There and Back, #5

[SallyM]

went back to bed after my last post and I'm up again for the day. don't know if this middle of the night/really early morning thing is going to keep happening, but *yawn* its getting old.

going to have a good, non-R day today. in a few minutes I need to get the kids ready to take to school, then after I drop them all off, I get to go get my baby fix. oh, I mean, see my friend. okay, its a bit of both. something about itty bitty newborn babies that is just so wonderful. and since I am DONE (please, god) with my own itty bitty newborns, I love it when other people have them that I can cuddle.

just hoping in my current, somewhat emotional state, I don't burst into tears and blubber all over him. thankfully both friends I am seeing today know what is going on, so if I do, they will understand, at least somewhat

no H today. he just called, so my contact with him should be done until he calls tonight. I'm doing a little better today, just still reeling from getting a bit too attached again.

its funny when I think about how different the places are that we are in. I'm in love with my husband, still attached to him in so many ways, still think about him often, still miss having him here, still feel like he is my husband and can't imagine really being with anyone else. even on my best detached days, I'm still in that place. He, on the other hand, has been in a year long relationship with another woman, who he now lives with, and no longer feels like he is married. I'm guessing he does think of me from time to time, but not in the way I think of him. he has told me that he is confused, that he can't imagine never coming back, but then again, can't imagine ever coming back.

I need to detach again. as usual, its been 2 steps forward, 1 step back. I need to stop sitting back where I just took that last step backward and again move forward. but part of me wants to be that kid banging on my high chair and throwing a tantrum saying I don't want to. wahhh.

good thing I'm really an adult and know what needs to be done.

plan for tonight is to get back to working on the scrapbook I started a few weeks ago. this afternoon I'm going to put together an old table that is in our basement (an old farmers style table that was my mil's kitchen table) and put it up in my room and create a whole little scrapbooking area so I can keep the stuff out w/o the kids getting into it. I'm really enjoying the scrapbooking thing...its a nice escape, gets my creative juices flowing, and has a concrete result that I can look at. kind of meditative in a way, too.