Yes, I know it's all too recent, the "not just friends" book says that the first 2-3months are the hardest, when both partners are ambivalent. I almost wanted to shout to him "if you have feelings for her and none for me then go and leave with her". Yes, he is telling me the truth, but how it hurts.
Hey Cat, Found your thread and trying to catch up. 2-3 months? I guess I'll need to steel myself for a long roller coaster ride. I'm shouting in my head right now what you quoted above.
Oh Kel, thanks so much for your post, it's like looking into the future and know that it will be ok, that my H won't be on edge forever like he is now, when I'm safe and healed and .. maybe happy at some point!
=================== his motivation was to protect her feelings, most of it was trying to avoid having to look himself in the mirror and admit he used her and made a horrible mess out of a whole lot of people's lives. ===================== how many times my H has said this, guilt is eating alive, he has been telling her "I need time, let's not talk for a while" for about 2wks or so. Even at work people can tell there is something very wrong with him.
======================= and is terrified that the other shoe will fall and you'll give up on him. He is terrified that you will throw this in his face forever ========================= Kel, you might've as well be on the same room when talked, he is just afraid this will never go away and that I will make him pay for this because right now I ask questions here and there. I'm working hard at remembering what he HAS done to do things right, im getting out of the habit of rehashing his mistakes.
======= But try, just for now, not to argue about the discrepencies in his stories. =========== You are right, i've been doing that a lot, using a fine tooth comb... for what? it helps me none but to make him feel hounded.
======== He'll stop lying when he feels safe to tell the truth. ========== And I have to remember and stamp on my forehead that I need to be a safe place, not the wench to fear :P
You DO know what you are talking about. As they say in the movies, I'm too close to the sitch to be objective, my emotions are jerking me around, asking for what he can't give me now but wants to in the future. Thanks for dissipating the fog that is blinding me right now -- and again, i'm very very happy for you and glad you posted your story to give us all more hope, hugs))))))))))))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
yes, it takes such a long time, when one days equals a week of pain, hope you are doing something for yourself , GAL to keep you busy and stop counting the hrs
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Yes, I know it's all too recent, the "not just friends" book says that the first 2-3months are the hardest, when both partners are ambivalent. I almost wanted to shout to him "if you have feelings for her and none for me then go and leave with her". Yes, he is telling me the truth, but how it hurts.
Hey Cat, Found your thread and trying to catch up. 2-3 months? I guess I'll need to steel myself for a long roller coaster ride. I'm shouting in my head right now what you quoted above.
Yikes! My husband would have LOVED for me to make his decision for him like that. Then he could justify everything he'd been lying to everyone else and himself about.
Don't ask questions until you are ready for the answers.
Don't suggest he do anything unless you are prepared for him to do it and blame you for the consequences.
He doesn't know what he feels right now. I guarantee it. If you corner him he'll take the path of least resistance. Get a life for yourself. Hope for the best but prepare for that to not necessarily be what you hope it is right now. You have to detach and really evaluate if you want this because only when you give them the rope and they realize what they have to lose, will they do the work to save it and themselves.
There is no time line. What takes years for some WAS to get through-- anger, guilt, confusion, despair-- etc., takes others months. You can't control that, you can only slow down their progress by making them responsible for your happiness.
While we were first seperated, SB refused to even entertain the thought that he may actually love me and had made a mistake. He figured he must not love me if he could cheat on me and break our vows. Our vows were null and void. Our marriage was done.
Then I stopped asking. Then I stopped calling. Did 180's. I waited until I was ready for the answer before asking the questions. He had no idea if he could love me again, but we knew love was a decision so after seeing me, as I really was, instead of the harpy he'd turned me into in his mind (and to be honest, in some reality), he decided to give it a try. At first he had no memory of our past. It was so sad, and so frustrating and so scary. But you know, once he just made the decision and did the work--- getting rid of HER --- and as soon as he was comfortable that I accepted this on the terms that we'd see what was best for both of us and then decide if we want to stay together or not, the pressure was gone.
