Sigh. Kissak, we will both have to stay the course, eh?
BB, You're very perceptive. Thanks for giving your take on that exchange. I see what you are saying and agree that it probably was taken in the way you said. I, of course, didn't mean to do that. I think that I am just so afraid of getting my hopes up yet again that I block those opportunities as they come up.
I did reply to him. I told him that the content of the dream wasn't what really struck me, but instead the feelings that it left me with. I woke up and felt so close to him, and I also had an overwhelming feeling of "everything is going to be o.k." I apologized for any misunderstanding regarding all of it.
I do think that he puts out his feelers every now and then. I have also found that when I respond in a more appropriate manner, I tend to get hurt. I also have found that it seems that he is waiting for me to change this pattern we are in, and I really do need help from him. We need to change the pattern together, but I think he is afraid to try. Instead, he sits back and waits for my (predictable) reactions.
Also, I remember reading in one of my journals a while back that "Never again would I put myself out there!" Meaning, I was noticing that I would dive into the murky depths and pull out those feelings that we try to hide away, and he respond by pulling away or in silence. Yet, he would encourage those talks. It got to be that I felt empty afterwords. I wanted something in return, not just someone to listen to me. I wanted to share those deep thoughts, fears, concerns. So, you see, the dream was one of those deep things to me. I was afraid of sharing because I knew it would end up yet another one sided conversation. Why did I bring it up in the first place? I shouldn't have. I was just so caught up in feeling, for the first time in a looooooong time, so at peace.
I am really starting to sound like a real head case here....
