the past 3 months. He told me that he was sick of faking it and feeling empty and he wanted out. He also promised he wouldn’t leave because he knew it would hurt the kids to much.

2 weeks later after our family vacation he packed up and moved out 2 days before school started. This was hardest on my oldest who was new to middle school this year. At first I was done, I didn’t think I could do this anymore and the anger was unreal. I read book after book on bipolar. I also ready Love must be tough, by dr. James Dobson, I don’t love you anymore by Dave Clark, Divorce Remedy and Divorce Busting by Michelle, and the list goes on. I have gotten so many different opinions and so many different ideas. The one thing that is most difficult though is these techniques do necessarily say they apply to the mentally ill.

That being said I have tried to give him more space this time. It has not been easy. He has been spending the night with the other woman from 15 months ago. He says they are only “friends”. She is involved with someone else who is always there but….it still eats at me. He met some guys at a bar and crashes at their place a lot and sometimes sleeps in his car. He says there is no other woman and that he just wants to be homeless and have no worries. I am left at home with the 5 children and all the worries. (I am trying not to be sarcastic but…..) I should point out he was and has been an un-medicated bipolar. At this time he is getting back on meds or so he says.

Here is where I am confused for 4 weeks he was adamant that we were divorcing. I never said much but just tried to keep calm. Then on Labor day we ended up sleeping together. (I am not sure exactly why I was that dumb. It was a whirlwind). Well he told me he wanted to work on things and he thought maybe they could work etc…. four hours later he called me to tell me he hated me and that he was wrong it wouldn’t work. Tuesday night we met with a bipolar friend and talked a lot and things seemed to calm. On Friday he was supposed to take my son to the movies and didn’t show so my son called him. He tried to back out so I got on the phone and said don’t tell them your coming again if your not and then he said Fine I will take the F***ing kid to the F***ing movie. (I should point out I was doing dishes and the speaker was on) My son was devastated and didn’t want to go at that point. After some coaxing and etc he went to the movies with my other son and my husband. When they got back I was told that daddy made them promise not to tell me but that they went to a rated R movie. (they are 11 and 9 and I was not happy) I bit my tongue so there were no issues.

On Saturday he asked me to meet him at the mall with my girls so he could spend time with them. I left him with 4 of the 5 kids because another was at a sleepover and started walking off and he yelled after me and asked me to come with them. We had a great time. We enjoyed the day it was amazing. Then when time to go I asked him if he wanted the kids that evening also since it was supposed to be his weekend and he snapped. He was so mad because he thought I had a date. (as if) He started to drive off and my purse was in his car so I reached in to get it and he rolled the car window on my arm. He kept it there for quite a while rolling it down a little and then cramming it up further. My kids saw it and needless to say it was horrid. He swore on Monday he would file for divorce he hated me.

Monday he came over to the house to make spaghetti for the kids. I always leave so he can have the kids and the house. He called me and asked me to come back to eat with them. I did and everything went great. He asked me if Tuesday I wanted to go for a soda and I said sure. Tuesday he called and said he changed his mind maybe Wednesday (today). Today he called and said never mind how about tomorrow.

Now that I have rambled forever here are my questions.

1) How would you handle this?
2) Should I simply tell him no we can not go out because I feel this is his way of controlling me. If I think I am going with him I can’t make other plans.
3) Was what he did with my arm considered physical abuse? I am very unsure about this but I was terrified.

I really don’t know what to do or where to go from here. I just know I love him. I want my family back together but not if it is going to be broken and violent.

I have really changed a lot in the past couple of weeks. I have joined a womans bible study on Tuesdays. I attend Wednesday bible studies. I go to church on Sundays and I have found an entire new group of Christian friends. When I tell him about my church or that he is in my prayers he is violently mad. He calls me”Jesus”.

I am wondering if maybe sometimes it is better to throw in the towel. I don't want to but I know biblically I do have grounds for divorce because of the adultery. I dont want this but I am starting to worry that I am going to lose myself in all of this and I am worried about my children. (whole different story for a different day)

I am very lost and would appreciate so much the feedback from any of you.

Sorry to be so lengthy.

[braveheart]

Based on what you have said I think your H has some serious mental issues. I don't know if this is so much a troubled marriage as it is a troubled mind for him. I think he needs some major psych help.

