There and Back, #5

[nephartiti]

This is what I'm thinking...

Your H started persuing you. You ML a couple of times. You think OW didn't notice something was up? Maybe she realized her position isn't as safe as she thought? She's going to fight to keep her reality. The A doesn't just go away.

However, you still have the advantage. You have resources. You have DB, you have lots of support. You have the history with this man. I think someone else said, "You are the wonderful mother of his children."

I think he's going to go back and forth. He's going to hit confusion hard. Just hang in there and do what you do. It's not over yet.

In the meantime, as you always say, OUCH OUCH OUCH! This is a very hurtful circumstance. Take care of yourself. Pamper yourself a little. Play coy with the cell phone again. Get all dressed up and go out to dinner when he comes to get the kids, even if it's with your great aunt.


(((HUGS)))

[SallyM]

mk, like you going dark, I felt pretty good, or at least okay, until he started pursuing again and I felt myself slip into hopefulness. even though I kept saying I knew it wasn't real, I think I took it all way too seriously.

my therapist and I talked about things yesterday. I had taken a couple of weeks off so the last she had heard from me was when H wanted to take the kids to the beachhouse with ow. big change. lol. anyway, I think I know what is/was going on with him...just a co-dependent panic attack, really, with so much being shaken up in his life with the new job, he needed to feel like I was still there, at least a bit.

she has this theory about circles. if you picture a full, complete circle, that would be a person who is fully developed/no real issues. people who have certain parts of them that were never developed properly due to whatever reason, are incomplete circles. it takes real work to complete your own circle, to make up for the things that were lacking. what most people do, however, is fill the circles with other things...with shopping, or jobs, or people, or eating disorders, drug/alcohol addiction. something feels lacking, so they pick whatever feels right to try to complete their circle, but every one of these things will fail over time because they aren't real...they are simply filler.

H and I are both pretty classic incomplete circles, who used each other to fill up our own circles. classic co-dependent relationship. yes, love, definintely love, but very co-dependent. what my therapy is doing for me is to help me close my own circle (god, how psycho-babble does this all sound? lol, I promise, it makes sense, though, or at least it does to me). I've been doing good, I have, just still have a ways to go.

H, on the other hand, has done no work on himself, and still has a big gaping hole in his circle. he's tried to fill it with stuff...with OW, with the new job, with other things, and partly still, with me. but over time those things will not satisfy, because again, nothing can close his own circle but himself.

what therapist and I talked about yesterday was about how his circle felt a little emptier because of the mistake the new job was, added to the fact that I was becoming more and more detached (yes, ow is part of his circle, but I've still been a part of it, too). so he scrambled, we think, to try to keep me in my section of the incomplete part.

are you following me?

makes sense to me. and makes sense why things changed once again. could be, yeah, OW sensed something and panicked herself (a VERY incomplete circle, that one) and fought for her (my) man. or maybe h just felt like he had where he needed me to be again, and was able to relax again, feeling like his circle was once more complete (even if it isn't really).

[SallyM]

neph, the one good thing is that I am pretty busy. even have a hot night out on saturday planned. okay, its with a girlfriend, but will be a lot of fun.

just not sure how I should be with h. continue to detach, but also slightly flirty? or just detach/go dark (or grey, since we do have kid-contact).

[SallyM]

breathing in, breathing out, breathing in, breathing out. having a hard time shaking the vegas thing from my mind. trying every mantra that has worked in the past, and still, wow, the visions that are playing in my head.

[LL44]

Of course you are having a hard time shaking Vegas. Its basically a vacation. I threw up when I found out H and OW were at the darn park for 1 hour. I feel for you.

I don't know about dark, or flirty. Can you be both? I wonder.....

[S_O_T_S]

Hi morgan.

A couple things:

breathing in, breathing out, breathing in, breathing out. having a hard time shaking the vegas thing from my mind.

1) Keep breathing slowly and deeply; don't know if you're prone to anxiety attacks, but if you are doing this will help.

2) Stop at each step of this whole Vegas trip and OJECTIVELY assess the following:

What are the true facts here?

What gaps am I filling in?

What assumptions am I making when I fill in those gaps?

Is there a possibility that the assumptions are wrong?

Is there a possibility that my perceptions of the facts are wrong?

Remember the whiskey bottle/stuff? What happened there?

3) If this is failing, force yourself to do something active that will be a distraction (a good workout usually helps, but anything to take your mind off of things)

Lastly, one of the things my gang used to do was give live phone
support during times like this...

If you'd be interested, I'll send you an email at the address you've got listed in your profile?

I think, though, if you focus on #2...

That might actually put a mental image in your head about how much of this is guesswork (the literal interpretation of the sentence above this) and how much is real...

Take care,

[SallyM]

thanks lwb and S_O_T_S

I am not prone to anxiety attacks, but I do trend toward co-dependent panic attacks where he is concerned, which is what this is. hey, at least I recognize it. I can breathe, but it feels like I can't catch a breath a bit, even though the reality is I am okay (at least breathing wise). not like I need intervention or anything. the first few weeks after the bomb were really awful, because the whole time I felt like this. now I just do from time to time. it sucks, but I know what it is, so that, somehow, makes it better. to go back to the circle analogy, I feel like I've lost some more of the filler and I'm panicking because of it. but the reality, and I do know this, is that the filler isn't real, anyway, and i need to keep focusing on myself and filling it in myself.

in the meantime, I just finished my ab tape and tae bo. hey, at least by the time my damn circle is finished, I'll look smokin' hot, right? lol. oh, alright, maybe not quite that good, but better. I feel a little better. hey, it beats crying in the corner and eating a bowl full of cookie dough, right?

as for whether these are assumptions or not, there is a small bit of assumption going on, but not so much like the whiskey bottle. this has my gut involved. the whiskey didn't make sense to me, it was counter-intuitive, but this, well, my gut tells me its so, and whenever I've known for sure in my gut like this, I've been right. but hey, I suppose since some of it is assumption/speculation, I could always pretend he's going out to work in a soup kitchen instead of what I think he's really doing, right?

[S_O_T_S]

Hi morgan. Quoting you in bold, as always.

i need to keep focusing on myself and filling it in myself.

Because that's all you can control here. Pretty sure you know this, but just forget.

I feel a little better.

Did it work to take your mind off of things, if only for a little while?

hey, it beats crying in the corner and eating a bowl full of cookie dough, right?

Not sure you'll convince me of the truth on that one.

well, my gut tells me its so, and whenever I've known for sure in my gut like this, I've been right.

Fair enough. So your gut is right? Then what?

I could always pretend he's going out to work in a soup kitchen instead of what I think he's really doing, right?

If your gut is right, AND the very first line I quoted is also true, then what needs to happen?

Know the serenity prayer?

Take care,

[SallyM]

thanks, sots. the control thing is so hard, isn't it? at least it is for me. and i don't consider myself a control freak by any means. still, I have a hard time with letting go of what i have no control over.

I do know the serenity prayer...think I need to write it out and stick it where I can see it often.

off to read stories to the twins. thanks for the support.

[LL44]

"hey, it beats crying in the corner and eating a bowl full of cookie dough, right?

Not sure you'll convince me of the truth on that one."


I think its a fine balance. First comes the corner cookie dough incident, then eventually we pick ourselves up, huh?

Tell TaeBo Billy I said hi. I haven't seen him in awhile. lol