MTN - It is after 11:00 and after my bedtime, but I haven't check on your thread in a couple of days. I'm sitting here laughing at the dressing room incident - thankfully the cashier said something so you weren't going around the mall in a "new fashion statement".
Congrats on your new job and your successful first day! You are not a geek - I would have done the same thing (have everything ready to go the night before)!
Thanks to you (and the post from always), I can now go to bed with a smile on my face. Thanks for the inspirational (and humorous) writing!!
Glad I can give you some comic relief! That is what I am here for!
All is well here in MTN. My project for the day is to gather clothes I have never worn or slightly worn and auction them off on eBay. I offered my son 20% of the profits if he does it all. Takes the pics, downloads them. and watches the bidding. I will come up with the low bidding price and we will go from there. He even has to come up with the shipping rates. He seems REALLY excited about this as he received a MAC laptop from his Disney Dad for his bday..:)
I have clothes that still have tags on them in my closet..not many but pretty decent dresses, etc., that I can make a couple bucks selling. I will used the dough and put it towards work clothes..
New Guy here last night..The one thing I like about the upcoming fall is that we are all bunkered in earlier so we hang out at night more. In the summer we are all over the place so the family time starts with the kids again which is nice..
Haven't heard hide nor hair from XH which has been nice. So funny..three years ago I used to wait with baited breath to get any kind of signal, phone call, email from him..Now when I see his number on caller ID I am like, "ugh..what now?" Isn't that terrible?
He called the kids last night to announce he got cable..He has had an apt for a year and a half and just recently purchased furniture..He was living with NONE and the kids used to have to watch DVD movies on the floor for entertainment. So funny..The kids are excited to have furniture and cable at their dads..As for me..the kids only get excited if I have umteen million kids here for pizza forget that I have had couches and cable for their entire life...lol
These MLCers get congratulated for doing the most normal of things..He has been so wacked that we are all surprised when he says thank you if you give him something or is pleasant on the phone..geez..talk about zero expectations..
I have decided that taking the kids out of the country is out of the questions so that is that. It is in our agreement that each parent shall provide the other with detailed info about trips they want to take the kids on..period..no it's not about control..it's about freakin' parenting 101.
Okay..my room looks like laundry baskets threw up so I have to go put all my clothes away..Then, I am off to the gym and my T for my three month tune-up!
What kind of clothes are you getting rid of? Nothing you can wear to work? I have been trying to find things to wear - I put my jeans on for the first time since last fall and I can't wear them. You know...the MLC LBS diet....
Quote:
So funny..The kids are excited to have furniture and cable at their dads..As for me..the kids only get excited if I have umteen million kids here for pizza forget that I have had couches and cable for their entire life...lol
These MLCers get congratulated for doing the most normal of things...
I posted a while ago that my D was so excited that my H brought up the garbage cans once. I was gently reminded (thanks, Lissie and Pilar) that my kids need to see the good in their dad because they feel abandoned and hurt - and this is their way of dealing with it. I was also reminded that I am their mother and no one will ever be able to replace me - yes, I get to be the homework nag, the activities driver, the disciplinarian, the laundress, and all of the other "fun" jobs. But I also get to tuck them in at night, and see, talk and hug them most every day.
I know these kids still need a hero in their eyes. At least something to hold onto that their dad has some postiive attributes. Believe me, I know.
My XH has done everything to me in the book but I always give him kudos to his face and the kids when he is doing positive things. In fact, just the other day he left me a schedule concerning his business trips and his visitation with the kids in the mailbox. Although I wanted to bonk him on the head with it as he conveniently scheduled them overlapping his time with the kids, I called to thank him for giving me a heads up.
As for the furniture, funny, I think he got it because I was so into it. Told him how much the kids love seeing him and how great it would be come winter time they can be all cozy and bunker in "dad's" house instead of trudging around to the movies, etc.
The clothes I am getting rid of are a little dated but cute. Two wrap dresses I bought at Limited Express (blue and black) that still have tags on them. I few shirts that no longer fit me as I lost weight and gained it all back in the chest, too!! So, some of them couldn't button. When I went through my MLC diet I lost twenty pounds and got down to 115. I looked terrible since I am 5'7". Now I am back to normal and working out so I feel pretty good..