[BryanS]

Maybe you need to set some boundaries. Tell him you like spending time with him and the kids but that the verbal and now physical abuse will not stand. Point out that you are protecting yourself but also that you're protecting your kids from having to see this kind of behavior. Tell him if it happens that way again, he will still be able to see the kids but not with you, not in your house (he moved out, that makes it yours), and not with the same level of flexibility. He's enjoying a lot of benefits right now in terms of access to you and your kids. I'm not suggesting that you threaten him, just that you lay out where the boundaries are and what will happen if he crosses them again. Be respectful but firm. Something like I know you're under a lot of pressure but I can't allow myself or my kids to be part of your reactions to that pressure any longer. It may push him away but for my $.02, I not sure that's 100% a bad thing right now.

[Amy]

I agree I need to set boundaries. I have none. I am where he wants me when he wants me how he wants me. He says jump and I say how high. I know he has mental issues and that is 90% of our issue. Our marriage was great before he had his two accidents which left him injured for life and since that in 2005 he hasn't been the man I married.

His only thing he says bad about me is that I did not give him enough sympathy during his recovery and it hurt him to the point he cant get past it.

I am not saying i am the perfect wife but...
I love sex as much as any man and if he didn't initiate it I did daily.
I let him go out whenever he wanted with never questioning and always supporting him having friends and alone time.
I do all of the housework and that includes the yard work, laying 1600 square foot of tile in our home, and hanging drywall with him in our new kitchen.
He says I am perfect in every way except I wasn't loving enough during that time. I just don't get how that can be justification to destroy this family.

Sorry just venting...

The one thing that scares me is he has the I don't want you but I don't want anyone else to have you mentality and I am very worried about what he will do if I even go out with friends.

Today when I talked with him he was cordial. Just called one more time to say he wont be here for his night with the kids tonight. Just one more disappointment.

I think boundaries and space are going to be the next goal of mine to get taken care of.

[Amy]

OK I failed my goals... here is where we are now help.. this may take a while....

We had a big blow up on Friday night. The details are not fun so i wont go into them but it was bad. On Saturday he had decided to have my cell phone cut off. I panicked because he was getting nastier and talked to all of my family and friends and made the decision I would most likely move up north to where I come from about 1400 miles from here.

He sends me the following email.

""Some of what I hear you want to know about is,

The dogs / animals, I will take care of them.

The kids stuff, if you leave their stuff I'll put it into storage.

The house, I'll get things cleaned up and fixed up then sell it. You can stay in the house as long as possible if you continue to stay here in the state, if you move out, I will proceed with fixing it up and selling it.

The Van, I wont report it stolen, and I will continue to pay for it until the divorce is final, and we can see what has to happen then.

Going out of state, I don't mind if you take the kids out of state for a few months or until this thing is resolved, but I do not consent to a permanent move.
We will keep the current visitation, 1 day a week and every other weekend.

The kids and your insurance, well of course I will take care of that until everything is finalized, and then I will continue to take care of the kids.

All bill info needs to be turned over to me.

My work laptop and key fob needs to be turned over to me.

Meeting today, well as much as I don't think we should, we can meet around 3:30 at mall, I'll bring my parents you can bring Jodie if you like or whomever.

Anything else we can fill in on this sheet and we both can sign it, as well as get it notarized, also if you are agreeable my mother can notarize it, if not we will have to make other arrangements, I will only sign what we agree upon in front of a notary.

On monday, I will try to set up some child support for you, you will need to have a bank account so I can have it direct deposited into that account.

Please go over this before we meet, and make any correction you may want. I will do the same until we have what we both can agree upon and then we can meet to sign this. We should only be meeting to sign this, anything else should be done in front of a attorney. I feel like you, we can agree upon what we both want without the cost of an attorney, so we can best do this be email, then to meet to sign the paper.""

I send back what I want and hear nothing back from him. (did find out that he and his girlfriend were in a car wreck on Saturday afternoon and that is why we couldn't meet) On Sunday no contact at all. My daughter called him like 5 times and he wouldn’t even answer her. On Monday morning I was still thinking I was going to move but I wasn’t sure what to do so my sister said she had to have a decision by 10 am to get plane tickets. I text him I need to talk to him by 10 am or I would have to make the decision without him.

He immediately called and asked me to come to his work. I went and we talked and talked and so much went on and he finally convinced me to stay for a bit. Later that day he called me and told me he was in love with two women and didn’t know what to do.

