For Newbies...and others. Look at this list not as something your MLCer may someday admit...that may or may not happen. Instead look at it as what many MLCers are expereincing whether they seem it or admit it or not.
MLCers may tell us one thing...in-love with OW, happy, it's our fault. But I blieve the truth for many is in this list
Quote:
the affair was not done with malice and intent to hurt
the affair was not about the ow
no wall would have been able to stop him
he was retreating from reality and escaping.
he needed an escape
he did not understand his state of mind
he "snapped"
he is often caught with his mind drifting..."How the hell did I get here? What have I done to my life? Why did I do this?"
so much guilt...not knowing how to deal with it now.
Quote:
I see a tiny speck of light way ahead in the distance and I know it's out there. I'm trying to figure out how to get out of this hole. I'm not ready to cry out for help yet; I think I can scale my way out on my own. That might be part of my personality, though; trying to do it with no help. But I want you to know, I am at the bottom now, and it's lonely down here. When all is said and done, I am alone
I have seen him reach out like this before. And he reaches to you as his light.
If you let it, that will be a great burden on you. Try not to let that happen. You can choose to be that light or not...but the idea is that your light or a new light will reflect back his onw light--then he will know he too is light and Hope.
SO he may try to get outon his own. And that is what needs to be done. If he leaned on aynone else to pull him out he would never really get out...he would always think he had not been strong enough and thus still was not strong enough...he would feel dependent on others. You are not his solution.
BUT what I hope he learns is that receiving help is not the same as having your problems solved by another. We all need each other for love and support.
Quote:
"I am depressed. I am sure I probably do need help." I told him that I hoped he would seek it. -I'm not sure why he said this, but he commented, "It's like we could say, 'Let's get back together' but...there is no baseline. There isn't."
At Rock Bottom it is too dark to see if ther eis a baseline or foundation. And perhaps there is no baseline. And perhaps you will not choose to take him back if the chance arises. BUT if it does, draw a new line--isn't that what will happen with someone else?
Quote:
He said, "You are a much better person than I am, and you deserve better than me."
I get this too. Some say it, but I believe it is common for many whether they say it or not. And in reality, there are no better people...
We are all AMAZING, but no one is more amazing than another.
He does not feel worthy of you. Think about what that says about his view if His Self?
Quote:
When we talked about moving on, he said it did make him sad that after all we went through that someone else would get to be with me and benefit from being with me.
I feel this is because the choice is yours. He is not ready to be in a marital relationship with you at this moment. BUT given the choice of a a future partner, I feel he wnats it to be you--and that is now.
IT may or may not work, but I feel it is his dream.
Quote:
He "felt sorry" for the ow's child and she didn't have a father, and he wanted to help.
KTAS: The Knight in Tarnished Armour Syndrome But they don't know the armour is tarnished. They also forgot they were no longer a Knight but rather a King.
Quote:
there would be "pockets of reality" and he would say to himself, "What the hell am I doing? I don't want to be with her. Why am I doing this?" and then he would come around the house and log in a "drop in" (my words). But that he would be faced with reality and feel the urge to run and hide again...so off he would go. This cycled many, many times
This is a good way of explaining it--cycling et al. Some may behave differently to those pockets...but they have them.
Quote:
When I talked about how I did not understand how he felt she was better for him, or why he was attracted to her and not me, he told me it wasn't about that at all; that even during this, he still loved me, but he had a lot of anger and was not dealing with stress in the right way, so he escaped via her.
Quote:
My FIL is pissing me off, because H told me that he had talked to his dad at one point, but his answer to him was, "I can't really help you with this.", meaning what he has done to his life and our marriage (because FIL did the same thing many years ago). But, I mean, way to go on helping your own SON during his lowest point in life. This made me feel like H is lost with no one to help him or support him. Yes, he created this mess but if a person is mentally ill and not "all there" and doing things that conflict with his personality, how much do you excuse?
I don't know the tone in which your FIL said this.
Perhaps it was a callous you've made your bed... But instead maybe he was saying it from a point of empathic understanding. Having been through it, he knows that it can only be resolved by the MLCer and not an external person. We are all our own saviour. Your MLCer recognizes this...though I hope he is not too stubborn (you used the word stong, I use stubborn) to except help...saviours have helpers. You know your FIL and we do not. Did he mean he is not willing to save or not willing to help?
