I haven't written in quite a long time... I guess I wanted to make sure this was real. Waiting for the "honeymoon" phase to end and see if we weather "normal". Whatever that is. :-)
The honeymoon isn't over, but I'm writing this morning because about 5:00am, my husband gathered me into his arms and snuggled me close to him to say "Happy Anniversary Baby..." and just under a year ago, I thought I'd NEVER hear those words again.
The house up north still hasn't sold... but we quit letting life get in the way and moved down to be with him. S16 is in his new school, and, though we had to take him kicking and screaming to registration and there are no hockey teams down here, surprisingly enough, he has survived!
Divorce Busting works. I'm a different person who learned how to listen and validate. I became strong and GAL'ed myself to NOT need him, Genuinely, before I even saw him after D-day.
He was 1300 miles away. He had moved in with OW. He said he wasn't in love with me. I came to this site with no hope at all that I could get him to see a change in me or the woman he fell in love with 20 years ago while he was so far away and so messed up.
He was in complete denial. He had convinced himself that he had made his choice and had to live with it. He was wrong ;-)
Since initially showing up at his job site back in March (and invading his "comfort zone"-- poor baby), we started talking daily, taking baby steps, to get us back together as he promised that weekend. We spent thousands going back and forth across country for visits and S16 and I moved into his (our) new place at the end of July.
At first I found myself checking his phone. I got a little obsessed with reading a rediculous web site where OW spend hours whining about accepting crumbs while reassuring each other that it's really THEM that the MM wants, but EVERY one of them stays for the children! I'm ashamed to admit the obsession, but I guess I was looking for her, to see what she was thinking... how she had the audacity to tell me that I was the one invading her serenity when I called my husband at the apartment one evening (kid related). Now I get it. I haven't checked his phone in weeks. She was a kleenex. She has been disposed of. Snooping is bad. It hurt him to know I didn't trust him and I had to explain that I just never, ever thought him capable of cheating on me before and I lost some confidence in my ability to see reality.
We have moments when hard questions come up. One day I just had to know what color her eyes were (they are a different color than mine). Stupid stuff. We get through it and he answers all my questions.
He is oblivious. To him she is nothing. Just a mistake. He'll be nonchalantly explaining the injustice down here he has seen involving people getting FEMA money that live on welfare and never lost a thing and cavalierly throw her name into conversations. I feel that's good... but sometimes just look at him incredulously and shake my head. If I were him I wouldn't bring that woman's name up... lol, but he is hiding nothing.
We are past the phase where he cries and thanks me every day for not giving up on him, but this is good. We plan to never take each other for granted again.
I need to start reading here again. I don't want to get back into the same patterns that got me where I was and want to keep the changes in myself permanent. I have a long way to go as far as keeping my own life. I left my friends and family, home and job up north and have to make a new life here. It's challenging to keep separate and exciting when we have to share a car because mine won't be brought down until the house sells.
Sharing hobbies and finding new things that become "OURS" has been the key. We've been planting gardens and bird watching so I buy us books on the local flora and fauna to share. For an anniversary present I gave him an anthology of all the new music we've been listening to together. We are going to take Swing lessons. We have started camping again. I'm rooting for the hometown football team along with him... he's taking me to the city and we're seeing a show at Harrah's. I've stopped worrying every single second he doesn't have a smile on his face.
I have a lot of catching up to do with a lot of your sitchs-- I just wanted to spread a little hope this morning. Thank you to all who were rooting for us... and who got to the end of this update. Thank you Michelle, for your books, your work, and this site. Hang in there Piecers--- you're going to be all right and most WAS want to be happy with the life they put all those hopes and dreams into long ago.