Maybe we should come up with an MLC exchange instead of Ebay? Since so many of us are yoyo dieting we can just swap our designer digs..would't that be fun"?
My son is all excited to try to sell this stuff as he has a job now. My mom wants him to do that too and if he plays his cards right, he can make some serious dough.
Had a good T appt as we discussed my business ventures. He was so intrigued by my business plan as to being a life coach for kids he wants to refer me through his practice!!
Well, have to go now..I still have a terrible sinus infection and I need to lie down for a few..Then it's homemade ziti, garlic bread and salad for our cozy sit down dinner..just me and the kids which should be nice..
I plan on retiring at 9 to watch a corny lifetime movie..thatis so much fun for me..have my jammies on, the clicker to myself, have the kids all snug in the beds and the house quiet..ahh..heaven..
Have a great day, W8ing and the rest of the MLC family
I cannot lick this sinus thing..I feel like Felix Unger for the Odd Couple making weird noises so I can breathe through my nose! I do think this is my weakness, though..You know, when you are stressed? My sinus' are always a mess when I am stressed..
I have been on such a momentum rush for so long..Now, when I slow down, I feel strange. Maybe I am addicted to keeping busy, kind of like a workaholic. I was never, ever like that before and I saw my T the other day and we addressed it.
Seems like I was told for so long how lazy and stupid I was that I am on a quest to prove differently, I guess. My T told me I haven't really mourned the end of my M. I did most of my legal work, went back to school, worked full time student teaching all the whille studying for the state exam in Secondary English and writing papers..I was moving so fast that I didn't have time to be sad.
Well, today I was sad. Not crazy sad. But sad. New Guy was here and I realize that I have been so restless lately and it has been fired in his direction. I guess I was picking on him so he would leave me alone. I guess I am used to that since XH left me alone.
I didn't realize I was doing that until New Guy seemed to have had it. He is the nicest guy in the world and is very proactive when I am in a "funk". He simply listens to me and asks if he can help. This time, he said he was not happy about being the target when he was trying to help.
I realize I do this as a defense mechanism. Also, I admit it. I am mourning my M and having New Guy around seems strange when I feel that way. I almost feel guilty having those thoughts when he is in the house. But, today I told him. We sat on the front porch and i told him I didn't know what was wrong. I said when I slow down, I am depressed. It's so much easier running.
I said to him I am so tired of trying to do it all. Graduating from grad school, keeping the kids safe and sound, teaching at the college level for the first time and trying to start a new business. On one hand, I feel great when I am lost in these responsibilites, but I am exhausted and if I keep up this pace, I am going to crash and burn.
So what the heck do I do?
My T told me that he is in awe concerning all I have done. However, he sees me going at a fast pace and asked me if I was taking care of myself..You know, sleeping enough, eating right..And I haven't been sleeping well lately at all.
I realize that I need to make peace with my D to move forward. And, I am doing that, I think. But this is a process.
I have been seeing alot of XH lately since he has been taking the kids more. I hear now he wants to move back to town and was all "googly" last night over a woman he and the kids saw at another booth eating at a restaurant. My S says to me today, she looked just like you.
I think I am bitter..finally. I wasn't too bitter during all of this since I thought he was such a putz. However, when I see moments of clarity or that soft look in XH's eyes when we talk, I get mad. Like..WTF? Was it all worth it"? ARe u happy u left me out to the curb and treated me like sh**? I don't like being angry..I hate it..I have buried this for so long since I always said I didn't want to be one of those XW's that is bitter and can't move on.
He wrecked a family and now regrets it. Well, good for him but too much has happened. Is it bad for me to say I am still pissed about it!
New Guy is wonderful. He is not a bandaid since I find it easier not to date than to date..so the band aid for me is running to my house when I feel vulnerable..my room..just running..I am not running to New Guy ever when I feel sad, mad, confused..I admit it ..I am a runner..Never was with my XH but if I feel that I need a breather in a conversation with NEw Guy, I tell him I need to think. He understands, thank God.
