I LOVE living alone

[inspiredjulie]

F21... I love ya so much! Thanks for always being there for me! I am so lucky. You're a rock, you're wonderful, you're the best. Have a wonderful weekend! Love you!

[Trip]

I own that movie that Kim07 is talking to you about. Hilarious!

[forever21]

Good morning.

HS.... did you miss my response to you in my first email last night? Anyway, thanks for your support as always!

Jules... thank you, sweetie! Ditto.

Have a nice Friday all!

[forever21]

Hey Trip! Good to know... I will definitely get ahold of a copy.

[forever21]

Hi all. Happy Saturday.

Wanted to leave an update since I decided to make a move with my sitch last night.

Well, I had seen enough over the last couple weeks to know that my H's actions were really just more of the same.

There are many positives happening... in fact, I had a C appt yesterday and was happy to learn he thought I was doing a REALLY great job and that I am not doing more of the same (even though I might feel like it sometimes). He pointed out that the big difference is... in the past (prior to this last year), I wasn't only working on myself but also trying to fix our M and hoping my H would change... and this time around, I am truly focusing on myself and what I can control... and I'm becoming very strong because of it. I am only gaining from all this, since my H is such good practice for me... I HAVE to be strong at boundary-setting, standing up for myself, and such.

But, my eyes are open. The signs were everywhere that H is back to his struggling ways, and is not being honest or respectful. Important point is, he's not taking action that would demonstrate he is serious about reconciling.

Stepping back and just accepting this "for now" while giving him the option to hang out with me at his next convenience, hasn't gotten me anywhere in the past. I don't want him in my life as long as he is incapable of being honest with me. Why build any sort of friendship without respect and honesty?

So, I decided I was done. Didn't see any other option. If anyone has any other ideas, please feel free to throw them at me.

I know I probably reacted a little by not giving myself at least a full day to think about this, but I'm very comfortable with what I've done.

So, what I did was text that to him... that i was done, and that I really hoped we could be friendly about this. I then left him a voicemail so he could hear my voice and know I wasn't angry, that it was just the point I reached. It would've been nice to tell him this myself in convo but I will have my chance to.

I didn't mention D. I know I am just DONE... at least with the BS, though I'm not sure he needs to know I'm anything but plain done. Wondering if when I do end up talking with him I should let him know that it IS because of his actions (both what he's doing and what he didn't do).?????

He called me back around midnight, and I let it go to voicemail. He left two messages, both of them with anger. I haven't felt any need to return a call to him based on those, and I haven't heard anything from him today. I'll post his voicemails on their own post, since this is already getting so long.

[forever21]

First one (a few hours after I had left the voicemail for him) was short...

Well, I guess I'd call you cuz I just got your message and everything, umm, but I guess you don't want to take my call or whatever. But, you're done huh?(started getting angry here, and only got worse) Okay, great, wtf-ever. Thanks! Yeah, we'll be fine, we'll be friendly. Alright, bye.

He called back, starting out nice but not able to sustain that for long........

Hey Xx. Hey, I'm sorry, I don't mean to get testy. I totally understand. But if you're done... all that sh^t blah blah blah (yes, he said blah blah blah)... but, maybe you can f'n... figure out what you're doing and... and uh........ yeah, whatever. Ya know, I was gonna be pissed, say pack your sh^t up then, cuz I'm gonna move in the house then, cuz I want my own f'n place, but... that was just me gettin pissed for a second cuz...
whatever.... nevermind, just... fine, whatever. You're done, do what ya gotta do. F***, whatever. You got the paperwork, we'll go to court. Whatever, wtf-ever. Whatever.
What the h***, I guess I got enough sh^t on my plate might as well throw that on there too, and uh....it's not really the scenario I was looking for in the long run, but yeah.... I f'd around long enough I guess, so yeah I understand.
Yeah, we're done.
F it.... I'll talk to you on a limited basis. I won't consider you the friend I thought you were, and umm, yeah, we'll do it like that. Whatever.
Thanks for being my friend through like this hard time, and uh... I do appreciate it. (was actually fairly nice with that, but right back to being a jerk) It's not exactly what I was looking for, but alright, whatever, I'll just have to f'n deal with it, wtf-ever. Yeah. Take care. Hope your life's good... Hope you... uhhh, are doing good. Bye.

It was actually very helpful to me to get those messages from him, as I was fighting anxiety before them. I was still up much of the night, but I got some laughs and I felt more and more at ease with my decision.

[sofaraway]

So, I decided I was done. Didn't see any other option. If anyone has any other ideas, please feel free to throw them at me.

