Lessons from a former WAS

[thegoodfight]

I need to journal a little bit. I don't do it often but it usually helps.

Had a tough day yesterday at home. My W. has become very comfortable with the status at home (roomates). Although we share the same bed, we use it for sleeping and rarely go to bed at the same time. We have split up the household chores and things are getting done. This has taken a lot of stress off of the situation. We have been doing things as a roomate/family for the past few months.

A few talks have generated after having a nice weekend together, typically the tune is this.

W. I had a great time this weekend, and our S. loved it too.
M. Yes I did as well, (then I make a remark about something he did that was funny or cute). Never a shortage of those situations.
Then she is quiet for about 5 to 10 minutes will read her book. Then out of the blue.
W. This roomate thing is great, you have been so wonderful the last 5 or so months. I hope things don't change because I am going to start doing things on my own.
M. Your my friend first and foremost if you want to do things on your own that is fine, just please give me enough notice to plan activities with our S.
W. I will, I don't know when I am going to do something, I just feel I need too.
M. Okay, I understand I don't have any issue with it.
W. I wish my family wasn't so far away or someone would meet me halfway, the drive is too long for a weekend.
M. Yeah that is a shame, well maybe if you give them enough notice you can arrange something with family or friends (they are about 6 driving hours away).
W. I think we can do this for a while. Our S. loves haveing us around.
M. I think right now as things are, we are putting our S. needs first given our Child care needs and finanical situation this is the best thing.
W. You know we can still do things as a family, he loves it when we do.
M. I know I thought that is why we do so many things together.
W. I just hope you don't start treating me differently when I start to do things on my own.
M. You know how I feel, I know how you feel, I am sorry for the hurt I have caused, I understand that you want to do your thing, I will do my best not to let that get in the way of how you are treated. Right now I still believe this is the best thing for our S.
W. I agree, I just worry you won't treat me as well, because I don't want to do things together all the time.
M. That is fine, I appreciate your honesty on the sitch.
W. Am I living in fantasy land or do think we can do this for a while until we save enough money or one of us meets someone else.
M. (Body slumps I can feel but can't do anything about it) I don't know, lets cross bridges as we come to them okay.

Most conversations over the last month or two basically go this way. Some history in the past when I have initiated doing things seperately in order to adjust, and when I do something I take our S. with me for two reasons, one so she knows where I am and what is going on, plus I love doing things with him (rebuild trust). Two, because she loves our S. so much, but also uses him as a crutch and does not spend enough time on her own to deal with her own issues. When I have done this typically she then feels bad and on two occasions when we return, or she comes to where we are, she wants to try again. I have not done this in the last two months because she has not wanted it. Although I believe this might have helped if I did.

My take and I appreciate any comments if one has the patience to read this post. My take is, still not facing the reality of the situation as far as what divorce is. Because of our roomate situation she has been able to become comfortable with it and not face the changes that occur with Divorce. This is both bad and good.

The wounds are very deep and she does not feel there is any hope.

Supporting statement: I don't feel anything for you as a H. only as a father and a friend. I wish I felt differently, I don't know how I will feel in 6 months but right now I am pretty sure it won't change. I have closed my heart to you, I don't want to be hurt again so I won't open up to you. I know this I wish it were different but I can't.

You see various contradicitions in her language to me. I wish I could, but I won't so I can't. She has not forgiven me! She is not facing the reality of the possible outcome.

Supporting statement: I love our S. more than anything I always put his needs before mine. (Evidence supports this statement). But I can't live in a loveless marriage for the next 5 or 10 years. I guess I am kind of selfish but I can't fool myself, our S. will be okay we will still be good parents, he won't really know the difference.

Okay, typically I have to change the subject or walk away when the conversations go this way. The problem is and has been my W. does not like to face confrontations or reality, and certainly not pain for herself or anyone else.

Example my W. sister is going through a bad divorce, I won't get into all the details but the two kids are noticeably suffering because every don't in the divorce manual has been done. Instead of saying something to her Sis about this and recommending so alternatives, she steps away and says I can't say anything I just have to hope they get help.

Again we are not facing reality although it is right in front of us. I am very frustrated with myself for causing these issues, I am very worried about my W.'s coping ability when the reality hits. I know she is not facing it, but right now she is content and I don't want to cause any more grief.

We have talked about visitation, and I made it clear I would want joint. She agreed, but said she didn't know it would be this way. (I guess she thought I would just come visit when I felt like it but our S. would just be with her all the time). She won't even go to a divorce counselor for families with me, I suggested this as something we go do so we don't make as many mistakes as others in the past. I don't know what to make of all of it except for some of things I commented on.

Sorry for the length but would appreciate any thoughts on how to help her face this, without forcing the issue.

I want to stay a family but I also don't want my W. to live in a "loveless" marriage forever. I am not sure what I should do, my gut tells me to do things seperate as often as possible to start the adjustment period. I don't want a ton of bricks falling on us at once.

Thanks for the patience.

Thi