I have been running lately and today I told him why. He was great. He used the analogy that you feel like you are in the middle of the ocean paddling in a raft alone. You are tired of paddling..You are tired of being alone..And you are pissed about it..He said that is so normal.
Then, he said to me, " he was the coast guard just waiting for the S.O.S. and he would be there..I told him I didn't need to be rescued..I just needed him to paddle for a while.
He said that is why I am here and kissed my forehead.
I am trying to slow down a bit more but I do need to stop being like Rocky.
Reflecting is what I do best and it is so very important to use this opportunity to assess where I have been, how I got here and where I want to go. I just have to stop trying to control everything.
When your life is so out of your control for so long it is TERRIFYING putting the car on cruise control.
I hope this all made sense as I needed to sort out my thoughts.
As for XH, I look at him and I am not attracted anymore. I am not in love with him anymore. I am nothing when I see him except regreat that he couldn't be the person I thought he was. I wish I had the M that could have been saved. I really do. But it was impossible as I see we had no foundation to stand on. I stand for M but not an R that strips you of your self worth.
As for New Guy, he isn't going anywhere as he told me today. He said if I need space, he understands but he is in this for the long haul. He said whatever it takes, I am here to work on this R.
I cannot lick this sinus thing..I feel like Felix Unger for the Odd Couple making weird noises so I can breathe through my nose! I do think this is my weakness, though..You know, when you are stressed? My sinus' are always a mess when I am stressed..
I have been on such a momentum rush for so long..Now, when I slow down, I feel strange. Maybe I am addicted to keeping busy, kind of like a workaholic. I was never, ever like that before and I saw my T the other day and we addressed it.
Seems like I was told for so long how lazy and stupid I was that I am on a quest to prove differently, I guess. My T told me I haven't really mourned the end of my M. I did most of my legal work, went back to school, worked full time student teaching all the whille studying for the state exam in Secondary English and writing papers..I was moving so fast that I didn't have time to be sad.
Well, today I was sad. Not crazy sad. But sad. New Guy was here and I realize that I have been so restless lately and it has been fired in his direction. I guess I was picking on him so he would leave me alone. I guess I am used to that since XH left me alone.
I didn't realize I was doing that until New Guy seemed to have had it. He is the nicest guy in the world and is very proactive when I am in a "funk". He simply listens to me and asks if he can help. This time, he said he was not happy about being the target when he was trying to help.
I realize I do this as a defense mechanism. Also, I admit it. I am mourning my M and having New Guy around seems strange when I feel that way. I almost feel guilty having those thoughts when he is in the house. But, today I told him. We sat on the front porch and i told him I didn't know what was wrong. I said when I slow down, I am depressed. It's so much easier running.
I said to him I am so tired of trying to do it all. Graduating from grad school, keeping the kids safe and sound, teaching at the college level for the first time and trying to start a new business. On one hand, I feel great when I am lost in these responsibilites, but I am exhausted and if I keep up this pace, I am going to crash and burn.
So what the heck do I do?
My T told me that he is in awe concerning all I have done. However, he sees me going at a fast pace and asked me if I was taking care of myself..You know, sleeping enough, eating right..And I haven't been sleeping well lately at all.
I realize that I need to make peace with my D to move forward. And, I am doing that, I think. But this is a process.
I have been seeing alot of XH lately since he has been taking the kids more. I hear now he wants to move back to town and was all "googly" last night over a woman he and the kids saw at another booth eating at a restaurant. My S says to me today, she looked just like you.
I think I am bitter..finally. I wasn't too bitter during all of this since I thought he was such a putz. However, when I see moments of clarity or that soft look in XH's eyes when we talk, I get mad. Like..WTF? Was it all worth it"? ARe u happy u left me out to the curb and treated me like sh**? I don't like being angry..I hate it..I have buried this for so long since I always said I didn't want to be one of those XW's that is bitter and can't move on.
He wrecked a family and now regrets it. Well, good for him but too much has happened. Is it bad for me to say I am still pissed about it!
