Hey Cat, I've been reading your sitch when I can. You have a lot of strength. I keep trying to think of something really profound and insightful to say to you that will help, but I think you've already said and thought anything I could come up with. If I do think of anything really good, I'll let you know! ;-)
But back to me... Coincidentally, we did decide to fly my d back to Denver for that week. I'll have both kids again, which will be great. My d will have a chance to meet and play with her old friends. We'll all go to my son's concert. It's still not a perfect solution, but it's not a bad one.
A thing that gives me a little glimmer of hope: my wife couldn't sleep after talking to me about S's concert and such. She called me the next day to talk about it. She does feel it's her fault, and she feels guilty about it. It's a little pathetic and self pitying when she says "it's all my fault", and I have a hunch she's looking for me to say "there, there, it's not all your fault," etc. I do say that. It's not all her fault and ... oops, got to go
M45, W45,S15, D10, Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07 last thread
whew, the boss suddenly wanted to talk. One of the dangers of visiting the boards during work. Not that this site is inappropriate or that I would be in trouble for being here, but the danger of being interupted. Oh well. The crisis is not a large one, and I think I can make the boss happy easily enough.
I want to finish my thought, then I can get to work, honest.
so it's not all her fault, and if our M were strong I would still support her career and want her to do this, it would just be alot easier.
Many couples have to live apart for a while, or years. I was active Navy for 8 years, and traveled too much in civilian jobs too. I know M/R can survive this. It sure is hard to work on fixing a broken M/R with that kind of distance though.
Enough complaing. Got to go make the boss happy.
M45, W45,S15, D10, Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07 last thread
============== there, there, it's not all your fault," etc. I do say that. ============== But you dont' really think this way! even if it is not all her fault, she wants validation for having split the family, you dont' have to give it even if she feels bad, she needs to see what she's doing. You can just say something non-commital without humoring her.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I guess it kind of worked out. It's not ideal by any means. My daughter will miss a week of school, but I don't think it will hurt. I'd still rather have us all together.
You're right, I do blame my W for this. I have thought about what you've said and maybe she does need to feel more guilt for what she did; leaving me and the kids for the OM, taking a job out of state.
I am trying to keep up with your sitch, Cat, and I feel sorry for your H in a way. He sounds really messed up and down. It's too bad he can't see how great his life is and could be.
M45, W45,S15, D10, Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07 last thread
I had so many thoughts I wanted to write down, but now my son is awake and my thinking shifts to him and what I need to do to take care of him and our life. But, he's content right now reading the Sunday morning comics and relaxing, so I'll see if I can get my mind back to the ideas I had and if I can write them down.
OK, first, why? Why is my W still married to me? Why doesn't she just say it's over and it can't work? After all that's happened, how could we possibly reach the kind of love we used to have (once upon a time)? How can we ever love each other like we did, or for that matter love anyone the way we did? Our innocence is gone. Is our ability to really trust and love gone too? Every month she waits to say ILY, every day, every hour, I move farther away from her and feel less love. Is that true for her too? So why prolong the agon?
Does she harbor strong dreams and feelings that she could have that kind of love we used to have with the OM? Does she long to return to him and make a life with him? If so (and from what I've read on this board, it's a very common feeling. The desire for the OP gets stronger again. It's easier and more promising than facing the spouse and trying to fix the M/R), if she desires him, why isn't she with him? If she did contact him, went to him, would it be the end for me and her? Many here see there WAS go back to the OP, only to return to the M yet again, yes? Will I take her back if that happens, if given the chance?
Why am I hanging on? I could end it too. I could move on. Then I could start moving on, getting over this, really facing the pain, say goodbye, move on. I know I can, even though it would hurt. I know I could leave the M and move on and be happy. Why am I still here?
the kids. I want to do what's best for them. What's best for them is for my W and I to be a couple and be their parents. I can't force her to do that or feel that way. What's second best? For my W and I to be friends and keep the kids safe and happy, the best we can. We can do that. But do I have to let my D live with my W out of state? What's best for her? She likes her new school, she loves her mom. I guess visitation rights and working out summer vacations is the next step.
I kind of feel that my d is an emotional hostage in this. If I had both kids right now, with me, would I file for Divorce? Would I push my W to make up her mind? I think I might. I call my D every night to talk, say ILY, and wish her good night. I usually talk to my W a little then too. It's friendly, but I hate the feeling at the end. These is tension. No ILYs. I don't think I would call her at all if I didn't call to talk to me daughter.
Maybe, although it's impossible for me to tell, she feels the same way about her son. I've got him. Is he an emotional hostage for her? Does she miss him as much as I miss my d?
