my crazy mess

[christarn]

Oh my latest news...the H text me last night, asking what I was going to do with the house that I bought...told him I was going to sell it...to which he responded he was going to sell his/our house...i asked why..said he couldn't afford it, but was waiting for us to make our decision before he made a final to decision as to selling. I told him the ball was in his court. He said you still want to work on things...I was like ya, hello!!...he said things are different now, you live 40 miles away, and it would be a lot of work...I said if it is in your heart anything is possible. He reminded me he couldn't afford to live alone, and that was really difficult for him right now, I replied I could help him gladly, but wanted to know if I was going to have a house to come home to...his next text was I think we need to talk in person soon. We are supposed to meet tomorrow and talk. I have a session set up with my DB coach first. To help me prepare. (back note, I asked him if he still had feelings because that would be core to us working on things...he said yes...but kept saying stuff is just way messed up now) any advice on how to approach him, that this is a workable situation would be much appreciated!! thanks

[Gone Dancin']

Too tired to really provide any good thoughts, but just wanted to say AWESOME!!!!!!!!!! I'm so pumped for you right now, christa! I'll be thinking about you and wishing you the best as you prepare for your talk with H.

Again, AWESOME!!!!

GD

[christarn]

I wish I could say no news is good news, but I can't...So I will just give an update. I have talked with the H twice since I last posted. The first talk went well or at least I thought so. I told him I thought we should try some type of counseling, he neither agreed nor disagreed ( my h, is very turtle paced and very middle of the road) I also told him gently that maybe it was time if we were seriously going to work on things that other outside relationships should end. To which his response was she would never walk out on him. He said part of him wanted to work on things and part of him was just scared to death that I would walk out on him again. I have no good response for that, only that my heart is in this marriage for the long run. So now I bring you to the latest talk which was yesterday, I spent 8 hours out at our farm. I recieved mixed signals from him. He did say it would be easier to get the D, to which I responded that wasn't what I wanted. He said he was just so scared of being hurt and getting back together and things not working again. He always brings up that we broke up way before we were engaged and now this and if history repeats I will leave again in another 5 years....I am at a loss right now. He said as of right now he couldn't say what he wanted to do, part of him wants to fight, and part of him doesn't. So...I said I didn't need an answer...that I understood, and I was scared to. The only reason I was wondering what was going on was he text me that he was going to be having a friend move in...and i replied where does that leave me and my hopes of moving home sometime? He replied you need to be sure that is what you want. So part of me felt that there was hope. Guess I need to learn not to get my hopes up. So I guess for now, I will continue on my rollar coaster. And hope that the part of him that wants to work on things will out weigh the part of him that doesn't.

[Gone Dancin']

He's deciding, christa, and that's a perfectly good place to be right now. It's much better than, "I want a D and don't have any feelings for you anymore," right? Give him the space and exercise sound judgement and patience (sounds like you're doing an excellent job of this!), and it will shift the odds much greater in your favor. The fact that he is explicitly telling you he's scared, doesn't want you to leave him again, etc, means that he wants you to know he is invested in the M still, yet wants to make sure you know what you need to do to reassure him things will be okay and that you'll be there for the long haul.

Keep doing what you're doing, christa -- you're going to bust this D!

GD

[christarn]

Thanks GD...I Truely needed some positive reinforcement...I'm so dang frustrated I could hardly stand it! Do you have any good ideas on how I can continue to show reassurance, besides being patient and doing what I am doing. I asked him about trying counceling and got a flat out no....I thought about writing some type of letter just to explain my feelings...but I don't know about that either. He said his parents told him to stay away from me...that I will just leave again (just fyi, his mom told me to leave him more than once!) I guess my frustration is just getting in the way of my patience...dang those feelings thanks again GD...needed the boost for my PMA!!! hope all is well in your neck of the woods!!

[christarn]

Just a little update, still nothing really going on. I am leaving for Ireland for 10 days tomorrow. I saw the H on Monday, no R talk, just "talking and BS." I had a session with DB coach also on monday, she said I should start implementing more of the LR technique. She says I am really getting no where fast with him, and he is just kind of enjoying having me to be at his beck and call. I feel stuck between a rock and hard place, as I know we all do. I feel that if I try to pull back it may back fire, but if I don't do anything I may be stuck in this rut forever. He is still seeing OW and me, which is driving me to insanity. This just sucks....

[thegoodfight]

Christarn,

I can completely empthaize with your sitch and I wish you sucess. I have taken this stance right, wrong or otherwise. I left, I came back, I shattered the security, the trust and left my vows at the table.

It is up to the WAS to earn that trust back, by showing honesity, sincerity, and patience. They may want us back, they may not. I believe it is up to the WAS to show the love and earn the respect and trust back. I made many mistakes, please learn from mine.

I came back and expected my W. to be on board right away. My W. found someone else to share her feelings with it wasn't me. It bothered me, it hurt. After about a week of self pity, I remembered how much I hurt her. Now I feel remorse and sadness for what I have done and what it may do to our future. I am not a doormat, I am not treated like one. My W. is not capabale of treating anyone like a doormat, no matter what they did.

I don't have a timetable, I don't pressure any decisions, I let her call the shots. Will I wait forever, I don't know. But she deserves time to figure it out. Your H. I suspect is not perfect, you guys had issues, but he did not check out on the marriage as far as I read. Give him time, pressuring will delay the process. He waffles because he wants to believe your words. But he is more interested in your actions. What have you done, not said, to show you are recommitted to your M.

More importantly what can you do, to show it. It may get results, it may not, either way if you don't show it, you probably won't get to where you need to be. By the way the LBS becomes the WAS when this happens, you have reversed roles. I don't know what he did when you left, but whatever he did it did not matter because you still left.

It is hard and it makes us crazy at times, but you messed it up, it is your job to start fixing it. Use this as motivation, don't let his lack of interest or indecision put you right back where you just came from. YOU have to hold the torch until he says I don't want it or lets hold it together.

My prayers and thoughts are with you.

[christarn]

Thanks TGF...needed some inspiration/motivation, some great thoughts....I will continue to hold the torch, as he had not said lets go forth with a D....I am hoping while I am in Ireland, he will maybe think of me, miss me...something...and I am looking forward to seeing him upon my return....thanks again

[thegoodfight]

You are welcome.

On another note, I agree I think if you pull away, you are asking for trouble, since you have been gone. Also I hope you plan on at least contacting him once or twice while you are gone. Enjoy the trip, I hope things get brighter when you get back. I will be watching, since your sitch is the closest to mine I have read in a while.

[christarn]

My DB coach said no contact and pull back...just out of curiosity, I am wondering why you say to call him...I would love to contact him, but I also don't want to be over bearing. In a general week we talk about once or twice and see each other about once every week or ten days...