I swear it was like a veil lifted. He suddenly couldn't remember NOT loving me and is totally convinced he was insane. I NEVER brought up MLC to him, he, in so many words has described it. He's hit his knees, in tears, to thank God... and me for not giving up on him. Funny thing is, just 2 days ago he brought up some memories from our past that I'd forgotten about. Then he said, "See. I'm remembering now."
Do your thing. Make him do the work. Take space and time to figure out what YOU want. The distance between us probably sped up the whole process a bit. It also gave us both a reason to believe the A never would have happened had we not been apart. But if I'd have agreed one time when he told me to divorce him.... UGH. What a loss.
Sorry for the T/J. Sorry if I'm saying nothing new. You can slow down this ride and make it last longer though... I'm just sayin'
OOPS. My apologies to Disillusioned for not realizing you are a guy when I responded. Going to read your thread. Please change the *hims* to *hers* and *hes* to *shes* and forgive me for not reading your sitch before responding. Just was hoping support your decision to keep those words in your head and never say them unless you mean it.
as I really was, instead of the harpy he'd turned me into in his mind (and to be honest, in some reality), he decided to give it a try. At first he had no memory of our past. It was so sad, and so frustrating and so scary =============== we must be following a script or something Kel, that's also in my sitch, he can't remember when we loved each other. I pray pray my H one day remembers what his MLC and A wiped off his mind and heart, with time, and me letting go,it can happen.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
OOPS. My apologies to Disillusioned for not realizing you are a guy when I responded. Going to read your thread. Please change the *hims* to *hers* and *hes* to *shes* and forgive me for not reading your sitch before responding. Just was hoping support your decision to keep those words in your head and never say them unless you mean it.
Kel
Quite alright. The advice all seems to be the same whether its a WAH or WAW. It definitely hit home.
To ease things up between H and I...I held my questions for a LONG time...after he was back and things were going better I did start to ask..."closure for me" questions...because in the beginning I did like you...wanted answers...but then realized I had waited a long time to have him "consider" trying to love me again...and coming home, committed to make things work....that my answers...well I could wait...after all I was the "sane one"...I think!
So just back off...hold the questions for when you are both strong and can talk about things with less emotion and more learning...believe this will go along way for H forgiving himself...guilt is really hard on a person...even though they brought it on themself and they deserve every bit of it...it is still hard and not something I would have wished on him...
Take care...Lin...now on the other side and starting to forget the details of THOSE years...looking to the future!
neither of us is strong, you are right Lin, I guess right now I'm just tearing us with questions that only bring pain.
Sometimes, I just dont' listen. He was trying to tell me last night "let me heal, i'm destroyed inside, when I find where I am in this world again you can look at anything you want (phone records) right now I want my privacy, I want space"
No, I'm not ready for the answers he's giving me, they tear me appart, I guess I was fooled for so long that now I want to know it all.
Detach detach detach, that has to be my new mantra, to let him come to me, because, honestly, that's the man I want, not one I entice/convince to love me, I want a man who loves me for who I AM, for what I am.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
****"let me heal, i'm destroyed inside, when I find where I am in this world again you can look at anything you want (phone records) right now I want my privacy, I want space"***** =================================================================
Can you do this for him...because really at the end of all this craziness you will both be in a place that is safe....safe to talk about the past....to talk about the future...and to trust each other with your feelings...
He isn't ready to expell the puke (for lack of better word) in him yet...and you aren't ready to deal with it without puking yourself!...
When you can listen to his answers and not cry...not that you won't feel the pain but it won't be so raw...and he can answer any question you have...then you will know you are where you want to be....till then...let him lead...don't pull or push because this will send him to his automatic defense status of lying, covering, hiding...keeping your cool when he does come will start to reinforce that he can "trust" you too...you need to let him talk and not judge...I know how very hard that is because like you...honesty is a biggy with me...I had to let things go and play out...I am glad I did...I feel H is truthful with me...and even if the truth is not what I want to hear (which so often he lied to tell me what I wanted to hear) I keep my cool and accept that we are two different people with very different feelings, ideas, reactions, and I have to deal with this...this is my burden...I can not expect him to do everything like I would...anymore then he can expect that of me...this was at the root of his unhappiness...and now is the root of our cure...
