Lots of positives man, great! Love reading the advice you've gotten. I'm a long way from ever being here, but I'm like Jesse Jackson -- keep hope alive!
For some perspective on where you are, read your last thread. From 9-2 to today is more than 8 days of living.
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
Here's a question for anyone out there reading this thread...
One of the strategies I've used to get to this point is disconnecting and not pressuring. For example - no phone calls and no emails except when necessary.
On the road to recovery, at what point do you think it is wise / beneficial to start back with the occasional contact during the day. Seems like this is a necessary exchange for a healthy relationship, but not sure at what point to start doing this again. I feel as though this was something that I did wrong before the bomb (little contact during the day) and want to fix that.
I don't see anything with occasional contact during the day. My M right now is in pieces, but I still chit chat with my H over txt messages, trying to build a connection (barely if any R talk, specially at work).
That's awesome that you will be going to Retrouville! wish I could do that, with my H's schedule is imposible; dont' read too much into little things (her not replying fast enough) Focus on the positives.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Start slowly and see what her reaction is (like once during the day) then take it from there. It will be enough that she knows you care but not pursuing.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
That's awesome that you will be going to Retrouville! wish I could do that, with my H's schedule is imposible; dont' read too much into little things (her not replying fast enough) Focus on the positives.
I always seem to read into the little things especially when it takes 3 hrs to reply to one of my emails. Oh well.
So we go to JC last night. Not the most positive experience. C asks how things are going since my W didn't go to the last. I say things are good... better?... improving? I kept downgrading because of the funny looks my W was giving me. So she asks how things have gone for the past several weeks. I let W do most of the talking. Interesting to hear her perspective on things. She even mentioned that she thought I had been manipulative of her feelings when I told her the one day that I was tired of the limbo and that she should file. C recommended several books for us to read. One of them was "Getting the Love you Want" I think.
One thing I would like some feedback on from folks here... The C asked my W if she had been IL with the OG. W said Yes. C asked if W was still IL with OG. W said that she still has very strong feelings for him.
I knew the answer to this deep down, but to hear my W say that was devastating and hurtful. Is it right for the C to be asking this type of question in a JC session or should this be limited to IC??
We got home and had a talk in the car and before bed. She told the OG yesterday that she needed to stop talking / seeing him. Seems like she is very torn with her decision and confused right now. Is not sure that coming back to us and working on the R is the right thing. Keeps saying that she wants to find the In Love feeling and doesn't think that it should be so much work. I'm realizing that piecing is going to be very difficult and I'm not liking it. When things first started happening, there was no positive feedback from W, so it was easier to learn to deal with that. Now I get positive messages one day and negative the next. I'm having a hard time dealing with this.
we are on the exact, same, excrutiating pain (go to my thread and read the replies I got when I also was reminded by my H that he has no feelings for me now and that I dont' think he loves me)
I intended to reply to an earlier email you had about how if she doesn't love you you just couldn't go on.
Love is a decision, remember? it is brought on by will. We are not talkign about the rainbows and hearts feelings we all go through when we are dating/newlyweds. We are talking about true seasoned love that happens when the romantic love fades and you are left with the decision of loving this person even though they have faults and they do things you dont' like.
I had just brought up that subject with my C yesterday. My H told me he has feelings for her that hope they'll go away, right now it is very hard and specially difficult since he deceived her and she apparently has low self steem and other personal problems and he feels guilty. My C told me this "he was in love with the 'idea' of the thrill of a new person, the freedom and carefree feelings that come with a R that carries no responsibilities. You represent reality, and he is having a hard time going back to that". "The commitment is what holds a M together, feeligns come and go". Does it hurt not feel loved right now? yes. But I must look ahead and know that, as my dear Whapu put it, my H wants ME to be the ONLY one in his life, he is here, with me, despite the major screw ups, and wants us to work. You and I must remember that when you feel your heart is being shredded to pieces.
============== Keeps saying that she wants to find the In Love feeling and doesn't think that it should be so much work. ============== Again, she is idealizing what love is, she prob thinks of the sparks that an illicit R brings, which is not fair to compare to a settled down, gentle love one has during a M. The day I found out my H was having the A I asked him why he run to her for sex if I practically begged to be with him and was always available. He said "I didnt' feel we had chemistry" that hurt like hell for a while. But now I see it as what it was, just a the thrill of a secret uncommited R.
=========== . I'm having a hard time dealing with this. =========== What helps me lots, lots, is the "not just friends" book, it gives you coping suggestions and will let you see beyond this hurt you see now. Hang in there friend, I know it hurts, but it isn't hopeless.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
What helps me lots, lots, is the "not just friends" book, it gives you coping suggestions and will let you see beyond this hurt you see now. Hang in there friend, I know it hurts, but it isn't hopeless.
I just started looking at this book again last night. I can't read the first half of the book, but I flipped back to Chapter 7 where it starts talking about recovery. I do think there is some good info there. I'll need to take time to read it more carefully.
I did, he went through it, and for some strange reason he marked the part about separating as a way to heal, I did ask him about that but he clarified he wasn't thinking of actual separation but of me giving him "emotional" space. Didn't say much, but that doesn't mean he didnt' find helpful info there.
Yea, i skipped to the chapters about recovery too. Glad you got it
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
we are on the exact, same, excrutiating pain (go to my thread and read the replies I got when I also was reminded by my H that he has no feelings for me now and that I dont' think he loves me)
Cat, I've looked at some of your posts. You post so much advice on here, but I can't seem to find your own thread. Would like to take a look.
