All hope is lost/help

[Evie]

Thanks Cat.

I'm confused now, here's the problem.. I'm trying to DB and lovingly distance then I read somewhere that you should act 'as if', in the last week I have tried to be stronger and more upbeat (the party last w.e did wonders for my self confidence), i'm cooking, cleaning up after him etc, I've hugged upto him twice in bed. Last night I casually asked him if he wanted to come to the cinema with me after work on Friday, he said 'NO' then added he'd be too tired, of course i felt rejected, but tried not to show it and carried on with work on my computer.

My question is: lovingly distance or act as if?

[Evie]

Am i posting in the right place? Should I be in MLC? or newcomers?

[cat03]

there are very good posts on the MLC post, so feel free to jump around, there is mine of gold here and there on this wonderful site.

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he said 'NO' then added he'd be too tired, of course i felt rejected, but tried not to show it and carried on with work on my computer.
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I dare you to go anyways, ask a girlfriend or go with your Ds. GAL and take care of yourself while he is sorting himself out. You can either sit and wait 'til he snaps out of it or you can give him space and make yourself happy by doing things on your own.

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My question is: lovingly distance or act as if?
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Both, give him distance and decide to claim each day for yourself and choose to be happy regardless. Will you feel bad and want to cry here and there? sure, give yourself permision to do so, this is a hard road. But then, when you let it out, remember that you are a beautiful woman, worth it, and go out there and take advantage of each day the Lord gives you.

[Evie]

Hi Cat, thank you.

I will go. The thing is I do go out loads. Yoga twice a week, i'm out tonight, it isn't like I sit in all week and not do anything.

I hugged him in bed this morning...no reaction, but I didn't expect one.

I've just got in from work and he has left a property magazine on the table. So it still looks like he is looking for somewhere...now i'm panicking again...

how are things with you Cat?

X D

[cat03]

my H put a marker on the "not just friends" book about separating temporarely. I thought "he's thinking of leaving" but when we talk there is no plans to move out, he's staying here. If you are freeting about the magazine just asking casually "are you looking for a place? I noticed that property mag on the table".

Hope for the best but be ready for the worst. Now, if he were to leave what would you do? make a plan. I know, you want to push such thoughts off your mind, but you must make a back up plan, so you know that you WILL be ok if it happens, that if he needs time to sort himself out you will go on with life.
Not what you might want to hear, but trust me, it will give you the peace to "wait" for him.

[Evie]

Cat,

I know I must seem niave, but while he is here i have hope. Atm the boys don't know anything (the Ds know), so thats one issue i'm not looking forward to. We also work in the same place, know the same colleagues and he has already said he won't talk about it at work.

What type of back up plan? What did you do?

[Evie]

I don't know what i would do, I have to carry on with the every day stuff - routine etc and he would have to be here early to take the boys to school/nursery. We get on so well that I have a hard time grasping why he wants to leave, I know we talk about issues or we haven't and anyway he says there aren't any, but we don't argue much either. We have recently since his bombshell, but I thought that it was a clearing of the air and w could move on. Why is he so nice to me, yet he still seems to be considering moving. I just don't understand. I have read about how love goes through different stages, I realise that, but I don't think he does, I think he's looking for lust and no responsibilities.
x D

[Evie]

Cat - How do I find your thread?

What type of plan did your formulate?

[Evie]

Cat, i've found a little about your stich. I really hope it works out for you. Keep positive, have inner calm and I guess patience...x

[cat03]

there is nothing naive about having hope, the DB book always emphasizes not to loose hope even if things look bleak.

The little ones dont' have to know anything at this point, and be careful how much you tell Ds, they can either end up hating your H or be put in a hard place, find a friend to conmiserate and vent.

It is a mix blessing to work with a spouse. I agree that personal problems should not be brought up at work, it blurrs the line and it could affect your performance (ei: my H in probation, I don't txt him anymore about our personal problems, try to keep it light and about other stuff)

=============I realise that, but I don't think he does, I think he's looking for lust and no responsibilities=============
Yup, he's entering the MLC crazeland,I know it doesn 't make any sense to you, and prob it doesn't make much sense to him either, MLCs are that crazy. Do check the MLC board for such behaviour, when people in good marriages just up and leave to look for something they don't know, to fill some void they themselves are not sure of what it is.

By backup, I mean, what if he left. How would you go about your everyday live with kids/school/finances. Know that things will be taken care of in the event you'd have to handle it on your own.

Thanks for your support, i'm trudging along, reading every good book suggested on these boards, :lol I love to read

Wake up each day vowing not to let your H drag you down nor loose another day to his craziness.