New Guy is wonderful. He is not a bandaid since I find it easier not to date than to date..so the band aid for me is running to my house when I feel vulnerable..my room..just running..I am not running to New Guy ever when I feel sad, mad, confused..I admit it ..I am a runner..Never was with my XH but if I feel that I need a breather in a conversation with NEw Guy, I tell him I need to think. He understands, thank God.
I have been running lately and today I told him why. He was great. He used the analogy that you feel like you are in the middle of the ocean paddling in a raft alone. You are tired of paddling..You are tired of being alone..And you are pissed about it..He said that is so normal.
Then, he said to me, " he was the coast guard just waiting for the S.O.S. and he would be there..I told him I didn't need to be rescued..I just needed him to paddle for a while.
He said that is why I am here and kissed my forehead.
I am trying to slow down a bit more but I do need to stop being like Rocky.
Reflecting is what I do best and it is so very important to use this opportunity to assess where I have been, how I got here and where I want to go. I just have to stop trying to control everything.
When your life is so out of your control for so long it is TERRIFYING putting the car on cruise control.
I hope this all made sense as I needed to sort out my thoughts.
As for XH, I look at him and I am not attracted anymore. I am not in love with him anymore. I am nothing when I see him except regreat that he couldn't be the person I thought he was. I wish I had the M that could have been saved. I really do. But it was impossible as I see we had no foundation to stand on. I stand for M but not an R that strips you of your self worth.
As for New Guy, he isn't going anywhere as he told me today. He said if I need space, he understands but he is in this for the long haul. He said whatever it takes, I am here to work on this R.
I just dropped in to see if any old friends were still posting and found your thread.
You have always been so full of life and determination not to let the MLC monster beat you, so it was a little surprising to find you in a more sombre mood. And then I thought to myself, why is it surprising? Doh, Jaybee.
You have worked your socks off to get where you are today and maybe you are just exhausted, not only physically, but mentally and emotionally. Now that you have achieved your goals, that exhaustion can finally express itself perhaps.
So just be good to yourself for a while, cut yourself a little slack, and have a rest!
And if that doesn't do the trick, maybe visit the doc?
I'm so glad you have a good T and a wonderful man in NG.
FWIW, I still get occasional times of sadness and small bursts of anger towards my xh too.
I tell myself, that's ok Jaybee, you are a human being, not a saint!
With love
Jaybee xxxx
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
FWIW, I still get occasional times of sadness and small bursts of anger towards my xh too.
I tell myself, that's ok Jaybee, you are a human being, not a saint!
If that isn't the truth!!
((JAYBEE!!))
How wonderful it was to see your post!!
How are YOU????
I think being sick had basically exhaustd me so I was less tolerant than usually. I am feeling better as New Guy has taken good care of me as well..(Now, I am not used to ANYONE doing that!!))
Xh is still in la la land. He is nice, though, which I am happy about. He has been spending alot of time one on one with the kids and I don't remember the last time OW was in the car when he picked up the kids, so that has been great for them.
I love my teaching job. Teaching at the collegiate level is quite challenging but rewarding. THe kids are there because they WANT to be there so that has been nice.
Nice and cozy day in NJ as it is raining. Good day to declutter and get ready for winter!
Getting too busy can be a distraction that's easy to become addicted to. Things have been different w/ your H now and it's natural that you need to process them regardless of the fact that you're no longer interested in being w/ him. I think your T sounds good and knows you have to take a breather and just feel your way thru this on your own terms. Your bod seems to be telling you the same. You will be fine. Just remember to breathe.
In the meantime, congrats on the new job, Professor P!
Did I understand right that your H is involved with OW but was still "googly" over a different one at a restaurant?
I don't think it is bad at all that you say you are pissed about what he has done. Even now...even after the D. It doesn't mean that you haven't let go, or that you aren't over him....it just means that you are feeling a logical emotion over his illogical actions.
Quote:
Then, he said to me, " he was the coast guard just waiting for the S.O.S. and he would be there..I told him I didn't need to be rescued..I just needed him to paddle for a while.
Okay...I love this. Sigh.
Please take care of yourself, MTN. You deserve it!
So, some of them couldn't button. When I went through my MLC diet I lost twenty pounds and got down to 115. I looked terrible since I am 5'7". Now I am back to normal and working out so I feel pretty good..
