I know this may be premature but need advice

[cat03]

we are on the exact, same, excrutiating pain (go to my thread and read the replies I got when I also was reminded by my H that he has no feelings for me now and that I dont' think he loves me)

I intended to reply to an earlier email you had about how if she doesn't love you you just couldn't go on.

Love is a decision, remember? it is brought on by will. We are not talkign about the rainbows and hearts feelings we all go through when we are dating/newlyweds. We are talking about true seasoned love that happens when the romantic love fades and you are left with the decision of loving this person even though they have faults and they do things you dont' like.

I had just brought up that subject with my C yesterday. My H told me he has feelings for her that hope they'll go away, right now it is very hard and specially difficult since he deceived her and she apparently has low self steem and other personal problems and he feels guilty. My C told me this "he was in love with the 'idea' of the thrill of a new person, the freedom and carefree feelings that come with a R that carries no responsibilities. You represent reality, and he is having a hard time going back to that". "The commitment is what holds a M together, feeligns come and go".
Does it hurt not feel loved right now? yes. But I must look ahead and know that, as my dear Whapu put it, my H wants ME to be the ONLY one in his life, he is here, with me, despite the major screw ups, and wants us to work. You and I must remember that when you feel your heart is being shredded to pieces.

==============
Keeps saying that she wants to find the In Love feeling and doesn't think that it should be so much work.
==============
Again, she is idealizing what love is, she prob thinks of the sparks that an illicit R brings, which is not fair to compare to a settled down, gentle love one has during a M. The day I found out my H was having the A I asked him why he run to her for sex if I practically begged to be with him and was always available. He said "I didnt' feel we had chemistry" that hurt like hell for a while. But now I see it as what it was, just a the thrill of a secret uncommited R.

===========
. I'm having a hard time dealing with this.
===========
What helps me lots, lots, is the "not just friends" book, it gives you coping suggestions and will let you see beyond this hurt you see now. Hang in there friend, I know it hurts, but it isn't hopeless.