Please stick to business. There was no reason for that fight. He does not want to be involved in your personal life. He is free to make that choice. He may have apologized, but you are not entitled to him making personal contact with you. Unless he promised bff that he would call you, he had no obligation to call you anymore than CW had an obligation to call you. He has cut off that kind of R with you.
The only thing these interactions get you is farther away from any stated goal you have. What steps can you take to stop them? Maybe you could email him and ask him not to take your calls, but to check his voicemail right away when you leave one just to make sure that you weren't calling about an emergency.
Forget the friends business. His sole interest there is feeling better about himself. It will not be a good friendship for either of you.
Sorry to hear about your friend's mom. I'm glad you can be there for her and I'm sure she is grateful, too.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Thank you, friends. I am still waiting to hear what is happening. I checked in with her quickly this morning, and she was so tired. At least her mom was coherent last night, with her family surrounding the bed. She was able to make eye contact, listen to all those who love her, and then used her hands to show that she was tired and wanted to sleep. bff was so happy that she was able to go, and was planning on spending the day today (her kids will go with another friend from their parochial school afterwards for hw and dinner).
As far as H...I feel any hope slipping away. Some have told me that he is simply too proud to go back, others that he is too stubborn, that once an opinion is formed, that is it. The treatment and lack of caring that he has shown though, as of late...he says that he cares, or he wouldn't stay on the phone with me when we have talked--he would simply hang up. But his message has been clear for so long.
It is just that he means so much to me, something that my IC and I have touched on, but that she doesn't believe I am ready to face head-on, yet. A lot has to do with how I grew up, and the co-dependency, and the way I have formed bonds with his family. So much is being lost, so much is at stake. And the court date in Nov is starting to loom before me.
He says that I haven't given him the chance to miss me--but how can that happen when he is involved with another woman? Who he says that he is in love with, not willing to stop seeing her? She is getting divorced.
I am just so scared that it is truly over, that he won't ever change his mind. I know that my worrying won't change anything--if anything, it is making matters worse. Same with the sadness, desperation, all of it.
I have made so many changes...and he won't ever be able to see them, experience them. IC noted that I am in full-fledge grief at this point--maybe that is what acceptance (or the precursor) is.
Just catching up and sorry to hear of your friends mother.
I want you to think objectively about your H for a bit and in particular how he has treated you for the last few months. Forget the person he once was , but consider who he is now and how he has been of late.
In all reality would you want this man back in your life ? as he is now?
I doubt it . So if there is any chance for you at all you need to let him get on with his mistakes. Once he has himself sorted out then he may ( just may ) be worthy of some attention from you. Right now he has done nothing to deserve you for some time.
Let it go , its the only way forward. Its not the end but a new begining , full of possibilty for you.
This is the same message that I am hearing over and over again from all of my friends and family. I think I may have just accepted it (at least in large part)--
my marriage is over. I am considering if I should change the filing for legal sep to divorce.
Today, I am taking the kids on the train into NYC to see the Museum of Natural History, then maybe the Central Park Zoo.
Donna, I think the only way you are going to feel better is to truly move on and focus on you. Yes, you are doing things and getting out but you are still focusing on him and wondering about the what ifs. I know it is hard but you need to do it for your own sanity.
My own sanity. It almost feels like a luxury. I used to think my life was so blessed...
Yesterday, CW got in my face. She stopped by the bus stop (even though she has set up a different stop for her D, and her H was picking her up), to speak with one of the other moms. She kept on glancing past the woman's shoulder at me and laughing. I had to stay to get my D, and I was angry about the flaunting of it all, shoving it in my face, even with the no contact order...
I walked up to the car and asked the other mom to excuse us for a minute. I told her to go away, get out of my face and out of my life; she wasn't supposed to be near near my kids. I told her to leave my H alone. She said no, I will not leave your H alone. It got ugly from there. She went to drive off, and then I blew it--I reached out to hold her arm, make her stop, and only got her hair. She stopped the car and started screaming, I screamed back (let loose a lot of not-nice words), then walked home.
I got a call today while going down to the city--it was H, so I handed the phone over to the kids. He asked to speak to me. Told me that this was a courtesy call; CW called the police and filed a complaint to get it on the record. The officer was looking for me. She was not going to file charges.
I just said a curt thank you for the info and hung up.
I am going to start to look into the classifieds for new housing. I have to get the hell away from this town.
He is not the man who I thought he was. He does not have the strength or character that I believed in. He has shown himself to be a weak-minded, newly selfish person who will cheat and lie to protect himself and his own interests. He has no interest in changing, in trying, or in preserving any R with me or keeping our family whole.
With everything that I have ever lived through, there has never been another human being on this earth who has hurt me so deeply and so often as this man. This man who I would have done anything for, who I have loved every day over the last 21 years. How could I not let go, at this point?
He cried to me one night, early on in my awareness of the sitch (since he went through so much privately, with this other person), that he had failed--failed me, failed the kids, and failed himself. I told him then that he had not failed, not yet--there was still time to try.
He was right all along. He gave up before I even knew what was happening, before I ever asked about that kiss. I wonder when I ever would have found out, if I had waited for him to say something, anything...
Oh Donna. You have got to get a hold of yourself and just totally ignore the b!tch. If moving away is what it takes to get you not to focus on him or them so be it, but think everything through and without the anger. Use that 48 hour rule. Breathe. Remember that you are also an example to your kids.
