CVA - "B,B&B"

[Kelley]

Oh man


Point is, maybe your H tried to show his affection for you sexually and u took it the way u describe above, just a thought.

CVA,
Yes you are very right in this post as in men and women just don't get the communication level of the other. Hence so many people here. Men treat women the way they would deal with another guy and the women doesn't feel loved and women say why can't he just talk more about his feelings and listen to me, he is so unsensitive. Men, all their woman has to do is look hot and they are ready for sex and the woman says I am not a light switch and can't turn on that fast, seduce me, romance me.

After reading the 5LL is when I finally understood all of this and the actually big things that he was doing for me which was his way of showing me his love. He was doing the Acts of Service but at that time I didn't recognize it as "love" because he wasn't speaking my language. If acts of service was my love language then I would have felt like the most loved person in the world and would have given him everything he wanted. Just a shame that it took such an earth shattering event to finally realize this all now that it is most likely too late.

Now after reading 5LL and DR I wish that I could just tell him that I "get it" all now and we can work things out and make things great between us but that is impossible. At least I am prepared for either H or the next guy that comes along so that at least that I don't make the same mistakes.

[waw1978]

I don't think anyone here is going to beat up on you CVA!

We are here to support one another even if were are having crappy days and these recurrent bad feelings. Happens to both sides LBS/WAS. Its the wild rollercoaster that we are all on.

You have a good idea of what you need from your W to make this work. You have been making changes for yourself that seemed to be what your W needed from you. You have every right to be pissed that she has not reciprocated in the least.

Don't apologize for how you feel. I am probably not the best person to jump in an give any advice right now since my sitch has been turned upside down. But I do agree that you need to start seeing some returns on your investment. Doesn't seem like your asking the world. Esp the part about being called by your name and simple thank yous or acts of kindness.

I am not sure what the right answer is here. you have been in a holding pattern with W. Maybe some of the others can give you some ideas on how to get some progress without "pushing" but at this point...sounds like pushy, controlling CVA is history.

May be time to have an R talk...kind of like state of the union. This is where we were, this is where we are...where are we headed and do we have a map to get there? Doesn't sound like you are getting much/any feedback to even know what the W is thinking.

[Kelley]

CVA,
Wow my H could have written this same post. Damn this made me cry again and I haven't done that in about 3 weeks.

It is wrong not for her to call you by your name. Next time she says Hey you, I would tell her my name is CVA and that is what I would like to at least be called. Tell her what you said here.


Don't think that you haven't changed. An unhappy R or M can put us in a frame of mind that makes us unhappy and therefore we tend to blow up on the little things. When we fight, it is never about the glass that was mistakenly broke, it is about the feelings of disrepect that we have been feeling from the other person. Since you are not getting anything from your W in return is just making you feel like you will always be this angry/miserable person which just isn't true. My H says the same thing about me that I was always mean to him. I know that I wasn't. You sound like a really good person to me, you can talk, you can open up and IMHO any man who can do that has to have a really good core personality to them. We all get angry at times but that isn't us. I am sure you don't go up to anybody and tell them good F'ing morning, bite me. We are human and react in that way to bad situations.

Your W had to love you and I wouldn't think otherwise. I am sure that my H probably says this about me too that I never ever loved him which just isn't true. I did love him with all my heart but so many wedges just drove us apart that I withdrew. I am sure your W did feel the same love for you too. Don't ever think that she never loved you just some people have a hard time showing it or get so wrapped up in other things that they forget to show it. Another thing that maybe your W might have felt like this too. I did. I depended on my H to make me happy like it was all of his responsibility. Love should always be about making your S happy but we all often lose sight of that. When he wasn't making me happy than I thought that he didn't love me. I think alot of woman may feel this way that our H's should be the loving devoting H like we have all seen on soap opera's and when we don't get that we believe that he doesn't love us and blame them for the M going wrong. It is no one's fault just our own way of how we deal with things or what we grow to beleive is the way marriage should be. I realize now just how wrong all of this was now but never did before the bombs hit. Some people never realize this and will keep having broken R's.

Even if you don't get back with W, you too will still always have a love connection between you. It won't be the way that you may want or the love between a H & W but it will always be a deep caring for one another. Your W may not be able to show this right now but a year or 2 down the line when things aren't so emotional and a friendship can be worked back in then maybe she will start to show this.

[savingus77]

1st let me just say 48hr. rule before you release all of this in a talk with your W.

1. Show me appreciation. words of affirmation for a job well done, work, dad, husband. Not once unsolicited in all of our R

You're answer to this is probably yes, but have you told her this before - in the sense that it is important to you to hear and feel these things from her? If so, how has she responded?

2. Initiate contact, kisses, hugs, sitting in lap, sex, whatever as long as it is unsolicited and her idea.

I know that it has been a tense situation for you guys for a while, but when things were good b/t you - did she do these things?

