However this washes out I know I tried. At least when it came down to my sanity or my M, I picked my sanity first and tried to work on our issues. If he wants to take a break because he needs to, I am just going to go with the flow and see where it takes us. Maybe the grass won't be greener for him, maybe it will.
I got my space, now he will get his. For me it isn't a power struggle or a control issue. Obviously for him it is. He balked at my suggestion that he keep seeing the C for IC sessions. He doesn't seem to get it that the things about him that pushed me away will probably push someone else away too. But thats not my problem he will have to learn this on his own. At least I am continuing with IC because I do not want to repeat what went wrong in my M in any future R's...Got to get that backbone and stop letting people walk all over me.
Me: 30 EX-H: 37 DD: 5 Separated 6/07. MC for months, EX-H quit MC. Divorce Final 8/14/08. Trying to move on with new life.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him think. It's a shame that your H isn't continuing IC; great that you are.
You remind me of what Swashy posted in that thread from a week or two ago, you're a budding success story because you identified and fixed (are fixing) things that you don't like about yourself, not necessarily because the M was saved or not.
Just curious, are you still open to working on the M if your H wakes up?
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
I am still open to working on the M. Thats why I am really leaning to telling the MC that we are stopping "for now". I don't want to close the door.
But like many of you one here who are moved out and facing a true separation and possible D there is that chance that one of us or both us will be moved on by the time the other decides its time for them to fix things.
H has made it clear he is looking to date other people. I am not going to sit home knitting while he is out and about. As my Dad would say, "Pull up your stockings and stop acting like a Nancy"...so I guess the boob shirts come out of retirement...the wedding bands hit the safety deposit box and see what happens. As he clearly stated to me last night, he is fully separated and intends to flaunt his status around town. He knows I am ashamed of this whole mess but right now I guess its time for me to face facts.
I know that might sound spiteful but if he really wants to get out there and find someone else then why should I sit home and fret about it? I have to deal with the fact that I was the one who was unhappy to begin with.
Me: 30 EX-H: 37 DD: 5 Separated 6/07. MC for months, EX-H quit MC. Divorce Final 8/14/08. Trying to move on with new life.
I understand were you are coming from. I finally had to take the ring off, I know most don't, but I finally realized that our R was dead. I'm open to a new one, but that M is gone.
The fact is your willing, if he isn't then he isn't. My WAW says there are too many issues and won't do anything to assist, so all I can do is hope and work on me. But the point is you are working on you, your heart is in it. The rings, the shirts, etc...are all just symbols of devotion. It isn't gone, you just don't need the reminder right now. It is true by the time he finds his you may have lost yours, that can happen, but don't let it hold you back.
WAW - I can only imagine how you must feel. I just worry that if you are truly hoping that things will work out in your M and if he says he is going to date then you go out and do the same out of spite that it will just continue to feed a bad situation. At this point you can't be sure what his true intentions are. I am sure he is hurt, confused, & angry. He may be thinking that is what he wants - but you don't actually know what he would do in that situation. I would suggest not to start dating out of spite, but to do it only when you are truly ready to let go of your M. If you do start to date, it just makes it easier for him to say "See, I knew she would...". Try and be the better person - at least for as long as you can while you are still trying to save the M. Just some thoughts...
I'm with you and Atlas on the ring thing. I just got to the point where it felt like a lie to wear it. Like Atlas said, the R is dead, long live the R (maybe).
Scary, isn't it? A little taste of freedom is nice, but it would be wonderful to have the S back. What if we move on? What if the feelings die? Guess we'll have to cross those bridges as we come to them. What if they come back and we've moved on? I'm sure I'll worry about these questions more and more when I'm fully in my new place, but I'll try not to.
Savings is right, don't date out of spite. That's not fair to you, your Husband/relationship, or the guy you're dating (unless he's just peeking down the boob shirt). I'm conflicted on this as well. If I do go on a date, will she think I'm done? What happens if I start having feelings for someone else? Egads, what if no one wants to go on a date with me? (quite possible, I'm fairly shy when meeting new people, especially women). I would dearly like to feel like someone was attracted to me though. It's been a while and I can see how Nomo was intoxicated by the interaction he described from last week.
Oh, well. Gotta prepare for a webinar. Hope I don't stutter or get tongue-tied on this one.
Question: Can you boob shirt in a bean town winter? Seems like the last place you'd want to get frostbite (well, maybe second to last place).
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
Just catching up on your sitch and I agree with the others that H is in reactive mode. I was right where he is right now. I did the best I could (at the time) to give her her space early on, and when I decided that I couldn't stand it anymore I got reactive and filed for D, became cold and distant, etc. I even went out on a few dinner/mini-golf dates just out of spite. Obviously, none of this worked the way I wanted it to (I wanted her to come back because I was now dictating the tempo -- didn't happen).
All of this happened pre-DBing and reading DR. I think these prior wrong moves more or less sealed the coffin for me. W saw me as still trying to control, dictate, etc, and whatever sliver of hope that was previously there disappeared.
My point is this: H isn't done -- not yet. Didn't he just get back from that trip and expect that you would want him back? That doesn't seem like someone who had made their decision to end the R/M to me. H is frustrated, and is grasping for control because he hasn't had any (in regard to the R/M) for sometime. Give him this space, and it will show him that he cannot get control by being reactive. He will eventually come to realize he is his own undoing, but like we've all worried, it may take him a while. He will need to hit rock bottom and give up his pride before he can make any much needed changes. Hopefully he will get there before you've moved on and the feelings have died.
Tell me why this wouldn't work for WAW1978 and all WAS's.
What is so wrong with her explaining to him that she wants to work on it, but his controling nature is what is the problem. He tries to control by being reactionary and instead of bringing his W closer to him he is pushing her away.
I'm guessing these things have been said and he refuses to listen. Maybe your approach can change, maybe and IC session for WAW were she explains her feelings to the C and asks the C to be a neutral third party and to speak with, privately, WAW's H.
I'm just trying to brainstorm ideas here. I know how I feel and I would do anything for my W, but apparently I'm not doing the right thing. If someone else came along with the 2x4 and straightened it out I'm sure the message would be received much easier without the preconceptions of the nagging or spiteful W.
I believe this issue, as well as others, have already been laid out there for H -- am I right on this, waw? If they haven't been, I strongly suggested that they be quite a while ago (I know that waw had made a list of these issues and was going to run them by the C a while back before addressing them with H, but don't recall what happened). I'm thinking that H continued to ignore all of these things that were brought to his attention (defense mechanism to protect his pride), and therefore bringing them up again would likely fall on deaf ears (esp if he is in reactive mode). He needs to make himself vulnerable before these issues can ever be constructively addressed.
Can you remind us what happened with this stuff, waw?
I believe this issue, as well as others, have already been laid out there for H -- am I right on this, waw? If they haven't been, I strongly suggested that they be quite a while ago (I know that waw had made a list of these issues and was going to run them by the C a while back before addressing them with H, but don't recall what happened). I'm thinking that H continued to ignore all of these things that were brought to his attention (defense mechanism to protect his pride), and therefore bringing them up again would likely fall on deaf ears (esp if he is in reactive mode). He needs to make himself vulnerable before these issues can ever be constructively addressed.
Can you remind us what happened with this stuff, waw?
