Rollar Coasters are no longer fun

[Amy]

Well, I started a new thread and i am back with a new attitude or so I hope. I have so many mixed emotions in my head I don’t know where to begin. I am going to briefly go over my sit paraphrased and then let you know where we are now and see what you think.

In January of 2006 my husband was hospitalized for being suicidal. 12 days later he came home and 5 days after that let me know he met a woman in the hospital who understood him better than I ever did. He was “in love” and he was leaving me. That lasted about a week and then he came back. Shortly after coming back I had to have him taken out of the home by the police because he had a knife to his throat. He was hospitalized again and did not return to me until 3 months later. During this time he was diagnosed as bipolar and this is where my storey begins.

He came home in May of 2006 with a list of ultimatums and I agreed to everyone just because I wanted him home. I didn’t care what I had to do. I would have walked through fire. (pathetic I know). Rules were
• I could not ask about his affair.
• I could not talk about his illness
• I could not ever bring up anything he did over the past 3 months
• Absolutely no marital counseling.

Needless to say 15 months later he came home one day only to tell me he didn’t love me anymore and really had been faking it the past 3 months. He told me that he was sick of faking it and feeling empty and he wanted out. He also promised he wouldn’t leave because he knew it would hurt the kids to much.

2 weeks later after our family vacation he packed up and moved out 2 days before school started. This was hardest on my oldest who was new to middle school this year. At first I was done, I didn’t think I could do this anymore and the anger was unreal. I read book after book on bipolar. I also ready Love must be tough, by dr. James Dobson, I don’t love you anymore by Dave Clark, Divorce Remedy and Divorce Busting by Michelle, and the list goes on. I have gotten so many different opinions and so many different ideas. The one thing that is most difficult though is these techniques do necessarily say they apply to the mentally ill.

That being said I have tried to give him more space this time. It has not been easy. He has been spending the night with the other woman from 15 months ago. He says they are only “friends”. She is involved with someone else who is always there but….it still eats at me. He met some guys at a bar and crashes at their place a lot and sometimes sleeps in his car. He says there is no other woman and that he just wants to be homeless and have no worries. I am left at home with the 5 children and all the worries. (I am trying not to be sarcastic but…..) I should point out he was and has been an un-medicated bipolar. At this time he is getting back on meds or so he says.

Here is where I am confused for 4 weeks he was adamant that we were divorcing. I never said much but just tried to keep calm. Then on Labor day we ended up sleeping together. (I am not sure exactly why I was that dumb. It was a whirlwind). Well he told me he wanted to work on things and he thought maybe they could work etc…. four hours later he called me to tell me he hated me and that he was wrong it wouldn’t work. Tuesday night we met with a bipolar friend and talked a lot and things seemed to calm. On Friday he was supposed to take my son to the movies and didn’t show so my son called him. He tried to back out so I got on the phone and said don’t tell them your coming again if your not and then he said Fine I will take the F***ing kid to the F***ing movie. (I should point out I was doing dishes and the speaker was on) My son was devastated and didn’t want to go at that point. After some coaxing and etc he went to the movies with my other son and my husband. When they got back I was told that daddy made them promise not to tell me but that they went to a rated R movie. (they are 11 and 9 and I was not happy) I bit my tongue so there were no issues.

On Saturday he asked me to meet him at the mall with my girls so he could spend time with them. I left him with 4 of the 5 kids because another was at a sleepover and started walking off and he yelled after me and asked me to come with them. We had a great time. We enjoyed the day it was amazing. Then when time to go I asked him if he wanted the kids that evening also since it was supposed to be his weekend and he snapped. He was so mad because he thought I had a date. (as if) He started to drive off and my purse was in his car so I reached in to get it and he rolled the car window on my arm. He kept it there for quite a while rolling it down a little and then cramming it up further. My kids saw it and needless to say it was horrid. He swore on Monday he would file for divorce he hated me.

Monday he came over to the house to make spaghetti for the kids. I always leave so he can have the kids and the house. He called me and asked me to come back to eat with them. I did and everything went great. He asked me if Tuesday I wanted to go for a soda and I said sure. Tuesday he called and said he changed his mind maybe Wednesday (today). Today he called and said never mind how about tomorrow.

Now that I have rambled forever here are my questions.

1) How would you handle this?
2) Should I simply tell him no we can not go out because I feel this is his way of controlling me. If I think I am going with him I can’t make other plans.
3) Was what he did with my arm considered physical abuse? I am very unsure about this but I was terrified.

I really don’t know what to do or where to go from here. I just know I love him. I want my family back together but not if it is going to be broken and violent.

I have really changed a lot in the past couple of weeks. I have joined a womans bible study on Tuesdays. I attend Wednesday bible studies. I go to church on Sundays and I have found an entire new group of Christian friends. When I tell him about my church or that he is in my prayers he is violently mad. He calls me”Jesus”.

I am wondering if maybe sometimes it is better to throw in the towel. I don't want to but I know biblically I do have grounds for divorce because of the adultery. I dont want this but I am starting to worry that I am going to lose myself in all of this and I am worried about my children. (whole different story for a different day)

I am very lost and would appreciate so much the feedback from any of you.

Sorry to be so lengthy.