Cold differentiation, fusion and stuff.

[fearless]

Fearless - Yeah and can you imagine how frustrated I felt to feel like I was driving him away with feelings I DIDN'T EVEN FEEL!! I drove myself crazy trying to show him who I really was but he couldn't see me;...

Cobra - Ummmm...correct me if I'm wrong, but does this sound just a teensy bit like fusion???

Not really. That's I think where it may be an issue with semantics that you and I have on some of these issues. Differentiation does NOT prevent a connection between people. I was VERY connected to my husband. As I told Cemar before I was a very supportive and compassionate wife to my XH. So yes I did not want to drive my husband away from me. That's NOT fused. That was being in love with my H and wanting to keep our marriage together. NOT because I HAD to be with him but because I had chosen to be with him.

Fusion would have been that I really FELT that I was who my XH portrayed me to be. If I was fused instead of differentiated, I would have sought out others to "make" me feel okay. Instead I KNEW I was okay and just felt I need to SHOW my XH who I really was. Fusion also would have been me being scared that I wasn't worthwhile because my H didn't want me and feeling that if he left, it would devastate me because I needed him so much. I didn't NEED him. I WANTED him.

And to be clear, I cannot say that I have never had fused reactions to my XH, family, friends, acquaintances, etc. Of course I have. I've had the reaction of "Hmmm. My friend hasn't returned my call. I wonder if they are angry with me." And then after I've thought or said this, I usually say "That's silly of course they are just busy." But I still have moments of fused behavior as most of us do. Awareness is the key IMHO.

I'm not saying and have never said that someone can be "perfectly" differentiated. You don't really NEED to be. Just like I don't know people that are completely fused either. I'm sure it's possible there may be mentally ill people that can fuse to the point where they have no feelings other than the feelings another person has and no sense of self other than what someone tells them they are but I doubt it's common.

I'm just talking about the goal of being able to look at yourself in the mirror or be alone with yourself and being able to know that no matter how imperfect and flawed I am, I am worthwhile and it's up to me to treat myself like I am worthwhile.