Now I've done it

[nephartiti]

I'm hearing you, MK. I was just going through the MLC forum and am now utterly depressed.

Maybe monogamy is expecting too much, but what if the tables were turned? What would your H have done?

I actually asked my H this. He said, "I value myself too much. I would have just walked away." So I have no self worth because I still want to keep the family together? Is that how he rationalizes disrespecting me to this level? Funny, he cheated, and he walked away. I guess he was ready to walk no matter what.

I read somewhere that in other cultures, it is accepted that men will have OW for sex. They believe it is impossible for one person to meet all of one's needs. So a man will marry a woman for the role of wife, mother, companion, but he will have a mistress for sex and other things W can't fulfill (because she is busy taking care of home and kids!) Maybe I'm a product of my environment, but I think this is hogwash.

I remember the first night he didn't come home. He had stood us up on Friday when we were supposed to take the kids to the movies. We were all waiting. The kids had their snacks ready and their shoes on. They kept looking out the window for him. He had called at 4:30 and said he was on his way. At 8:30 he still wasn't there and wasn't answering his phone. I was worried sick. This was before I started checking the cell phone bill. Turns out he called OW after telling me he was on his way. When he got home, his story was that he had ran into some of his students at the store and hung out in the parking lot to chit chat for 3 1/2 hours.

The next morning, I calmly asked him if he was seeing someone. He said no. A little later he said he wanted to go to mass and see his mom the next day (she passed in '02). I said ok. The next morning, I asked if we could join him to see his mom as we usually went as a family. He said he would call me after mass. He didn't. Around noon I called him. He wouldn't tell me where he was but said he would meet me at Michael's to buy invitations for S2's B-Day party. I sat at Michaels for an hour waiting for him. He didn't come. He wouldn't answer his phone. I was a mess. He finally came home around midnight. I woke up and saw him standing in the hallway. I was so relieved. I got up and hugged him. He sat down and looked so guilty. Said he had been driving around going to churches. Said he was going to change. He was going to stop. I had no idea what he was talking about. Now I know he was in the beginning of his R with OW.

Of course I did all the wrong things after things became more obvious--begging, pleading, letting the air out of his tires (controlling him so he couldn't escape). He was confused then. Now he's not. Now he's positive he hates me. Am I crazy for sitting here trying to make it work when I haven't even heard from him in over a week?

This I know. We were faithful. Here, we see so many of the same stories, but this isn't how all men handle life and children. This is how our H's have handled it. In my heart, I don't believe we are asking for too much.

"When I said I wanted it all
Doesn't every woman want it all?
As a man do you find
Doesn't every boy smoke to cry?"
--Tori Amos (Ruby through the Looking Glass)