J, this part hurts, no matter where you are and how strong you feel. It hurts to know that what you thought you would be doing, you will not.

This is the most sound decision that you have made. He has not changed, no matter how badly you wanted him to, he just hasn't.

There comes a point in time when you realize that you need to have the necessary closure to move on with your life. You need to be able to look back and know you gave it your all so that you can get on with things and open up that door that you have had closed for so long now.

His messages, well, I am honest abe so I will simply say it. They cracked me up. It's funny as hell to me that he used the old "I have so much on my plate right now" crap on you of all people. With how full your plate has been over the last year he had the balls to say this to you.

Bottom line J, you are going to be fine. You are a smart, funny, attractive, and wonderful woman who will have no problem on her own.

Understand that amicable may not end up working out. He is a child and will react as a child would, he already has started. Your offering to be amicable is good enough, you have put that ball in his court so it is up to him whether you stay that way or not.

Do not tolerate his bad behavior anymore, he is no more than a friend now so try and remember what you would accept from one of your friends. If he is insulting or condescending to you, send him on his merry way.

You are now in control and dictate the relationship and how it remains, not him.

It sounds odd to say it J, but I am very happy for you that you have gotten to this place now and can be happy moving forward with your life.

To be honest, I had told Jules that after reading your prior post to this about the surfing, I was fixing to lay into you if that didn't open your eyes. It obviously did so no lecture necessary.

Keep up the great work J. Remember that you are stronger than you think you are.


Ian

[forever21]

Hi Ian!

I feel like we are celebrating here in a way. I know it sounds odd too, but I feel good about myself and my decision. Really good. Even despite being tired as ever right now. It's Saturday night and I'm in for the night. Pizza's in the oven and just cracked a honey brown lager.

Thank you! Nice that you see it as I do.

Yeah, I guess it hurts some... but it's crazy, because I'm not real sad. I've had my moments, like earlier this evening when the tiredness was really hitting me and I felt sad and like I could just cry. I was feeling some of the sadness then, for sure, but I was tired. I guess I haven't let myself shed tears over him much lately. It is nice to be past that stage where you just hurt so much and are so disappointed. I am not feeling that way now, I guess because it's not surprising at this point. I have already mourned this R... and boy, do I ever know that I have. Years of disappointment and hurt. I think I had just already moved on emotionally, and am pretty much over him. I've kept my mind open to giving him another chance, but didn't hold my breath.

There comes a point in time when you realize that you need to have the necessary closure to move on with your life. You need to be able to look back and know you gave it your all so that you can get on with things and open up that door that you have had closed for so long now.

Yep, true. What you said here reminds me of a convo my C and I had yesterday. He said this is exactly what I was doing for myself... doing everything I could so that I could look back with no regrets. And I commented to him that I was in fact feeling really ready to date. He said something about guys knocking down my door, that I'm a real catch... I said "yeah, except for the fact that I'm married," lol. He said "details". lol.

His messages, well, I am honest abe so I will simply say it. They cracked me up. It's funny as hell to me that he used the old "I have so much on my plate right now" crap on you of all people. With how full your plate has been over the last year he had the balls to say this to you.

Yeah, don't ya just love what he says? He was trying to work all the angles. Poor me. Fine, you won't get to be my friend anymore. This isn't what *I* wanted. Etc. Well, I'm pretty sure this isn't what he wanted. He wanted me to always be here waiting for him, while he was off f'ing around. HA.

Bottom line J, you are going to be fine. You are a smart, funny, attractive, and wonderful woman who will have no problem on her own.

Thank you! I know I will be just fine. Actually, I think I'm gonna be GREAT.

Understand that amicable may not end up working out. He is a child and will react as a child would, he already has started. Your offering to be amicable is good enough, you have put that ball in his court so it is up to him whether you stay that way or not.

I know. I have no expectations for him.

Do not tolerate his bad behavior anymore, he is no more than a friend now so try and remember what you would accept from one of your friends. If he is insulting or condescending to you, send him on his merry way.

No worries here. Thanks for watching out for me.

To be honest, I had told Jules that after reading your prior post to this about the surfing, I was fixing to lay into you if that didn't open your eyes. It obviously did so no lecture necessary

I'm so glad to hear that, because I may've needed it.

I think I'm pretty strong. Thanks again!

[forever21]

Happy Sunday, all.

Hope you're having a super nice day with your DD, HS. Thank you very much for your post!

One of the things that I noticed about you right off in Denver was that you expect to be treated a certain way and will not accept less from others. It wasn't anything you said or did, it was just how you carried yourself. I'm glad to see it's carrying over to him too.

