Then how could you say in your previous post that you have never seen someone who is differentiated??
I’ve never met anyone who could truly stay unmeshed with an intimate partner. In everyday life this might be possible. But that isn’t usually when differentiation is needed. During high stress everyone reacts.
Actually the process of being a differentiated person should be seen in all relationships - work, friends, family and spouses. The people that I think are differentiated are that way in general and not according to specific situations. The people that I see that are enmeshed/fused types are that way in most of their relationships.
Sorry, I don’t buy this at all. I think you are referring more to everyday, low stress situation. During those times, almost everyone except the most extreme cases appears differentiated. The real test is during stress, which is the whole reason Schnarch came up with the idea of differentiation, for the stressful times when the most damage can be made to a marriage.
My personal belief about differentiation is that it is about the person and not the relationship. If you are differentiated, then a relationship cannot "make" you fused.
Just turn up the heat enough and you can get almost anyone to fuse.
That is interesting and I would be curious to hear more about how your characterize your friendships and why it seems so much easier for you to be differentiated in friendships and why you see it as healthy for your friendships but not for your marriage.
I have no idea why you find this strange. I am not intimately involved with my friends. I don’t have sex with them, I don’t devote myself to them or depend on them for my daily affairs or to plan my future. I really don’t know where you’re coming from.
Do you mean that it is impossible to give to another person without any expectation FROM ANOTHER PERSON?
For a certain period of time (that varies from person to person and situation to situation) I think it is easy to give without expecting something in return, especially when it concerns kids. But kids must be excluded from a discussion of intimate relationships. So in a marriage, if one person feels s/he is doing all the giving and getting nothing back in return. It is guaranteed that there will be a rise in resentment and anger. If you don’t believe this, then ask everyone of this board.
I'm just trying to point out an opportunity for you. She obviously, to me, has a need to talk with you and yet that need is something you judge as problematic - too annoying, too gossipy, not useful, etc.
I think she has a need to talk. She would like to talk with me some amount, which I do. So will also talk plenty to others, actually, anyone who will stand still long enough. I have no responsibility to fill this need for her. I talk with her enough to give her some satisfaction, and myself too, to coordinate our activities, stay in touch with events, etc. I do not have any obligation to help her need for her excess talk. She can go to her girl friends for that.
Her decision to continue to talk to you even when you are obviously put off by her shows how much she values talking to you.
It is I who has pressured her to increase our level of communication over the past year. When she gets mad, she goes into her shell. That means she prefers not to talk, which leads to estrangement, less connection, the whole nine yards. But that does not mean I want to go from no talking to constant talking. A nice, “normal” amount of communication will do fine.
The disconnect for me is that you say you want your wife to need you and that you want to provide for that need ….
No, that is not what I said. I do not want to provide for her need. I want to provide for HER. I want her to in turn appreciate my providing for HER. I want to be appreciated as the provider, the “knight in shining armor.” I want her appreciation of me to be as the princess. Her needs may be completely different.
YET when she vocalizes a need (such as talking about work albeit in a way you don't like) you choose to not provide for that need.
Quit putting words in my mouth. I do listen to her about her work. I prefer not to, but I do. I will talk with her for 15-30 minutes at times, but I have little interest when she starts going on and on about one subject after another with little purpose other than to talk. That activity is for her girlfriends who enjoy doing the same thing.
So it appears to me that you have a need to be needed in a way that you choose??
What’s wrong with that? It is my need, something I decide I want. Why would I want to be needed in a way I don’t choose?
