CVA - "B,B&B"

[Not Much Left]

OK, I promised earlier that I would share what is going through my mind, here goes. All feedback welcome.

1. Show me appreciation. words of affirmation for a job well done, work, dad, husband. Not once unsolicited in all of our R
2. Initiate contact, kisses, hugs, sitting in lap, sex, whatever as long as it is unsolicited and her idea.
3. Do something totally uncalled for, a gift or just a coffee (once in last 9 yrs does not count, that is as far back as I can remember)
4. Tell me she loves me, without prompting or just a reflex.
6. Just Speak the F UP! Tell me what YOU want, daily stuff, Sex, whatever, JUST FREAKIN TALK TO ME?
7. Brag on me, be just a tad jealous when someone shows me attention, give me a reason to think you actually care that I am alive or dead?

Sound like Love Languages? Here is my problem, all of the requests / needs from me above have rarely, if ever been done / met in 18 yrs of knowing this woman.

Why did I marry her? Why did I continue 3 other times when she said no mas.

I DONT KNOW RIGHT NOW?

SInce the Separation, she wont even call me by my name or honey or anything and I am starting to come unglued by being invisible like this. It is like I do not exist. I get this at the beginning, but almost 7 mos later to say "HEY" instead of CVA or Honey or Jerkoff, or....is dehumanizing and cruel and I wont stand for it anymore. Enemies have enough respect to give people respect by name if nothing else.

I AM AFRAID (A FIGURE OF SPEECH, NOT ACTUALLY AFRAID) THAT WE ARE NOWHERE, NOWHERE, NOWHERE.

I truly believe she is just waiting for me to sick of her treatment of me and just tell her I want out. It is classsic Passive / Agressive behavior, even a dumbass like me knows this from Psych 101.

I am afraid I have really not changed at all, that I will always be this angry miserable person she says I am. Very humbling if nothing else to see that your core personality is VERY flaweed. I am so beat up inside that I am losing faith in myself. I am not sure I am getting anything out of counseling, that I am just fooling / kidding myself that I am improving in any significant way.

I dont want to be the old me and with a Woman who does not want me and may never have wanted me. This sounds like a pity party but after all this and a lot of self reflecting, I really dont believe my W ever really loved me like I would want....I was a passing ship who just happened to do well, got her pregnant which I think she wanted, realized she didnt want me after the 2nd child and tried to get out. Then after child 3. Now 2x after child 4. Why should I fight any more. She NEVER has fought for us.

Please no psycho babble about how I hurt her and she has fought. Trust me, she has never fought for us, not once.

I am afraid, yes afraid, that I am done with all this. She did not have the time to call me back tonight. F you. I dont know what I am going to do tomorrow. Right now, I might just tell her we are done. You wanted to "protect" your kids and "not screw them up" (her words), guess what sister, you are, your choice, you did. NOT ME. But you know who will be blamed for the next however many years, me, not miss perfect silent beautiful mom, sister, daughter, friend.

I love my children, but not sure I choose to love my W anymore

Alright, please bring it on.

C