I have worked really hard to get where I am, but I'm enjoying it. Communication/interaction with others is one of those areas that I learned I needed to work on more intensely to get to where I want to be. I knew right away last year that I wanted to truly change the dynamics of our R this time around. These sitches create a great opportunity for working on this, not just with our S but everyone around us. I guess because the challenge is greater and we very much need more respect or whatever it might be at times like this, so that helps provide the motivation. These boards are just really great for that too. It's all good practice. DB everyone, right?

I don't think anyone can say you didn't try.

This is something I brought up to my C on Friday. I tend to always find more I can do, and was concerned about doing that forever. I asked him if I was just crazy to still be working at this... knowing what I'd be getting into if I were to reconcile with my H. He said sure, but that wasn't a bad thing. That you need to know you did everything you could, and went on to remind me that I'm not doing more of the same this time. Also, that it's a win-win... I'm continuing to grow and get stronger, and my H is benefiting because he's getting to grow too.

So, here I am... thinking/seeing there is more I can do. Crazy, but in a good way. SURE glad I had that convo with my doc yesterday. I play devils' advocate in my head a lot. I think that's good when it comes to things like M. I'm not a quitter, and I like to look for solutions. That's certainly a strength of mine, and I'm proud to be this strong.

I'm realizing that this may just be what my I needed to do to send a clear message that I am done with lies and disrespect, and ready to be wooed. We will see very soon.

His messages made me crack up too. They sounded like the high school jock trying to bully the head cheerleader into staying with him. They lacked any maturity whatsoever. As for what's on his plate, it's all helpings he served himself.

I know. It's sad. I agree... he's not talking me into feeling like I'm serving him up anything he didn't beg for. Things aren't going the way he wanted. Time to grow up or lose your wife, buddy.

I know most of us LBS here needed the bombs to be dropped to help us start our real changes. People can certainly change, but we need serious motivation to make them in big and lasting ways. My H said he regretted not using the opportunity to do that when I left him in 2003, so we'll see what he does this time. If you believe that past behavior is the best prediction for future behavior though, the odds are against him.

Maybe this was how clear I had to be, and I'm doing him and our M a favor. Maybe he was just doing what he knew, and thinking (well, not really a whole lot of thinking going on there, but you know what I mean) he might be able to get away with more (testing, in a way), since I hadn't alienated him after I caught him being evasive. It's tough. I didn't feel the need to be that hard, as I didn't take it personally and I thought he was trying. I guess I'm still too much of a softy.

And now . . ..

. . . How YOU doin'?

I'm doing really good. Well, great actually! Thanks for asking!

Hope you're all having an awesome weekend!

[forever21]

Okay, here's where I'm at now. I think I'll give my H a return call and wondering if my plan sounds good or not.

I chose not to follow up with him since his angry VMs Friday, as I didn't see a need. He called this afternoon and left another message. I missed his call, but he was much less angry today. This is what he said....

So, I guess, uhh... [big sigh] I wanted to call. I've been trying not to call, but, I just uhh, I don't know, [sigh] I guess you're just done, huh? That's it? You don't want to.. wanna call me back, nothing? You're just done and that's that? Well, [sigh] alright, I guess we're gonna have to figure some sh^t out then, huh? [nervous laugh, smiling, friendly..] Well, we're gonna have to figure some sh^t out anyhow no matter what, but I guess that's just the road we'll go down then. K, whatever. I'll talk to you I guess whenever you feel it's necessary.

Pretty impressive that he managed to keep a respectful tone throughout the call.

Not that it's necessarily relevant, but I had another dream about him again last night. Kinda strange, and it came to mind just now. Last week I had one where I felt a real attraction to him and we kissed passionately in the dream. It was especially weird because I hadn't felt that way with him for what seems like, ever. In last night's he had come back to me, and we were really passionate with one another. There was a strong attraction for both of us and he seemed different in a good way, though the way he was living his life was still not yet completely attractive to me. Weird.

Back to the issue at hand....

Plan...
Give him a quick call back. Say.. "Hi H, sorry I missed your call, just getting back to you. I only have a sec... Yes, I am done, and I will get in touch with you soon so we can hopefully figure some stuff out together."

I'm not always good at being prepared for everything. I imagine he might say this isn't what he wanted.... to which I can say it's not what I wanted either, and then say I have to go. Let's see... what else could he bring up?... that he wants to move into the house, or something like that... No. Just a simple no, without being defensive. That's probably a good response to many things he might try to bring up, I'm guessing.