3. Do something totally uncalled for, a gift or just a coffee (once in last 9 yrs does not count, that is as far back as I can remember)

Really? Think harder - there has to be something? Once in the last 9yrs - that kinda sounds like WAS alien spew - rewriting of history. From your post that maybe the way you are feeling since you think that you may be done. What about all those nice jeans she bought for you? Did she ever pick something up when shopping at the supermarket that she knows you like? Did she ever call you/email/text you just to say hello?

4. Tell me she loves me, without prompting or just a reflex.

Again, did she does this when things were good b/t you? Maybe it is just b/c of where you are at now with each other that it is hard to remember.

6. Just Speak the F UP! Tell me what YOU want, daily stuff, Sex, whatever, JUST FREAKIN TALK TO ME?

Both of you can probably work on this...

Sound like Love Languages? Here is my problem, all of the requests / needs from me above have rarely, if ever been done / met in 18 yrs of knowing this woman.

Why did I marry her? Why did I continue 3 other times when she said no mas.

Exactly - think on that one... Why did you marry her & continue 3 other times? Because you love her...because she is beautiful (locklear & stripper comment)...because she is a great mother to your children...All of the things you have mentioned above that are important to, she must have been doing at some point, at least in the beginning right? In order for you to even have had the initial connection in the first place to fall in love with her...

SInce the Separation, she wont even call me by my name or honey or anything and I am starting to come unglued by being invisible like this. It is like I do not exist. I get this at the beginning, but almost 7 mos later to say "HEY" instead of CVA or Honey or Jerkoff, or....is dehumanizing and cruel and I wont stand for it anymore. Enemies have enough respect to give people respect by name if nothing else.

On this one, I have to say that I(we) have the same problem. We used to always call each other "honey" & such... but right now that doesn't seem appropriate for where we are. But at the same time calling each other by 1st name seems too distant as well. So we are stuck in the "hey" phase also. I wouldn't take it quite the way you are thinking - just know that this is an awkward time for her & there probably isn't any negative association with it for her - just her trying to avoid the awkwardness of not seeming too close & not seeming too distant. Make sense at all?

I truly believe she is just waiting for me to sick of her treatment of me and just tell her I want out. It is classsic Passive / Agressive behavior, even a dumbass like me knows this from Psych 101.

I know exactly how you feel on this one. I often feel the same thing from my H. But this has to be her decision. I think you need to do more things for YOU - so that you can alleviate a little bit the feeling of "waiting" while life as passing you by. I know you had mentioned buying a house?

I am afraid I have really not changed at all, that I will always be this angry miserable person she says I am. Very humbling if nothing else to see that your core personality is VERY flaweed. I am so beat up inside that I am losing faith in myself. I am not sure I am getting anything out of counseling, that I am just fooling / kidding myself that I am improving in any significant way.

1st - Quit beating yourself up!!! 2nd - in all your posts on here - I never got the feeling that you are an angry miserable person - frustrated - certainly, but not angry & miserable. As a matter of fact -your posts are usually the ones that I check 1st because I know that they are either going to be great advice or hysterical! I am sure many here would attest to the same.

Alright, please bring it on.
C

Consider it 'broughten'

[new_attitude]

SInce the Separation, she wont even call me by my name or honey or anything and I am starting to come unglued by being invisible like this. It is like I do not exist. I get this at the beginning, but almost 7 mos later to say "HEY" instead of CVA or Honey or Jerkoff, or....is dehumanizing and cruel and I wont stand for it anymore. Enemies have enough respect to give people respect by name if nothing else.

CVA- My H is the same way, he doesn't call me anything. I was so sad when I saw that he changed me on his phone from "Sweetie" to "Teresa", but he never even calls me that.

This might be a good time for you to do a 180 from what you've been doing. I think you've been too available to her. I may be wrong, but it seems like you're in a routine that lets her know that you're waiting for her, no matter what. Maybe you can shake things up a bit by taking the kids somewhere on your own a couple of times a week (not dependent on her plans). Do you spend time alone with them, other than when you're with them so she can go out? I think looking for a more permanent residence that has plenty of space for the kids might also be a good idea.
Hugs...

[Not Much Left]

Thanks everyone

Leaving west coast back home. Not to focus on W's actions, but no call from W. This is really a first even though when we are apart (me out of town) we always end up at least saying hello. I don't even get that courtesy now. I know she got my msg last night and my little boy who calls me fell asleep with the phone on his bed (I was out of cell phone coverage unexpectedly fore 3 hrs) and he wakes up and calls me to see how I am doing. I love that boy and all my children more than....well, you all know.

Anyway, a 180 for me now would be to not say a word about the "no call" when I get home. I seriously doubt I can do it but will think more about it on the flt home

Thanks again, sorry to blow up all the boob talk, thong talk anyone?

C

[savingus77]

Thanks again, sorry to blow up all the boob talk, thong talk anyone?

LOL - see, that's the CVA we all know & love...

[waw1978]

Apparently I should be out shopping for some new ones in case anyone will ever see them again LOL.

At least some that match my boob shirts

[Not Much Left]

I am sure u would get all sorts of volunteers to make sure u get just the "right" one! Hee hee

[MissingMyHoney]

Thongs are good, cva do u fold up ur W's underwear? I still do...