Now I've done it

[nephartiti]

Great! S2 just threw up. I jinxed us with the death bed talk. Gonna go take care of my sick little one.

Not going to call H.

[nephartiti]

I talked to my L. I have an appt on Friday. The money is making me very uncomfortable. I'm considering legal separation so I can get a court order for child support and custody. Sad that this has gotten so far that I can't be sure he is going to help support our children.

I know it is going to cost more in the end by doing it this way, but if he wants a D, he'll have to file.

[mkultra]

About being back on the market, I've had some invites but feel like I'm... cheating. These are from old "friends". I know I don't want anything beyond friendly companionship, but, under the circumstances, I feel I'm better off not even going there.

Where do you guys draw the line? Obviously, our H's have company, but two wrongs don't make a right. Right? Even a platonic outing could possibly complicate things and be turned around to make me look bad. I could use the boost in my self esteem, though. It's probably not the best place to go looking for that boost.

THIS IS WHAT HOMER SAYS ON DATING

4. Date Others
“When I’m married?” “Oh, yeah, unless your attorney tells you not to do it. Even then, youcan go ahead and do it very discreetly. But particularly enjoy others.
I had this preacher in my office not very long ago, and I said, “How do you feel?” “I’mdepressed. My wife’s divorcing me, we’re separated, and she won’t listen to reason. Hermind’s made up.” I said, “What method are you using?” “I’m talking with her, I’m prayingabout it.” I said, “Well, are any of those methods working?” “No.” I said, “Not only that,she seems to be getting further away from you, doesn’t she?” “Yeah.” I said, “It never worksfor anybody. It wouldn’t work for Jesus Christ, because those methods show her that youhave low self-esteem. You’re really telling her, ‘I’m a pea-brain. Don’t you want to live witha pea-brain?’” “Well, how am I telling her that?” “Well, you’re telling her that you can’t seethat the world is full of thousands and thousands of gorgeous, sweet women, who would do anything to have a guy like you. You’re telling her that you can’t see that. You just can’t see
that, you’re such a pea-brain.

So you ask a woman, “I’m a pea-brain. Do you want to live with a pea-brain?” She says,“No thank you!” He said, “But that’s against the Bible.” I said, “Baloney. I didn’t say fall inlove with anybody. I didn’t say take them to bed. I just said date them.”


Dr. David Burns, in his book Intimate Connections, Chapter 8, “How To Deal With A PersonWho’s Giving You The Runaround,” he calls it the Harem Principle. He says when you getone, all of a sudden there’s a bunch of them.
Two weeks after dating a woman, his wife starts phoning him. Wants to know what’s goingon. And gradually, she talked to him more and more, initiative coming from her. So theygradually got back together.

[LL44]

Hope S2 is feeling better. Instead of feeling desparate without Daddy being around to help with sick son, own it, and pour your heart into helping him feel better. It will make you feel better.

Good idea about the lawyer. Are you going to tell him you are going to one?

[mkultra]

I think if you are DBing you are meant to avoid lawyer talk. Seeing a lawyer shows that you want a D. Do you want a D? You have two kids to protect so maybe there is someone at the county who can help you. Of course I have gone to NOLO, but I have not filed or sat with a lawyer. I may need to get WIC, but my sitch is different because my H has not yet stopped giving me money. He may this stop this month. Yikes.

[nephartiti]

My H has not stopped giving me money either... YET. He is so unpredictable and covert, I don't know what to expect.

I sat with a L because I am scared out of my mind. When he left, at first, I thought I would beat him to it. He said he hated me, didn't want anything to do with me, blah blah blah.

I think I posted earlier how I was ready to do all the work. My intention, at this point, is to have the L prep orders for costody and child support. I intend to sit on it. If the money stops, I will act immediately.

I do NOT want a D. However, I do want to send the message that he does have a responsibility to these children whether or not he decides to be present. Money talks, I believe. Maybe it will be a wake up call to see how much money is going to be missing from his play money. He has not started managing his own money. He just takes what he wants. He's like a teenager with Mom's credit card. He feels there's no limit.

Basically, without an order, his crazy self can take the kids on an outing one day and not come back. Because he is the father, I could not do a darn thing about it, unless there is something in writing. Considering he hasn't seen his kids in over a week, and he hasn't called in 6 days, I don't think he really wants them right now. However, he always SAYS he wants them. He is unstable. Bottom line, I don't trust him.

I am walking a fine line between acting in faith or acting in fear. I honestly don't know what is best. Being dark, I don't want to make any moves right now. I'm not shooting, but I'm loading the guns.

He knows I've talked to a L. I did this early on and relayed to him the ballpark of money that would be expected for child support and the estimated cost of divorce. He's too busy in La La land to even acknowledge it.

S2 is feeling much better. Thank you.

[SallyM]

neph, right now the money is the same for us, here. if something changes with that, I will probably do the same, get the lawyer I talked to involved. I did the same as you, talked to the lawyer early on. its a good idea to. and I like that image, you aren't shooting, just loading the guns. says it all very nicely.

[nephartiti]

Just checked the bank account. He's here in town again. Yesterday and today. I know I shouldn't speculate, but WTH? He drives 30 miles to come fill up his gas tank down the street, but he doesn't call to see the kids?

I've been reading some stuff in the MLC forum. Sounds a lot like my H. Looks like we might be in this a lot longer than I hoped.

I have been good though. Haven't called him even though I have been extremely tempted. Last night, I just wanted to hear his voice. I miss him so much. Sitting alone in the dark, the recent bad stuff starts to fade and I am left with wonderful memories of the love of my life. Then I wake up and remind myself that he is not here, and I am alone.

[SallyM]

nephartiti, good for you for not calling. try to stop checking on the bank acct so much if possible...is starting to feel a bit like snooping, which (trust me) only will end up hurting you in the long run. if you are worried about the money, just check the balances, but not where he was, etc.

(((HUGS))) I do get the waking up and reminding yourself of the reality of it. that part is hard. I had a dream a month or so ago and I swear I thought H was in bed with me, that all of this (I'm talking all of it, the affair, everything) had been a dream. I was so out of it when I woke up I reached for him to comfort me because the "dream" had been so real. took me a minute to realize it wasn't a dream after all.

take care.

[LL44]

oh morgan, I have had those. They hurt.

nephartiti, hope you didn't call. But the kids, he should want to see the kids. Hmph.