This is where you have to tweak it to work for you. IF she needs you to be soft and willing on the phone, BE that way. Just talk 2X daily instead of the 4X daily you used to. That could be enough pulling back. Or miss a few phone calls.
The 180 technique does not mean going from a caring husband to an A-hole. BE sweet, nice, flirty, understanding, but not a pleading, whining doormat.
I know this is hard. You will get the hang of it. Baby-steps.
ME 40 HIM 48 Married one year. First for him Second for me Proud parents of a baby girl
I really appreciate the words ponygirl. This morning I went back and started re-reading the parts of DR that deal with goal setting and tweaking to hit those goals to see if I could figure out a way through. In the end, I came to about the same conclusion you offered, that I needed to make this fit my situation and if my sitch needs a little more TLC, I needed to provide it. I responded with an e-mail that told her I understood what she was saying and that I'm sorry for hurting her feelings as that was not my intention. That I would be happy to explain the logic behind what I was doing (no mention of the 180, just trying something different) but that I would respect her desire for more limited contact. That's it. Hoping for a phone call tonight, we'll see.
Thought of one more thing, I wasn't pissed or rude either time she's refering to. I was polite and calm and normal but not falling all over myself to encourage her. That's kind of bothering me about this. She wants me to be her biggest cheerleader, her BFF, and oh BTW, did you get the divorce papers I had notarized and mailed to you? I have to sit back, let her tell me over and over again how this is not going to work, how it's too little too late, how I can't maintain the changes for any length of time, all the while holding 110% cheerfulness in her eyes. The minute that falls to 95%, the minute it feels anything less than the absolute best I can give, I sound annoyed and she wants to cut back talking to me.
I know there's nothing I can do about it, I know it's something I just have to go through because I've already made up my mind that I want this woman and this marriage, it just feels good to vent about the unfairness of it all sometimes.
And yes, I did get the notarized divorce papers in the mail. I knew they were there but I waited to pick them up until this morning becuase I knew it was going to take me a couple of hours to get over the shock and I didn't want to do it before bed last night. So they sat out in the mailbox.
Me: 32 in OH Wife: 29 in MD Married: 4 years No kids Seperated 14 months
So, phone conversations with the W have been going well this week although I think I pushed too hard last night. I was feeling really off these past couple of days and was desperate for some kind of reassurance from her. I didn't make the mistake of flat out asking but I did push into some areas that I know I should stay out of. She was nice about it but not overly responsive. I keep repeating to myself that idea about not putting her in a situation where she has to respond to my desire to work it out with her desire to end it because that only reinforces the idea in her head.
This is hard. I knew it would be but there's a difference between knowing something's hard and sitting down and actually doing something hard. I just want to talk to my wife like I used to because she still knows me better than anyone else.
Me: 32 in OH Wife: 29 in MD Married: 4 years No kids Seperated 14 months
Just wanted to float an idea that I got from a couple of people where I live and I've seen repeated here. My W has been pushing for a dissolution (divorce where both parties agree to terms and both have to be present at the hearing. Fast and cheap). Up till now, I have gone along with it because I didn't want to rock the boat and piss her off. I haven't said anything to her yet because we're still building positive momentum and I don't want to derail that but I'm not going to agree to a dissolution anymore, at least not on Oct 16th which is our current court date.
She wants out and if she's serious, there's nothing I can do to stop her but I don't have to help her either. I don't want to intentionally make it more difficult for her but there's no reason I should try to soften the blow. And it buys me time, time to coninue this process and time for her to maybe see what's happening.
I'm going to see her this week, maybe a few times, and I've really been trying to get my head screwed on straight. No R talk, just light and fun. Treat her like we're on a date and everything is going well. Is it OK to get into the R if she asks about it?
I have yet another question: what are some of the ways you use to recover from making a mistake? For example, one of the things I have been working on is being more trusting and less needy. Today I flew to FL for a business trip and the hotel we're in is right on the beach. Made me miss W so I called and said it's really nice and it would be nicer if she were here with me. I know, big mistake. So, how do I recover that ground? I know I need to go back to my program and be independent, I'm just afraid that I lost some ground here in her eyes. FYI, we're kind of long distance dating right now. My visit with her went very well but she still has a lot of fear and uncertainty about the future, how this will work and if the changes will become permanent for me. I'm very much in a "prove it to her" kind of phase. Thanks in advance for the input.
Me: 32 in OH Wife: 29 in MD Married: 4 years No kids Seperated 14 months
So this has kind of become my update thread since it's the most recent. Went to visit the W and things went very well. Now, when I talk to her on the phone, she's been calling me honey and sweetie although still no ILY. That's OK. What I'm having a hard time with now is two fold: one, she just got extended a couple of weeks at her current location and there's a guy there that has hit on her repeatedly and makes me very uncomfrotable. The worst part is that she defends his behavior because he's just a guy and we're having issues. My point is married with issues is still married and he may be a guy but not all guys are that way. In fact, his behavior should set off all kinds of red flags for her but it doesn't seem to. It really hurts that she defends it although I still believe that nothing has or will happen with him. Second: she took a job in MD and I just got assigned to TX for the next 3 years with a year of that being an overseas stint starting in the Spring. So, they'll be about 6 months when she's about a 7 hour drive from me so I can visit as we continue to see if this is going to work but after that, I'll be gone for a year with no way to visit. I'm worried as hell about that. I know it's still 6-7 months out and a lot can change in terms of the strength of our M in that time but I can't help thinking about it.
I asked her like it mentions in the book that if she sees some positive improvement in me to let me know she sees it. Nothing yet and it's getting really hard to stay positive and hopeful with some of the negative things she says to me.
Me: 32 in OH Wife: 29 in MD Married: 4 years No kids Seperated 14 months
HI Bryan Hang in there. Like you said your moving is a long time out there and a lot can happen. It seems that you are headed in the right direction. I would tend not to mention this OP at all to your W if you can and try to keep things going in a positive flow. I know how hard that is.
I did not know we could ask if they see positive improvements. I am just going with the flow and when things get tough I am concentrating on my breathing. It is nice and quiet and helps you to think a bit before you respond. Just remember to breathe. It sounds like the phone calls are improving so that has to be good. YEAH!!! Keep your chin up and stay positive.
Express all negative thoughts here and we will help you banish them.
I did not know we could ask if they see positive improvements.
Thanks Lissie. It's in the putting it all together section of the book. I think the first case study. In any case, in the story the guy working the DB program goes out to dinner with his W and she lets him know she's seeing improvements but that she's still cautious. He says I've got a lot of work left to do but if you see something positive it would help if you mentioned it.
I took from that example that if things are starting to move towards better footing, as they seem to be in my case, that this request is not out of line. If your working LRT or going dark or anything like that, this is obviously not a good idea.
