Yes, I know it's all too recent, the "not just friends" book says that the first 2-3months are the hardest, when both partners are ambivalent. I almost wanted to shout to him "if you have feelings for her and none for me then go and leave with her". Yes, he is telling me the truth, but how it hurts.
Hey Cat, Found your thread and trying to catch up. 2-3 months? I guess I'll need to steel myself for a long roller coaster ride. I'm shouting in my head right now what you quoted above.
Yikes! My husband would have LOVED for me to make his decision for him like that. Then he could justify everything he'd been lying to everyone else and himself about.
Don't ask questions until you are ready for the answers.
Don't suggest he do anything unless you are prepared for him to do it and blame you for the consequences.
He doesn't know what he feels right now. I guarantee it. If you corner him he'll take the path of least resistance. Get a life for yourself. Hope for the best but prepare for that to not necessarily be what you hope it is right now. You have to detach and really evaluate if you want this because only when you give them the rope and they realize what they have to lose, will they do the work to save it and themselves.
There is no time line. What takes years for some WAS to get through-- anger, guilt, confusion, despair-- etc., takes others months. You can't control that, you can only slow down their progress by making them responsible for your happiness.
While we were first seperated, SB refused to even entertain the thought that he may actually love me and had made a mistake. He figured he must not love me if he could cheat on me and break our vows. Our vows were null and void. Our marriage was done.
Then I stopped asking. Then I stopped calling. Did 180's. I waited until I was ready for the answer before asking the questions. He had no idea if he could love me again, but we knew love was a decision so after seeing me, as I really was, instead of the harpy he'd turned me into in his mind (and to be honest, in some reality), he decided to give it a try. At first he had no memory of our past. It was so sad, and so frustrating and so scary. But you know, once he just made the decision and did the work--- getting rid of HER --- and as soon as he was comfortable that I accepted this on the terms that we'd see what was best for both of us and then decide if we want to stay together or not, the pressure was gone.
I swear it was like a veil lifted. He suddenly couldn't remember NOT loving me and is totally convinced he was insane. I NEVER brought up MLC to him, he, in so many words has described it. He's hit his knees, in tears, to thank God... and me for not giving up on him. Funny thing is, just 2 days ago he brought up some memories from our past that I'd forgotten about. Then he said, "See. I'm remembering now."
Do your thing. Make him do the work. Take space and time to figure out what YOU want. The distance between us probably sped up the whole process a bit. It also gave us both a reason to believe the A never would have happened had we not been apart. But if I'd have agreed one time when he told me to divorce him.... UGH. What a loss.
Sorry for the T/J. Sorry if I'm saying nothing new. You can slow down this ride and make it last longer though... I'm just sayin'
