why don't I listen to my own stories?

[Trixi]

I don't think I should imagine him going out on dates when he isn't with me. That sort of thing would just make me want to avoid him altogether.

I noticed that you said in your thread that you are going to make yourself so busy this weekend that there won't even be time to get eat together--why?

Oh- my H is here. Bye.

[NikB]

Agent99 - yeah, that's why I mentioned it may not work for you. It helped me detach a lot more when I realized that while H was moved out.

On your question about me and my weekend - several weekends in a row now have just been really frustrating. Friday nights had been our "date nights" so it was kind of assumed that we'd be doing something together even if we didn't plan what specifically. That was fine up until H became "unsure" again (which of course he didn't TELL me at the time, just started acting realy weird again). So the last few weekends we both get home Friday night, no specific plans, H resenting the fact that I'm 'expecting' us to do something together, me upset that H doesn't want to spend time with me... well, you can see how that makes for a crappy evening. So, no more. I'm not going to specifically avoid him, just make a lot more of my own plans to be out and doing things for fun. No more dinners out where H is "unsure" and I'm sitting there feeling unloved and unwanted.

Sunday night we do have a birthday dinner for me, SIL (his sister), and his grandfather over at his mom's house. So we'll be together for that. Although he is already acting pissy about that, like he doesn't want to go... so that should be really fun.

[Trixi]

What exactly is the 'plan' with him being 'unsure'? He lives there, right?
Yeah, I can see why you would want to keep yourself busy. How disappointing.

My H wanted to spend the night last night. (And did.)I was feeling distant because it was rumbling around in my head that "he's moved out""He left you" and was disgruntled over the sitch. Made it difficult for me to fully enjoy myself and to fall asleep. Oh well. I only have 2 more months of this before we "revisit" our "contract" and decide what to do.

I have yet to find out what is going on tonight or this weekend.

[NikB]

Yep, he lives here... not happily at the moment (just posted a longer update on my thread), but he's here. Plan??? Surely you're kidding... Seriously though, I have no idea what his plan is. Mine is to get through this with my sanity intact, keep working on me, and getting myself mentally to a point where I know I'll be ok with or without him (hopefully with, but only if he clearly wants that too). forever21 made a good point on my thread that sometimes people don't get the luxury of getting to that point mentally before the M ends and they're forced into it. I figure I'll make the best use of this time to try and move in that direction.

Sorry you were feeling kinda down and out last night. I know that feeling really well. It's tough because you want to enjoy the moment as much as possible but at the same time you've got all your own issues going on in your head. Hope you managed to get some decent sleep once you fell asleep.

[Dom R]

well hey there!

I was really torn about whether or not I should tell H. (He knew I had two classes this week.) I finally sent a text that said "Dang it! My cooking class for tomorrow night got cancelled-I'm so bummed!"...
But with him, I had to wonder if it was "ok". He just called a few minutes ago to say "Aww. your class got cancelled, huh? You were supposed to cook that for me. haha"

I think you did the right thing sending the text message.
Why? because he responded positively! He enjoyed sharing that part of your life.

on the "keep doing what works"... it seems like being open, conversational, and available with him, is working.
He's not dating anyone else, and he's spending positive time with you, and enjoying it. SO, I dont think it makes sense to suddenly play games about being hard-to-get or such nonsense now.

In a similar vein.. .maybe the dinner invite wasnt such a good idea, because he didnt respond positively. I guess the real proof will be whether he takes you up on it or not.

My own non-professional opinion, is that if you just Keep Doin What you're Doing over the next (2?) months, and having a positive time with him (including sex), that when it is time to "revisit your contract" as you put it... you will have made a great case for him to be ok with just moving back in.
You'll then have to decide whether he has been treating you nicely enough, to ALLOW him to move back in.

But keep this "under your hat", as they say, until it is around that time, i'd think.

[Trixi]

I think I need a Cyrano de Bergerac DB coach to hide behind the corners of my house. I say the dumbest things sometimes!

We were looking outside where there are lots of weeds growing where they ought not and he says "Wow. Lotsa weeds." I say "yeah, I did pull some yesterday" (and I point to the container holding the evidence.) Then he says "At least *you* have something to do here. There's nothing to do at the apartment. It's so boring!" (Here is where I could have used Cyrano) and I brilliantly (not) responded with "Nobody said you *have* to live in an apartment." He chuckles. (But it felt a bit like he also may have bristled.)

Then the following convo
Me "so, I shouldn't get dinner makings for two tonight?"
H "Naw. I have stuff I gotta get done."
Pause while he gets dressed (side note- interestingly, he had brought an overnight bag with clean clothes. When he left sunday it had dirty clothes. Someone must have been planning ahead.)

Me "Did you want to see me this weekend."
H "Maybe."
I give him an "excuse me??!" look.
H (smiling)"yes. I would like to see you at least one day."
Me "hmm..okay. I would like to know which day."
H "Oh. Why?"
Me "Because I would like to know so I can plan ahead."
H "Plan ahead what?"
Me "Just plan."
H "Well...I do want to work on the garage. And the yard needs work. We could work on the yard and that would be some time together."
Me "uuuh huuuh....." (Cuz I am thinking "Whoopdee Dooo-way to court and date me-NOT" But I was good and only thought it.)
H "Let's talk later about when exactly." I completely understood that he needed to get going, so I am not distressed about being put off with regard to this conversation.

So, there you have it.

[Dom R]

well, I personally think you did pretty good. reminding him he doesnt have to stay at the apartment.. was kinda called for. i think he actually nudged you into that one, and it was good that you responded that way.

The only thing that was not so great, was you mentioning "well we could work on the yard and that would be some time together".

I dont think he's looking to put in "hours together", even if you are Makes it sound like you have both agreed on a marital recovery plan already. oops.


Contrariwise, you MIGHT have asked...

"I plan to do some gardening this weekend. I could use a little help with it, if you wanted to help me out?"

[Trixi]

He was the one that mentioned doing the yard work together and that would be 'time together'.
Personally, I don't want to use up our limited time weeding.

[Dom R]

Oh, oOP!! sorrrrryyyy!!!!

well, then, actually, that's good i think!

I think you should be reaally happy that he wants to work on YOUR(2) yard together. that's a really good thing!!

consider this:
it has been said that women are all about their relationships, and men are all about their work.
If your husband is choosing to "work" on your family home... it shows that he truely values it at a personal level. This is really good!!

[Dom R]

(you are so lucky... you may be getting away with the lightest recovery from MLC ever on these boards... :P )