mk, how odd is this. I was so tired this afternoon that I put winnie the pooh on the tv downstairs for the kids and hauled myself up to my room to just lay down for a bit. I turned on the tv and Love Actually was on. cut up, with commercials, but it was on. and it was the scene where emma thompson realizes her H is having an affair. omg, the woman deserved an oscar. she did. what an amazing job she did with that. I'll never look at that scene again without knowing how she feels. and the joni mitchell song in the background...normally not a huge fan, but wow. her confrontation with her H was very much like mine with my h (although mine was at 4am, and my h wasn't nearly as remorseful).
tonight was tough. I'm just emotional, but (guys, plug your ears) I'm so damned pms-y I know it is likely partly due to that, too. I got myself together and was my normal self around H while he was here...did take myself upstairs for a while. no, he did not try anything. In fact (and I know I shouldn't speculate) I have a feeling whatever was going on with OW has now been fixed. he barely even looked at me. not even a minor flirt. vegas did come up (he brought it up), and its all BS...he's going with her. sort of work related, there is a meeting there that week, but he's got to go over the weekend to (insert b-s reason here). whatever.
I knew it would be like this. I knew I was reading too much into what amounted to so little. but I didn't let it show...just seemed normal. was happy that everything seemed fine here...the house looked good, great, in fact. but really, he walked into the home he helped create and in the end he couldn't wait to leave, once the kids were tucked in. he doesn't see the warmth, the effort...me. he just sees a place (and a person) that he wants to leave. he sees a life he chose once, but has since rejected.
don't mind me, folks, just feeling lonely tonight. tired of being lonely. still counting my blessings, don't get me wrong, I am. and I'll be out of this funk tomorrow. tonight, though, I'm going to have a good cry.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Oh morgan, sorry about my previous post, I think we co-posted.
HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS
I have no words to make you feel better, but maybe its good to grieve tonight. A trip away with OW is a lot to grasp, its going to hurt. Hopefully you can feel better by tomorrow. Sigh...tomorrow...its hard to face sometimes, huh?
You're right, he doesn't see any of it. I am just so sorry.
thanks, lwb, I did miss your post (we must have posted at the same time).
tomorrow will be easier, its tonight that is hard. but not a bad thing, to cry, once in a while anyway.
I'm sorry for all of it, I am, I'm sad and hurt and feel rejected all over again. but I knew it...I knew even as things were happening with us that it was all smoke and no substance. I guess it doesn't take much for me to believe in the illusion. wonder if that will fade in time?
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
ever get a song in your head that you just can't get out? I've got one going that just won't leave. it just seems to fit...may not be winter, but damn, is it cold here sometimes. wish we could all take off and have some boat drinks on st. somewhere. cheers.
Boat drinks. Boys in the band ordered boat drinks. Visitors just scored on the home rink. Everything seems to be wrong.
Lately, newspaper mentioned cheap airfare. I've got to fly to Saint Somewhere. I'm close to bodily harm.
[Chorus:] Twenty degrees and the hockey games on. Nobody cares; they are way too far gone, screamin' "Boat drinks," somethin' to keep them all warm. This morning I shot six holes in my freezer. I think I got cabin fever. Somebody sound the alarm. I'd like to go where the pace or life's slow. Could you beam me somewhere, Mister Scott? Any old place here on Earth or in space. You pick the century and I'll pick the spot.
I know I should be leaving this climate. I got a verse but can't rhyme it. I gotta go where it's warm.
Boat drinks. Waitress, I need two more boat drinks. Then I'm headin south 'fore my dream shrinks. I gotta where it's warm.
I gotta go where it's warm. I gotta go where it's warm. I gotta go where there ain't any snow, where there ain't any blow, 'cause my fin sinks so low. I gotta go where it's warm.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
I just listened to Jimmy B on the iPod today (Boat Drinks included). H and I added our songs on the iPod together and some I can't listen to. They aren't even romantic, just too hard for me to mess with. But Jimmy I can do anytime.
"I'm sorry for all of it, I am, I'm sad and hurt and feel rejected all over again. but I knew it...I knew even as things were happening with us that it was all smoke and no substance. I guess it doesn't take much for me to believe in the illusion. wonder if that will fade in time?"
lwb, I listen to way too much buffet right now because the kids are addicted to him. somehow boat drinks just stuck around in my head today and in a way, it fits. I think I need to get a good ding rate and take off to florida to visit my friend. just need to float in her pool and gab and drink pitchers of sangria.
of course, a trip to st. somewhere sounds really good, too. imagine that...someplace warm and sunny with waves and no problems to deal with, at least for a while. sigh.
I think I need a little tlc.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
"I think I need to get a good ding rate and take off to florida to visit my friend. just need to float in her pool and gab and drink pitchers of sangria."
DO IT. And do it now. H is taking off to Vegas, so you go fly to St. Somewhere. Book a date with him to take the kids, and just say (I think you did this with the DB meeting), I am planning a trip (not where!) and need to lock some dates down. I am thinking after DB meeting, before Thanksgiving. DO IT!
I still haven't said anything to h about the db meet, or needing him to watch the kids. the reason being, he has the kids over the weekends...if there is any deviation, he needs to address it. so if he suddenly says he has to go somewhere or is busy that weekend, he'll need to find the sitter (okay, he'll need to ask his mom).
at least that's my plan.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
That is a great song. The mood fits me perfectly right now. I also went to the dentist. Are we seperated at birth?
I am not PMS ing though. I joked in MC that if I ever took my H back that one stipulation would be sex four times per week and he checks into a hotel the 6,7, 8th of each month because of PMS! I am nice the rest of the month!
I know this sounds horrible horrible Morgan. But I do not really obsess over some of the sex stuff regarding the OW or candles or trips but you know what I do obsess over? The menstrual cycle. I feel like that is such an intimate part of a relationship. My H and I did not even live together the first year we were engaged because of our colleges were about 100 miles apart. I cannot believe he cohabitated directly from our marriage with a practical stranger and it sickens me that he knows her cycle since it has been a few months. That is real intimacy, not just dating. I know I warned you I was going to be gross. That is a huge trigger because when you are married you expect to share your life completely and safely, flaws and all.
The thought of someone having a fantasy is one thing but reality is another. Now I am depressed. Damn, and I am not even PMSy.
Morgan, This may be small consolation, but after I went dark, I found peace in knowing that I was no longer responsible in providing my H any emotional support. He would have to get it all from his transitional friends and OW. I know this has had a real negative impact on their R and circumstance. It is a risk because my children are now detaching and perhaps it will make their (H and OW) island more isolated, but that is no longer my place so I kind of don't care. Going Dark onto Plan B is painful but it is also keeping me from getting hurt. I do not suggest it to you, though. I am just saying that his R might get really strained. It is not all wine and roses having an affair. he is having an affair. That is clandestine and disturbing not liberating and safe like a happy marriage.
Last edited by mkultra; 09/12/0705:40 AM.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
