Yes, I agree and I have asked question after question. We have been over this topic so many times and in so many ways I can’t remember. The “voice” seems to have been MUCH stronger than I ever realized. Remember a little while back I mentioned that she would talk to herself in the bathroom. I knew this from long ago but never made a connection. Even when I heard her talking to herself sometime over the summer, I didn’t think much of it. Then something on this board jogged my memory and I started to take a different approach with my questions. Then something got through (I think). I am still waiting a while to see how much “takes hold” and how much change could be real. Just sitting and waiting for now.
You said to me... "I am not a cold person." And that's what I heard and got caught up in. Because... as we discuss this and you say that to me... you are busy with defining and being NOT a cold person, and I am busy defining and considering you as NOT a cold person. You are both busy being what you are NOT.
Now. As soon as I asked you... "okay... you are NOT a cold person.... {{{{{{STOP}}}}}}} Next question....
"Well.... then what ARE you?"
And you told me.
I believed you. Now you can be Who You Are, and I can be Who I Am... and we can move onto the next thing. Until one or both of us, starts again BEING something we are NOT.
OK, you must be pulling up some discussion from a while back…. I get what you are saying in acting/thinking/being who we believe we are rather than focusing on who we are not. So in your example, if I am not a cold person, then am I a happy person, a warm person, a bubbly person, etc? Is this what you're driving at?
Well, for me, that would take a little introspection, going back to a time when I felt I was the real me, before I felt influenced to be or act one way or another, to please or not to please. I then have to meld that with who I think I should be now, whether that past image of myself is still relevant today. I’ve thought about that some but I’ll mull over it some more.
I then have to meld that with who I think I should be now, whether that past image of myself is still relevant today. I’ve thought about that some but I’ll mull over it some more.
I don't care about who you think you should be... for that is something that may or may not happen, and is completely up to you. And no worries, I am BEING me, as you do that.
Who Are You until you become what you think you should be? Who am I dealing with, in the interim?
But Cobra... IF your honest answer is... "I don't know..." just tell me... (Who You ARE in the interim)... 'cuz that clears up a whole lot of things for me... and I can just BE ME... and not fret or .... hmmmm..... get confused (as your wife MAY BE in your Not Knowingness).... while you work it out.
But just don't pretend that you DO KNOW, when you Don't Know.... 'cuz that leaves me guessing... and not trusting... and being suspicious...
I've been thinking about this a little bit before responding... I think the best I can answer is to say that I am someone thinks he is starting (hoping) • to see a light in the tunnel • to feel some of the stress start to lift • to look more into the future than just day to day • to be more relaxed.
That is about the best I can come up with for now. I guess I’m in transition. I don’t feel grumpy or angry too much, I don’t necessarily feel happy yet… does that make sense?
I just saw your last post and now you’ve got me curious where you are coming from…
and I can just BE ME... and not fret or .... hmmmm..... get confused (as your wife MAY BE in your Not Knowingness).... while you work it out.
Why am I causing you to feel this. I am completely confused about this.
But just don't pretend that you DO KNOW, when you Don't Know.... 'cuz that leaves me guessing... and not trusting... and being suspicious...
I've been thinking about this a little bit before responding... I think the best I can answer is to say that I am someone thinks he is starting (hoping) • to see a light in the tunnel • to feel some of the stress start to lift • to look more into the future than just day to day • to be more relaxed.
That is about the best I can come up with for now. I guess I’m in transition. I don’t feel grumpy or angry too much, I don’t necessarily feel happy yet… does that make sense?
I think, in a sense... you are asking your wife to 'be Who She Is,' hoping she will be that... when you do not know yourself. And until this moment... I don't think you realized you weren't quite there yourself. "I'm doing the best I can..." is a whole lot different than saying "I'm NOT your father." For that begs the question... okay... if you are not my father... Who ARE you?"
And you've been saying... "Dunno... just... I am being NOT your father..." Okay... that leaves... like a universe FULL of potential for what you COULD be... and... hey... you don't know... why should I? You can bet your bippy I'm walking with caution...
So. At least the answer you gave me above is HONEST. I can DEAL with honesty. I think I might even be able to mirror that...
I just had to 1) let down my own defenses and 2) ask the right questions. When I did both of those things... you could hear me... and mirror back.
I’m not sure if we’re on the same page. You’ve twice mentioned that I said "I'm NOT your father" to my W, but I’ve never said that to her. She is the one who has told me "You’re NOT my father." Don’t know if that makes a difference to what you’re thinking or not.
