Well, H decided to "show up" again a few weeks ago after hitting a low point (spending a day in jail, for a fight with some guy). A couple weeks ago I spent quite a bit of time hanging out with him. This was the first time we had done anything like this since he left last October. He came over for dinner and bocce on a Monday, and we went surfing together for a couple days that same week. Both went really well. There were a few small challenges, and I used some opportunities to stand up for myself where needed and to kinda pass on some things that I've learned.
But then (the end of that week) I discovered he had tried to hide from me the fact that he had been off work the Sunday before our "activity" week, because he'd gone to a town an hour and a half away for the weekend. I haven't questioned him about this, beyond coming out and asking him if he worked that day and then why he lied to me about it. He was clearly ashamed, and admitted to being evasive so that I didn't know he was off work that shift. Those, in and of themselves, were huge steps for him and I left it at that. Not sure I need to know why he was "evasive", but it's good for me to know that he was struggling to live honestly.
I asked him to meet with me over coffee the next morning (a Saturday), and I used that time to share how much I respected him. Yeah, sounds odd, I know. But I used the concept from the book Love & Respect of showing men unconditional respect. There were a lot of positives in that meeting but it ended poorly. I let him make efforts to keep the peace afterwards.
I struggled internally with the knowledge he had something to hide. I was hot and cold over the next couple days. We texted pretty often last week, but he didn't invite me out on any dates or make an extra effort to follow up on any of the stuff we'd talked about. (though not sure I blame him, cuz it was stuff like... why he doesn't want a D, etc.) I noticed that in his texts he'd say he was gonna call me later, but never do it. Finally on Friday, I pointed that out to him when he did this yet again. Later that afternoon, he called... to tell me what he was going to go do that evening and the next day... his plans with his friends. I ended up spilling how I really felt about that and the current sitch. It wasn't pretty, but not the worst by any means. That night when I woke up in the middle of the night (and had my RE exam the next day), I texted him some things that I wanted to get off my chest.
He has not been getting that I want to be wooed, and that he needs to take serious action on that to get somewhere. Maybe he will soon, as I see a little progress. Yesterday, he suggested we go surfing again and said he would call me on Friday. It was so casual. I'm not sure yet. I told him I will call him, that I just needed some space for now. He made a comment about this being like "last time" and when I asked him what he meant he said like last Spring. I didn't agree completely with what he said, but I told him what was similar from my view... the fact he didn't seem to want to give me what I need and comes across like he just thinks he can come back when and how it suits HIM. I told him it's NOT gonna happen like that.
He seems to be really listening to me more and very much trying to be a better communicator. As I write that, I see what a huge step that is. I think he's getting that a reconciliation is not going to happen with everything on his terms and timeline, and that he needs to respect my needs as well as I respect his. He actually agreed when I pointed this out to him yesterday.
So, maybe I should put myself out there for another surf date with him. Part of me would prefer he take me out on a fancy date, like he would someone else he was trying to impress. I don't know.
Me: 37 M: 14 yrs Separated 10/06; Filed for D 12/07 Life is good.
