lwb, d3 wakes up every single morning crying that daddy isn't there to get her. every single blessed morning its the same thing. she isn't a morning person to begin with, and not having daddy there is really hard on her. and every single day my boys ask about him. they tell me how much they miss him, ask if/when he can come home again. it breaks my heart. S3 even named the damn baby pumpkin I let him pick out at the farm store, "Daddy." oh god, now I'm crying again.
I've gotten good about talking to them and making myself open to them talking to me. not something h does...he placates. I've learned not to, so they feel more like talking to me. not to mention, they aren't with him all that much and are so thrilled to be with him when they are, they don't bring it up to him. and I'm sure there is a bit of that, "if I'm the best kid and don't bug him, etc, he'll like us again and come home" that kids go thru.
lwb, separation is not easy. if you are seriously considering it, try to sit down and create groudrules/bounderies with your H that you both can adhere to. H and I have been really good at co-parenting in our separationg...I will never keep the kids from him, they can call him/talk to him whenever, we keep a consistend visitation schedule, but I also am open to him seeing them when he can (like tonight) that aren't always on the normal schedule. Those kids need to see him and know he loves them.
there is nothing worse than seeing your kids hurting. the first time H and I separated, back in april, when I threw him out, we didn't do as well. no set schedule, no understanding as to how things would go. I will never forget (and I mean NEVER) after H had come over for a visit, my eldest falling on the floor and grabbing H around his legs, bawling his eyes out, pleading with him not to leave. He just kept saying, "daddy, don't go, I don't want you to go, please don't go daddy." omg, lwb, I will take that to my grave, it hurt so much. and its the reason H moved back in a couple of days later.
I'm not trying to scare you or freak you out. I'm just trying to say, if you guys do separate, make sure you guys are on the same page with the kids.
one of the things that freaked me out so much when H wanted the kids to go to ow's beachhouse was because all along we have done so well, it just seemed like he was throwing all that way. but in the end, at least so far, he has respected my wishes on that front. I'm sure that won't last forever, not the way things are going, but for now, I'm breathing a little easier, hoping we are back on the same page. of course, tomorrow could shake things up once again.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
"lwb, separation is not easy. if you are seriously considering it, try to sit down and create groudrules/bounderies with your H that you both can adhere to."
Oh I am not considering it. He stated it last night. Honestly, I can't take the phone calls/attachment anymore, but he stated he is moving out. Part of me (teeny part) is ok with it, because I stood my ground about the contact.
I got very late last night when we finally tried to talk about the kids/visiting, so we both agreed another time would be better.
Oh God morgan, I haven't ever met your kids and I want to hug them and make them feel better. That's awful, just horrible. First of all, its so hard for you to wake up in the morning and face your OWN situation, but then to wake up and have to brave-face it for her. I am so sorry. Constant reminders, huh? Sounds like H is too guilty to face it, just tries the quick fixes. The heartbreaking time with your eldest. OMG did you cry too? I would have been a mess, beyond a mess. That is the only time I lose it with H, when we start talking about the kids.
The night I kicked him out (when I found out about the A), he was crying when he was kissing them goodbye. I started crying, because of the pain he was in, and I couldn't help him.
What are some of things you tell your kids about the separation? I suppose I am going to have to study up on all this.
one of the things that freaked me out so much when H wanted the kids to go to ow's beachhouse was because all along we have done so well, it just seemed like he was throwing all that way. but in the end, at least so far, he has respected my wishes on that front. I'm sure that won't last forever, not the way things are going, but for now, I'm breathing a little easier, hoping we are back on the same page. of course, tomorrow could shake things up once again.
Sometimes people just get trapped. They pick poorly and then get stuck. I think this has probably happened to the best of us if we look back in our dating record. I cannot imagine your H thinking of this trip as a vacation but that is not for you to obsess over. It does not matter where they are as long as that your kids are not a part of his crazy world of infidelity and indecision. Kids need stability. It sucked when I noticed my D6 started watching me Acting As If and then she started to be this way too. Guess what? It takes a lot of strength to Act As If and it can be downright fake! Our kids lives have been turned upside down but they are lucky to have us. he will be back soon enough. Take this time to refocus on Saving Your Marriage. Tomorrow is another day so don't dread it. Think about how well you have handle some things you never thought you'd have to deal with. Never in my dreams did I ever think I would have any of these convos with the man I chose.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Can I have some of that cookie dough? Cookie dough puts things into perspective, doesn't it? It's one of the simple things in life. Thank God some things are still simple.
Me29 H33 D9 months S2 S9(previous R) Sep 8-19-07 I file 11-5-07 H home (Retro) 2-15-08 "Today is the tomorrow of yesterday." -- S9
lwb, I know your h said he was leaving, I just also know he was rather emotional, so didn't know if he would rethink things.
sounds like you guys are still on this course. as for what to say to the kids, I'm no expert, I was lucky though, and had 2 who had my back when the time came. I really, really recommend IC for you. you don't have to say a lot, try to do it together, let them know that daddy is going to live somewhere for a while, that it is a mommy/daddy thing, nothing they did, and you'll see him on x,y, and z days. be consistent if possible with visitation let them know every day that they can call him (assuming he's the man my h is as far as the kids go). H calls the kids almost every morning and every evening and they LOVE those calls. they may be distracted and not say much from time to time, but its the consistency that is key.
separation is not always a bad thing. in fact, both my therapist and friend who is a therapist say that it can actually help speed reconciliation at times. sometimes taking a break from R things can help both parties work on their own issues w/o as much distraction, and then R has a better chance. and not having the daily reminder of things right there in your face can be a very good thing. the first couple of weeks were hard, and every time H takest he kids overnight at first is hard, but I've been actively GAL and working on my own issues and its gotten easier over time. sometimes letting them go makes them realize what they are losing, for real.
