Stories don't always end

[cat03]

oh oh, someone is cranky

You've reach the "rock bottom" stage that happens over and over again to us ladies. I can see how his inaction is making you feel neglected.
And that's why I really, really want you to get this book "Men, Love & Sex: The Complete User's Guide for Women" it is awesome! it talks about the exact problems you are having.

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He thinks that if I am quiet and not saying anything about our M, that everything is fine.
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Yep, we could be boiling mad in our own juices and our Hs would be clueless... unless we give them concrete and specific info.

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share with me how he is feeling ...
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You might've as well ask him to smash his thumbs with a sledge hammer. Men hate R talk and is like pulling teeth. If he is the kind of guy that does not talk easily, choose a time when you aren't upset and when you are both relaxed and bring up the subjects that bother you. Present a plan, no negatives "we never, I always.." You can tell him how much you'd like if you ML x times a week, how you love it when he says such and such. Be specific about what "a little romance" means to you.

Hugs luv, hope you feel better now

[Phoenix_spark]

I'm going to agree with CAT03 here. Seriously consider what she is saying and do something about it, BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE. I know when we spoke you seem to be in a pretty good mood, but I have read your posts for too long to know things are well. Unfortunately, us guys can only deal with whats in front of our faces. Make it something that must be done, but not something dreaded or negative.

I would say, "hey you have some time off, you need to take me away and let's figure this thing out". No distractions. No negatives. No kids. Make sure it's to a fun place for both of you. Be straight forward with what you need, but in a positive way.

[BeingMe]

Thanks for your thoughts, Cat and Phoenix! I so appreciate it, and respect your advice.

I am generally happy, but do feel I am starting to waste my time. I have done all the things you have suggested, and more. You may recall the letter I sent my H in July, where I outlined how I hoped we will move forward, and that I would give him the space to sort our his job sitch (which is now sorted). I had hoped this letter would give him something to think about, but as usual, the impact of anything I do or say is minimal (that I can see, anyway). I have outlined as precisely as I could, what my needs are to him many times. He won't read anything, doesn't want to go to counselling again, not keen on any online forums that may help, so I am at a loss what to do. As in the past, his MO is to say nothing, no confrontations, no initiating R talks, be somewhat affectionate, continue as if nothing has happened ... and maybe it'll all just fade away. I have let him get away with this for too long. Last year, I asked him to tell me what he thought we could do to strengthen our M, and he came up with us organizing our honeymoon (we never had one). Since then, not a word about it. I want him to initiate something ... anything!!!!

I am reading quite a few books, but will get the one you suggested, Cat, and put it on the pile. As far as male sexuality goes, I did go to a male forum when my H was still in the EA, fullblown. I learned a lot about what men want, and I tried really hard to fulfill the needs my H seemed to want, and he was very happy with the results. But, he won't extend the same courtesy to me. Hence, my being at a loss what to do next. Maybe, if we do separate, it would wake him up one way or another. Perhaps, he will realise what he's going to lose, or he will realise he wants to be free of the M. And, maybe, I will realise the same.

Ultimately, maybe what he is saying without words, is that he doesn't care enough to do anything, so that may be my cue to just end it.

[Concerned_Listener]

Being,
I'm reading a book by Robert Alter, "It's Mostly His Fault." He believes that for a M to make it, the H must acknowledge his responsibility to work on connecting with his W. He states that the W must take a leadership role for holding him accountable, with the goal of making him a better H.

This is not a passive role. Your H is resistant to working on these issues. Is he capable of being a better H? Absolutely.

The first section of the book is addressed to the lonely and frustrated W and what their role is to get their H moving in the right direction, and how to keep him moving.

I encourage you to take a look at it. Maybe he would be willing to read the book. Alter believes that men often need a 2X4 before they can become a good H--first by the W.

CL

[whatisis]

Being Me, are there times now when your H actually is expressive or exhibiting the behaviours you like? If so, what is happening at those times. Is there anything that can be repeated? Is there anything you are doing to make that happen? There must be times when you and he do feel some closeness, even for a few minutes. Think about those times and try and figure out what is going right then. When things are working there can be some good clues to apply to when things arent' working, if that makes sense.
Take care.

[Aud31]

Hi BeingMe,

Not sure I have any answers for you today, but wanted to pop in and let you know I'm thinking about you and hoping something will shake loose for you and your H. ((hugs))

[cat03]

ditto, hugs your way)))))))))

[Phoenix_spark]

(((Positive waves)))

[whatisis]

Hi Being Me, I'm just checking in on ya! Hope all is well.

[BeingMe]

I think it's over. There's no getting through to him. Maybe, it's for the best, and he doesn't have to deal with the parts of me that he doesn't love (the italicized words are his). I just want my life back, and I'm going to take it back.

Will post when I'm less emotional.