Quote:
I have honestly felt like it's my duty to not move on because this happened to him under duress. Even though he wouldn't say it, I feel obligated to wait even though nothing is guaranteed
Quote:
I know you [Snodderly] were not suggesting I sit and wait; didn't mean to imply that at all. I just wanted to express that I do not wish to live the rest of my life alone, on the off-chance that H maybe gets his act together and grows up years from now.
But Hope, that is what I feel implied over and over again...you talk about moving on versus not moving on...We ALL need to move on. I moved on while Standing. It meant I Got A Life. For me it meant I was Standing and thus no dating...You can move on and Stand; you can move on and Not Stand. You can move on and Not Stand, close the door...BUT reopen it later. You can sort of Stand...you can choose not to date until you are ready, and at that time he may or may not be ready...maybe later when he is ready, you will still be available--or available again. Standing isn't still and being a Stander is not a requirement for later reconciliation!
Quote:
I don't know if I could ever get past it now (the affair).
Whether you think you can or you think you can't... ISn't it interesting...the MLCers refuse m,arriage counseling inthe beginning because they lack the faith that anyone can help them. Counselors are professionals, trained and expereinced in just these problems. I know it feels like you cannot get past the affair...and you may be right. But I feel you can choose to move past it...and one way to do this is to seek professional help. You may need to do that whether a return occurs or not...but if the two of you someday decide to TRY...a counselor cna help you work through these things...it's their job!
Quote:
How is it that he did this to our marriage, and I end up feeling guilty?
Because you feel his pain...it goes back to the duress you talked about. Sinec he was under duress, the last two years should somehow not count.
But this crisis is not something you can forget. You have been in pain too. I know you feel guilty. But I wish you did not. Knowing this is not your fault doesn't magically vanish your guilt. That takes time.
Just keep working on yourself and finding your joy. You are a beautiful person.
RCR - a great post - my therapist who is basically trained in TA, although he uses a variety of methods, echoed a number of things you said - they are the wounded child who has to (re) grow into the man or woman on their own. If they return as the wounded child we become the parent.
He also said there are pockets of reality when they try and return, or 'restore normality' before they are through the crisis. I think it also explains reconnection, when they go around trying to put the broken jigsaw of their life back into a new pattern, and fitting the LBS is the final thing. With touch and goes they seem to try with the spouse first, and then fit the other bits around them, and this doesn't work.
We can't be the light that rescues them, but the light that shines for them. There is a difference, and it is important.
Thanks for all of the well wishes. They mean a lot.
Things are ok. I still have my down days and they come out of left field. Like yesterday. I just broke down and had a good cry. I know inside that my H wishes he could take back all the terrible things that he did and said, but reality tells him it would never work between us. I think a part of me feels the same way, but I'm still sad.
I did speak to him earlier this week. He's still a negative person. What I mean is, he's always sounding down or p*ssed off. Never upbeat or happy whatsoever. Complains about everything. Still isn't eating properly and still feels sick most of the time, from what he says.
Next week he closes on the house so that will also be lost. I know it's weighing on my mind a lot. It was the first home we ever owned and it was adorable. After moving around so often due to his careers, I was so pleased to have a home base of our own. To think of someone else there doesn't seem right. And believe me, they are getting a prize; we put a lot into that place.
I'll share something interesting. I recently found a printed out email from H that dates back 2 years ago. This was when he was still with ow, and he'd been living away from home for a few months. The email was about how he did not wish to lie about his "relationship" with her anymore, and he talked alot about his feelings, etc. to me. I should be fair and tell you, he did not blame me nor did he say ow was better than me; in fact he made it a point to say she wasn't better---just different. Well, it struck me that I needed H to read it for himself because he had told me last weekend that he does not recall how he felt or what he said back then; that he was in a very different state of mind. I want him to take a look at himself. I'm sure there will be those who would advise me not to do this, but my inner voice said to send it. I attached a note saying I'd found this and though he should read it to see what was happening between us back then. He may never mention it to me, or he might. If he does, I will update.
I'm keeping myself busy and things are good. But yes, I still get sad. I don't like it, but it happens. I know I have to eventually tell myself, "enough" and stop letting this eat away at me. I'm trying.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Thank you Lis. Can't wait to chat. Puppy and kitty are doing fine. They provide lots of company. However, sometimes I sit here with them, and it's us 3, and only one person is missing...and it is so obvious that we're almost all back together...sigh.
I do think the house being sold next week is what is stirring up a lot of sadness for me right now. I'm just letting it happen. God's plan wins out in the end, whatever it may be.
I'm just spending a quiet evening at home. Rough work week, and now a storm coming our way. A cozy night inside is fine.
Oh...and I fixed myself a chocolate martini.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