(((HUGS))) none of what I am saying is going to make this any easier for you. I just want you to know that there are some silver linings. and even though the kids miss daddy here and such, I also make things good for them, and the lack of tension here (I'm sure they picked up on the tension when he lived here) is probably a good thing. and H probably spends more real time with them than he ever did before.
mk, wow about your child acting as if. s5 watches me like a HAWK lately, so a good reminder to be strong around them, even when it breaks your heart. and you are right about people picking poorly and getting stuck. I think from time to time, H is there. and he needs to figure out how to get unstuck...he needs to figure out what he really wants.
nephartiti, wish you guys all lived closer so you could come over for cookie dough. and wine. mmmm...wine.
Last edited by morgan; 09/13/0709:03 AM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
went back to bed after my last post and I'm up again for the day. don't know if this middle of the night/really early morning thing is going to keep happening, but *yawn* its getting old.
going to have a good, non-R day today. in a few minutes I need to get the kids ready to take to school, then after I drop them all off, I get to go get my baby fix. oh, I mean, see my friend. okay, its a bit of both. something about itty bitty newborn babies that is just so wonderful. and since I am DONE (please, god) with my own itty bitty newborns, I love it when other people have them that I can cuddle.
just hoping in my current, somewhat emotional state, I don't burst into tears and blubber all over him. thankfully both friends I am seeing today know what is going on, so if I do, they will understand, at least somewhat
no H today. he just called, so my contact with him should be done until he calls tonight. I'm doing a little better today, just still reeling from getting a bit too attached again.
its funny when I think about how different the places are that we are in. I'm in love with my husband, still attached to him in so many ways, still think about him often, still miss having him here, still feel like he is my husband and can't imagine really being with anyone else. even on my best detached days, I'm still in that place. He, on the other hand, has been in a year long relationship with another woman, who he now lives with, and no longer feels like he is married. I'm guessing he does think of me from time to time, but not in the way I think of him. he has told me that he is confused, that he can't imagine never coming back, but then again, can't imagine ever coming back.
I need to detach again. as usual, its been 2 steps forward, 1 step back. I need to stop sitting back where I just took that last step backward and again move forward. but part of me wants to be that kid banging on my high chair and throwing a tantrum saying I don't want to. wahhh.
good thing I'm really an adult and know what needs to be done.
plan for tonight is to get back to working on the scrapbook I started a few weeks ago. this afternoon I'm going to put together an old table that is in our basement (an old farmers style table that was my mil's kitchen table) and put it up in my room and create a whole little scrapbooking area so I can keep the stuff out w/o the kids getting into it. I'm really enjoying the scrapbooking thing...its a nice escape, gets my creative juices flowing, and has a concrete result that I can look at. kind of meditative in a way, too.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
morgan, thanks for giving me the possibility that this separation might help, because boy I think its going to make things worse. H is deadset on thinking that I will 'have it all' when he's gone, so I fear serious bitterness will set in, driving him farther away. I hope to be surprised.
Thanks for the advice on the kids. I think that's a great approach. And yes, pre-bomb, things were so tense around here, NO ONE enjoyed family activities together. We are better now about it. And yes, H is an amazing father, very involved, could raise them on his own if he had to. There will be lots of calls, contacts, etc. He is going to have just a hard of time being away from them as me.
Your day sounds good. Sometimes no contact for the whole day can be good, right? Plus a baby fix? Oh yeah!! YUMMY.
nephartiti, those little milestones. SIGH I told H the other night that if we separate/divorce, I will miss parenting with him, sharing ALL the little things like that.
lwb, it took me a while to wrap my head around the fact that separation can actually help things. I think I called my friend every day to ask questions on how that was possible. it does help to lay groundrules (and not just so they are supposed, really talk about specific expectations). MC during a separation is helpful, too. our mc stopped seeing us, though, since H wouldn't end the affair, so we didn't have that on our side. I hope in your case, the separation does help. try try try to focus on yourself, not on him, while you are apart. and if he is that good/active a dad, this is going to be really tough on him. and sometimes having it tough is a good thing...will possibly make him finally realize the reality of the situation. good luck.
neph, woo-hoo about s2!!!! my s3 has zero interest in the potty...we are approaching slowly, and I know someday he will be done with diapers, but boy, he is just like his big brother, in no rush to get there. as for scrapbooking, I just started, and it is so much fun.
I'm back from my busy morning and had a great time. no crying, lots of laughter, and oh, such a sweet little baby to cuddle. the time flew and before we knew it, it was time to pick up the kids from school. the twins had so much fun. they immediately started telling me about all the fun they had at school and how much they love it. that brought the tears to my eyes...happy ones. I am so lucky. so very lucky. because no matter what the future brings, right now I am doing my dream job of SAHM. I love it. I miss my H, I miss being a wife in every sense of the word, but oh how lucky I am in the mom department.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
