Responding to your earlier post, I also found myself following H around in the house. H got annoyed and mentioned that I am always following him around. After he told me, I tried to give him "cave time", trying to do other things in the house when he is home.
The books always say the contact needs to be cut cleanly, with no dangling threads, always with a firm letter or email, etc. But I wonder how many can really do that? I know my H is not willing to do that. Contact is still there, and from all the info I am given from H, he is just hoping she will eventually realize that he won't be there for her (despite him telling her so), and she will move on quietly. Like campfire slowly dying out. For me, that is not a "clean cut". She will never know that she is not supposed to contact him again. She may resurface in a year or two, when she is at some low point, or whatever and ask him for comfort and A may start again (though unlikely since they are now miles apart, but still). At the same time, H already told me he cannot do the "clean cut" thing.
I wonder if your H is doing the same thing. Will that be OK with you for the A just slowly dies that way? Is he willing to send a "termination" letter to end it? Not sure if this is the right time to ask since you are still at the beginning of piecing.
And yes, those feelings of lows are so normal. But I do have happy feelings. When I am able to just get back to DB mode, being in the same "fighting mode" when I started DBing at the first discovery of A. Remember those times? I ignored what he is doing (the outings, the phone calls) and just act as if. When I can do that, and treat H like my lover (or friend), H responds positively and we always have a good time.
ohh yeah that sounds like my wife. We'll just go back to being friends... but if no contact is a boundary of yours you can express that to him. If my wife were to break it off I wouldn't insist on no contact just state that I can't be in a marriage with him in the wings making the no contact committment is up to her. Leaving after violating my boundary is my choice.
H 30 (me) W 28 Married 9 yrs 2 children EA found out on 7/5/07 ILYBNILWY 8/25/07 The unexamined life is not worth living -Socrates
My wife wants a "separation" to think about our marriage.
I told her: when you get a job and we can afford two households, if it's not over with him, we are divorcing.
He's clearly not leaving his wife. He's stringing mine along.
Enough is enough.
Now I've got to move my wife towards a marketable skill and press her to get a well-paying job. If she doesn't want in, I think it's time to push her out.
I feel freer now. I care less. I feel less afraid.
The truth is, Olive, as long as he communicates with her, you'll never be able to let your guard down and trust him. You'll have lows for the rest of you time with him as long as she's in the picture.
If he doesn't have the decency, courage or compassion to stop communicating with his lover, he may need to be shocked into it.
If he doesn't have the decency, courage or compassion to stop communicating with his lover, he may need to be shocked into it.
This is so CLEAR to the LBS....why can't the WAS see that ANY contact with the OP is affecting the marriage negatively...fog I guess. It's like they think of the marriage and their affair as unrelated....as we all know all too well that we wouldn't be on the infidelity board if the OP didn't exist.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
H KNOWS he needs to cut contact completely. We've had that talk. He just hasn't done it in a way that leaves ow w/no question of his intent.
Theo, you are right.. it is killing me. I will never begin to heal until this is over.. somehow. I cry every day - most of the time alone; sometimes in front of him. I'm tired of my pain while he just goes through life happy as a clam. I want his life transparent to me or I want out.
Is he willing to send a "termination" letter to end it? Not sure if this is the right time to ask since you are still at the beginning of piecing.
I'm pretty sure he would have done this already if he really wanted to.. Again, he knows it's the right way to end it. I'm a tad bit reluctant to demand it at the moment since there are some positive signs such as H spending much more time at home, being much better about my GAL activities, he holds me while we are waking up every morning, we fall asleep holding hands every night, talk talk talk talk...
But, the continued contact is/will eventually negate all of the good. I think OC and my H's would like to simply wake up one morning and be happy in their marriages. With no effort. With no accountability. Without any guilt for hurting so many people.
ok.. I'm pretty sure I'm done with my pity party..
I'll tell ya, we also do the holding hands thing at night. And he holds me more than anytime in our life than ever. Much more attentive than anytime before, dating or married. And he listens most of the time (which is SO GOOD already for a men to listen most of the time). He would be the greatest lover at this point if there were no OW and A beforehand. Most friends see us and wonder what we are doing we look like we are so deeply in love. The female friends all want to know how we are so good together. Beneath the surface, however, the pain is there. I feel the same that the contact is negating all the good. I feel like we are putting a bandaid on a rottening wound.
Knowing my H and what he went through, I do think I need to give him space and let him end it the way he wants to end it. My H did tell me he will cut off contact eventually, but he asked me to give him space. Will see how long I can last "giving him space".
LO, we can have a pity party every so often. Then wipe off the tears and start GALing again :-)
I told H that I needed for him to cut off all contact. He refused. In fact, he told me now that he's not making any promises regarding our M and some other equally hurtful things. Well.. I FLIPPED OUT (I was literally shaking with hurt/pain) and sobbed at him that I can't take it anymore; that his A has hurt me to the bottom of my soul; that he needs to go and be with ow and live happily ever after.
I've hit rock bottom. I feel like I might be having some sort of a breakdown.
(((((Olive))))) I am so sorry. You have to remember that you CANNOT change him. If he made comments like that, it shows that he is still very broken. He still wants everything his way...OW and you. He can't have both. You are a good woman...you deserve so much better. I know you want your husband and your marriage, but this guy does not deserve you. You need to step back...you need to focus on you. You CAN make it without him....you need to realize that. I know first hand this is very hard, but if you start focusing on you, I think that you will start doing a lot better. I'm praying for you.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
