Quote: ...don't just read to validate your feelings...read to gain insight to how your w may be seeing things and her feelings...
Starving, LL is right. Believe me, I know how it is - I've been there. OTOH, I do believe that love is the answer, and that monogomy can work. In my entire extended family, going back 3 generations, there are only about 3 divorces that I know about. No, these people were not unhappy and unfulfilled, for the most part. I know because I know them. The pain you are feeling is real, but doing what you describe will not make it go away - it'll only mask it for a while, and not very well, I'll bet. In the end, I think it'd be a pretty empty feeling. Not only that, but you would likely do irreperable harm to your marriage. If you truly feel that there's nothing worth saving, wouldn't it be better to simply start discussing the Big D with W? Far more fair. Maybe if it comes to that, she'd be more motivated to read the books.
On the subject of books - I also have read John Gray's books, and I agree he has many valid points, but his books didn't help me any more than they've helped you - and my W read them too. I also read Dr. John Gottman's book, and many others, and none of them helped. We went to counseling for the first time a couple of years ago, and that didn't help. We started seeing a different C last July, and we're still seeing her. She's helped some, but nothing has helped as much as Michele's "The Sex-Starved Marriage." It literally opened our eyes (yes, W's too!). It's a totally new approach. There are different sections addressed to each spouse. One of the messages to the low-drive spouse is along the lines of "You may think that you shouldn't have to make love to your spouse if you don't feel like it, but if you never feel like it, consider how difficult it is for your spouse to remain faithful..." (paraphrasing). I mean really, the book is so full of plain talk and common sense on a subject that until now has been virtually ignored!
The big thing is that if W won't admit there is a problem, and isn't willing to even explore the possibility, then you may not have much choice - but don't give up until every possibility is explored. Think about all the cool family stuff you might miss down the road, or if not missed, it'd be more difficult, like holidays, special events, etc. You'll have grandkids in common - once you're married, you can't ever really be "un-related" again, at least once there's kids.
Anyway, please don't stop posting, and don't give up trying. Even if it doesn't work out in the end, you'll know that you did everything you could.
