WAW1978-Part 4

[Heimlich]

Thanks, GD, I was about to type about the same post. WAW . . . inquiring minds want to know

[waw1978]

The issues had been laid out for him...more than once. He needs IC to get over his control issues and learn why he must stiffle all that makes me who I am. He needs to stop calling me & my family trash and treating me like a second class citizen. I think most of this stems from an overbearing mother. He has never really gotten out under Mommies skirt and has allowed his parents to run most of his life, including his marriage. I have always been no 5, after D, MIL, FIL, & SIL...sometimes I wonder if even the dog & cat got higher priority.

When I suggested that he continue on with the IC (he has been 2x) as I thought it was helping him he totally disagreed. He said he didn't need it, never needed it and didn't the point since he was moving on. I did not push the issue. I have been seeing and IC for some time as I blamed myself for not being "good enough" for him, be it looks wise, as a wife or as a mother. I almost had a nervous breakdown trying to be what he wanted and essentially denying who I was. It wasn't until I knew more about myself that I was able to recognize that our M was in serious trouble.

I am not running out to get a date but I might just have to entertain the idea depending on what the proposition was. Drinks after work, maybe. Dinner, probably not. Low commitment but mingling none the less.

[Kelley]

WAW,

I'm with you and Atlas on the ring thing. I just got to the point where it felt like a lie to wear it. Like Atlas said, the R is dead, long live the R (maybe).

Scary, isn't it? A little taste of freedom is nice, but it would be wonderful to have the S back. What if we move on? What if the feelings die? Guess we'll have to cross those bridges as we come to them. What if they come back and we've moved on?


BD

I have moved my wedding band to the right hand. They even have a name for it, a right-hand ring. Clever huh? It is not the typical type plain wedding band and a shame to let it sit around in a box. Just looks like a nice diamond ring with 2 rows of diamonds. Might freak H out to see it on the opposite hand.

I am not dating out of spite that is if I do get one. I would like things to work out with H but he is out going to concert's, dinners, parties with OW so I am not about to sit at home and turn anything down if something good comes my way. May just be the push that I need to detach completely.

[Atlas]

waw1978,

Thanks for the update! You have no idea, I'm your H and you my W. Almost the issue match up. Like GD said, he is reacting in hopes for some control, he is so scared and lost right now and probably can't even think it through logically. I wish he would seek help, I know the IC sessions helped me a ton. Then the C kicked me to the curb after like 6 sessions. Said I was fine, hmmmm? I really enjoyed it, but he said I was capable of handling things myself and if W ever wanted we should do MC.

Well get out an mingle, that is what I'm doing. I can't not commit to anything real or big. But I'm having some fun out meeting people at friend events and social gatherings.

[waw1978]

Good idea Kelley. A right hand ring. Maybe I will try that, sans the band of course. Just the engagement ring. Its also a non-traditional set up with some stones on each side. Wonder if anyone will even notice that it was an engagement ring?

I have to agree with those of us here who are kind of in limbo, I think mingling will probably be okay. Maybe boost the esteem.

[Heimlich]

WAW,

Don't know about Atlas, GD, and the other guys, but if you put a wedding ring on your right hand, most of us wouldn't notice other than, "oh, nice ring."

Anyway, we'd all be trying not to look at the boob shirt.

I'm so sorry about your H. He really does sound a lot like my stepdad. I've a pretty good idea of what your life was like, must've sucked in many ways. Like I said earlier, be true to yourself. He'll develop the inner strength that he needs to deal with you as an equal or not, you can't really be much clearer than you have been with him.

Meant to comment earlier, 50/50 on the dog? WTF is up with that?

BD

[Gone Dancin']

I have to agree with those of us here who are kind of in limbo, I think mingling will probably be okay. Maybe boost the esteem.

I hear this, but remember that to have that healthy R with yourself, YOU need to be the one to boost your self-esteem, not others. Build other healthy R's with others (friends, coworkers, relatives, etc), but build self-esteem with being happy with who you are. Know that you are a great person, and anyone would be lucky to have you as a friend, relative, significant other, etc. This is where the self-esteem is best achieved. Make individual goals (both short term and long term), strive to meet them, and revel in your accomplishments. Make the necessary changes in you that you KNOW will bring you closer to being the person you want to be -- let that boost your self-esteem. Just remember that ultimately no one can make you happy except you. Mingling is fine, but do it for the right reasons.

Sorry, just think it's good for ALL OF US to remember that.

GD

[still trying]

You guys all speak my language I've been so lonely and feeling unwanted these past few months that going out and dating sounds really good! I know I'm nowhere near ready for that, but going out and flirting and getting some attention sounds really good.

I have the same worries too, that maybe I'll meet someone and move on and blow any chance we have. But on the same token I can't really wait around forever. It's a hard call to make, especially if my wife started dating other people.

Still torn on the ring too. I've been wearing it because I still want to be married. But now I've hit the realization that my wife is never going to let her guard down and let me get any closer to her (as a friend or more) as long as she feels I haven't gotten her message that it's over, and if I do things that show I'm still interested and still want to try, she just seems to react worse. I still want to wear my ring, but I feel like I'm at a point where the best thing to do in order to have a future chance with her is to make it clear I've let her go. Not wearing my ring seems like it would do that...

Who knows...

[Heimlich]

GD,

You, sir, are exactly correct. However, I'm not averse to a little PMA boost from some opposite-sex attention at the moment.

By the way, that's an excellent post.

BD

[waw1978]

Hey H

The dog thing is part of his control issues. The dog is mine. In her I eyes, I am her human. But H wants the dog mostly because he knows how much I love the dog. Sad isn't it? Yes, he likes the dog. The dog has lived with us since we were married but it still doesn't make it his dog. So he was using her as leverage but now has conceded that I can have the dog on the days that I have D4, as he no longer wants me having access to the house. He travels for work and I had been stay at our home during those times to care for the dog & cat. So he agreed to shared custody of the dog mainly to get me the hell out of his life so he can "move on".

I can list about a dozen other "possesions" that he is selfishly keeping. Like my dining room set (that he hates), my bed (which he also hated until recently...now he says since its only him in it he likes it just fine)...I can just imagine what else. He has gotten really petty about material things. I am just so much better than that. I told him fine, keep it. Keep it all. I am just going to have to buy new stuff anyway...I hope he falls over when he gets the CC bill for all the stuff I had to buy that we could have just compromised on at the house.

I wish I had the cajones like some people to just show up with a U-Haul and clean the place out while he is away. But I think that is wrong, underhanded and dishonest. Yes its all half mine but actions like that are things that some people get really bitter about. That was never my intention when this happened.

For now the ball is in his court. Interesting how the WAS can have the LBS just turn on them...Leaves us WAS that really wanted to work on things in the lurch. Taste of our own medicine maybe?