I went to temple last night to celebrate Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year.
The rabbi spoke of being thankful for the year that we had first and foremost and then praying that this year be a better year.
I welled up a bit as I struggled to be able to thank God for the last 12 months. This is the first time that I ave been back to temple over the last 13 months and I have to be honest, my faith is lacking.
The Rabbi spoke of marriage, he said that there is an old saying that a man says to his wife, " Home is where you are". He said that this means that home is about being together. That home is being with the one that you love, through their good qualities and bad. That it is about understanding that no matter what is going on in your life, as long as you are together, you are "home".
I understand that the rabbi was speaking in a generic sense as they create their speeches with the thought of lasting marriage in mind, but this hurt a bit.
My wife lost her sense of home, through her own undoing as well as mine.
So I begin a New Year, a stronger man than I was 12 months ago for sure, yet still in many senses of the meaning, a broken man.
Today is about reflection, and looking forward to what the next 12 months will bring. I have a very hard time with the reflection aspect, while I know it has been a period of growth, I also know that it has been a very painful time for me.
I understand that you simply have to spin it and be thankful for what you have gained, and I am. I am thankful for the relationship that I have gained with my children. I am thankful for God giving me the strength and courage to get trough the last year. I am thankful for God putting so many special people in my life over the last year, you know who you are.
However, I am having a hard time being thankful for the reasons that these things have occurred. Did it have to be at this price that I gain these things to be thankful for?
I am up at 4:00 in the morning trying to understand why it is that I still love this woman. After all that she has done, after all of the sorrow and pain that she has caused me, and after all of the hurt that she has inflicted upon me, why is it that I still Love her?
It's almost like I am struggling to understand the emotion of it all. My mind tells me that I should hate her, but my heart just will not completely allow it. My heart tells me that no matter what, she is part of me and always will be.
So I am supposed to at this point be grateful for last year and look forward to the upcoming year. I am having a very hard time doing that, as I know that there will be some very painful moments over the next year and there is nothing that I can do to stop them from happening.
I understand that my objective in praying is that God help me get through those times, but it is hard to be inspired today. It is hard to feel joyous in the new year knowing that the next 12 months will bring with it the end of my marriage to a woman that I still love very deeply. I have a hard time in celebrating that.
Anyway, sorry for the ramble, sometimes we jews get very self reflective during this time of year. I figured since it was keeping me up, it was worth posting about.
I already know your responses, I understand that I need to focus on the positives. I just had to get the other stuff out of my system as it has been at the fore front of my mind tonight.
I love you all and I thank you all for being there for me this last year. I do not know where I would be without you....