I called him back an hour later and said I deserve better than being the other woman. I said that I was going to take off my wedding rings and if he was gonna go out so was I. I asked him what time he would be at the house to look at my pipes that were backing up and told him I would go out with friends while he did that. He begged me to be there because he wanted to talk.

That night he came over talked to me again and told me he loved me and he was going to try to let the other woman go but he didn’t want to hurt her so he would let her down easy. We had an amazing night and even went to a local park and made love on the boardwalk out under the stars (craziest thing we have ever done) it was awesome. After it was over he told me he was going to spend the night at his moms and go from there.

Well then…..this morning I drive by and he is not at his moms (we live 4 houses away). I called him and talked to him and he asked me to meet him at his work again. I go there and he tells me he stayed with her and that he was confused. I made him call her in front of me and tell her what we did and he did and she did what I thought and she said it was over. Well I am not sure that was a good idea.

This afternoon he called me back and told me it was over he was seeing a lawyer and that he was divorcing me. He went to his lawyer and decided on trying mediation and asked me if I would. I said sure (trying to divorce bust here) The mediator called me and said he comes to tampa every 5 weeks and that he would be here Monday. I said sorry Monday is no good so I will go for the end of October date. That bought me 5 weeks. Ok so I have no intention of cooperating with this but….

Tonight the kids and him all went to the movies with us and we had a great time it was amazing and as soon as it was over he got short and nasty with me and told me nothing changed and we were still divorcing.

Can you all please tell me at this point what do I do? How do I divorce bust?? Please help me because I am totally confused and this is my last shot. I have 5 weeks to get my act together. Can you all please advise??

My opinion is he doesn't want me right now but doesn't want anyone else to have me. I know by how he looks at me and acts that he really loves me. HELP

What is the best way to DB this and I mean i really need some hard core lecturing here because I am the worlds worst divorce buster ever....

[Amy]

I might also add the only time he seems interested in me is when he thinks I might have found someone else. He actually blows me off until I tell him I am moving on. I am desperate here for some advice. I have no money to call a DB coach or i would. Right now we are in debt up to our eyeballs and beyond.

[mkultra]

Part of me thinks you need to pack up your kids and move to a different state and not leave him the forwarding address.

My next door neighbour counsels couples as her ministry in her church. She used to tell me what God binds together let no man break apart kind of stuff. I was grateful to have a pro marriage person who understood me. Until one day when she heard the hateful verbal abuse my H spewed to me in the garage away from the kids. She heard it and approached me the next day. She cried and said that his abuse would escalate because my unconditional love repulsed him and made him feel even more shame and guilt. IIn my H's eyes, it would be easier for me to hate him and react like a wicked person than to stand lovingly by his side while he was disrespecting me.

Your H is beyond your help. He is mentally ill and should probably only have suprevised visits with your kids. You may need a forum that deals with bipolar as this sounds way extreme, beyond MLC stuff. Where are his parents in all of this? His meds are up to him. For better or worse is one thing but how can you help him if you are being abused yourself? Think of how this look sto your kids. They will start to normalize this sitch and accept it. Oh goodness, I am not a TH but that is a huge fear of mine with my kids so I have to stand up for myself to show my D6 not to accept a bad man/ mean man/ yelling man, etc.

[Amy]

I know and I have thought about that. I will say that he did get on meds last week and his parents are trying to be there for him. He is just really struggling.

Part of me wants to run also but then I just read an entire book on how fear is a sin and we need to trust God so that is what i am doing or trying to.

My biggest problem now is what do people do to talk themselves out of calling him, counseling him, trying to be there for him when he doesn't want me. Every time he thinks he is losing me he realizes he loves me so at this point what i have to do is basically not be available to him but I am very weak when it comes to him. VERY WEAK.

[Amy]

Well today was lets just say eventful. I dropped my daughter off at my mother in laws and my husband was there. We talked just a second and then I started to leave.

He said can I ask you something...He said it doesn't matter but i was just wondering.... i am like ok what and he says "Why aren't you wearing your wedding rings?" Well the truth is that they are way to big now and I keep losing them because I have lost SOOOO much weight. I just said no reason and walked off.

That was to me a sign he still cares.. am I right?

[Amy]

Tonight we talked a little and he said he doesn't want to hear from me again how much I care for and believe in him. Soooo I guess i am going to really have to start divorce busting and just simply NOT say anything. I am begging for advice on this from any of you.

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