Went to IC last night (what is it with Tuesdays, anyway?)

I had had a great day at work, only to come home to a terrible phone call--bff down the street called to tell me that her mother was dying.

She has been sick with lung cancer, but even up to the day before, the doctors had been telling everyone that she was going to make it, that the cancer was contained and that an operation to remove the tumors would be successful. Then they did a scan. The tumors had taken over, and pnuemonia has set in. She is on a respirator, and the prognosis has changed completely. My friend is devestated.

I went down to her house right away, told them that I would be there in whatever way they might need, even coming over to listen for the kids if they had to go back to the hospital suddenly.

Seems that she had spoken to H earlier in the day, and she didn't understand why I hadn't called her (he had called her to check in; we used to all be friends).

After I sent them back to the hospital and took her son home with me, I got on the phone with H. I don't think I have ever been so angry.

Did I have expectations? Yes. I even found out that he had time to call the CW with the news (she baked cookies and brownies, which bff threw out), but couldn't take the time to make sure that I had heard. I let him have it, all of it. So much of my anger about this, and all that he has done and become, came out.

We hung up on each other a few times (after one of which I smashed my phone against the tree and broke it); in the end, he ended up apologizing for being such a cold, heartless bastard. I got more justifications and excuses.

And of course, the damn conversation went right back again to how he doesn't love me anymore, is not coming home, and is in love with her. Please, don't ask me how it goes there, as I really don't even know anymore. He wants to "salvage what is left," be friends and calm his guilt. Tough sh!t.

I was late to IC. We went through it all again. And the realization that we might really be over is starting to settle in. The thought scares the hell out of me, and makes me have such a profound feeling of sadness, disappointment and hopelessness.

I have to get to work; will try to write again later.