mk, how odd is this. I was so tired this afternoon that I put winnie the pooh on the tv downstairs for the kids and hauled myself up to my room to just lay down for a bit. I turned on the tv and Love Actually was on. cut up, with commercials, but it was on. and it was the scene where emma thompson realizes her H is having an affair. omg, the woman deserved an oscar. she did. what an amazing job she did with that. I'll never look at that scene again without knowing how she feels. and the joni mitchell song in the background...normally not a huge fan, but wow. her confrontation with her H was very much like mine with my h (although mine was at 4am, and my h wasn't nearly as remorseful).
tonight was tough. I'm just emotional, but (guys, plug your ears) I'm so damned pms-y I know it is likely partly due to that, too. I got myself together and was my normal self around H while he was here...did take myself upstairs for a while. no, he did not try anything. In fact (and I know I shouldn't speculate) I have a feeling whatever was going on with OW has now been fixed. he barely even looked at me. not even a minor flirt. vegas did come up (he brought it up), and its all BS...he's going with her. sort of work related, there is a meeting there that week, but he's got to go over the weekend to (insert b-s reason here). whatever.
I knew it would be like this. I knew I was reading too much into what amounted to so little. but I didn't let it show...just seemed normal. was happy that everything seemed fine here...the house looked good, great, in fact. but really, he walked into the home he helped create and in the end he couldn't wait to leave, once the kids were tucked in. he doesn't see the warmth, the effort...me. he just sees a place (and a person) that he wants to leave. he sees a life he chose once, but has since rejected.
don't mind me, folks, just feeling lonely tonight. tired of being lonely. still counting my blessings, don't get me wrong, I am. and I'll be out of this funk tomorrow. tonight, though, I'm going to have a good cry.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