So we aren't divorced. I know DB says I shouldn't initiate the R talks, but something has got to give here soon. She has to start opening up and telling me what she is thinking and feeling. We need to start moving, even if it's "back". Could I take it if she told me she wants the OM? You all stand it, face up to it, and keep working. Hopefully I could too. Could I take it if she said she doesn't love me, can't love me. I think so. I think I'd want a Divorce then. I would want to move on.
My friend advices me to wait until after the next time we see each other in person, which is near the end of this month, before starting to push her on talking, acting. I think he is right. Meanwhile, I'll journal, write here, and I am going to see if the C we saw earlier can help me sort out some of my feelings.
About Affairs. Do you think that eventually you have to talk about it, know details, examine it? I know it's not the central issue. I know the OM really doesn't matter at the core, but an A is a huge issue, just off to the side of theh main issues.
thanks for listening.
M45, W45,S15, D10, Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07 last thread
CAT, I empathise with you, I feel for you, I pray for you. It's not fair, it's stupid, it barely makes any sense at all. It won't last forever and it'll get better (not soon enough, eh? but it will).
You're still there. You may not feel like yourself, but you're still there and can't be broken.
You know the drill; GAL, PMA. Those two things really help.
I said I feel sorry for your H, but I don't excuse him.
And thanks for your comments on my sitch.
M45, W45,S15, D10, Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07 last thread
Damn her. OK, we'll start with the rational part of my brain, then I'll turn it over to my anger, to hopefully get it out of my system 1. I'm making this into too big of a deal 2. What she said is for the best for the kids 3. It's the effing situation as much as anything 4. I'll get over it, I'll be OK, and we'll be ok.
That's all of the nice stuff I can think of right now. On to the Rant.
Here's the situations. In Nov, my W has a conference. We were trying to figure out who would take care of D while W was gone. Fist option, I was going to drive out there and spend a week in AR taking care of D. My mom would stay with my S in CO. Then we found out that my S will be playing in a jazz concert that same week. Not only do I want to be at that concert, but I think my S wants me (or W) there. He is too stoic,and said he didn't mind if I couldn't attend, but I want to attend,and I think he wants me too. So the second plan: my D would take a week off of school and fly to CO to spend the week with me and her bro. She's way ahead in school and we think she could miss it OK. She'd spend time with me and bro, and see her old friends again. I loved the idea. I loved the idea of me going to AR too, but this was just as good if not better.
Today, my W called to say that her parents would go to AR and take care of D that week. Isn't that great? Hell no it ain't great. It sucks. It stinks. How could she think that would be great? How could she think I'd just say "cool, then I don't have to 'bother' of taking care of my own D, thanks".
OK, so I understand she's being rational, to a point.I understand she didn't do this or say it to hurt me. I told her I was disappointed and would need a little time before I consented to the plan of in laws going to AR instead of D coming to me. Then, she tried to rationalise it "well, this way she wouldn't miss any school" etc. Damn it! I know that. It's not about what makes logical sense. I am feeling pain, dissappointment, anger at not seeing my D, at being kept away from her, of missing her so much it feels like a large knife buried in my heart and soul. Can't she understand that? Can't she understand that it doesn't matter if it saves us money, or keeps her in school, or avoids my D havign to fly alone (no connecting flights, gate to gate escort). I AM HURT, DISSAPPOINTED, ANGRY. I WANT MY DAUGHTER. Damn her, can't she understand that?
Don't tell me it's for the best. Don't tell me I shouldn't be upset. Don't tell me anything. You don't have the right to tell me anything.
I stayed calm, although with her fear of anger and confrontation, I know she can hear in my voice how upset I am. I say that I need some time, that I'll keep the kids interests first, that we will keep the kids first. She said she would too, and made some kind of weak comment about how she maybe didn't or doesn't always (I assume refering to her taking the job out of state or the early ABANDONMENT of the kids, and me). What ever.
To my W: I hope this upsets you. I hope you see what your actions are causing. I hope you feel some of the pain. You say you miss your S too, but you sure don't show it, not to me, and I don't see you showing it to him. My D was looking forward to flying home (yes HOME). We had just started making plans - seeing her old friends, visiting her old school, eating Chipotle (they don't have it out there in AR and she loves it). W, you get to tell D that she isn't going and that her G-mother will be coming instead - a g-ma that she isn't particulary found of.
My m-i-l is seeing my D more than I am. She expects me to be happy about that?
How did I, why did I, agree to this plan and let my D go with her? I know why, and I know it still makes sense. but wait, maybe I'm not thinking clearly. Maybe I thought it made sense to go against my heart and do what I thought was best for my D, but maybe I should've and should follow my heart and keep her with me?
Damn ME. I hear what I'm writing, I can tell I'm bringing the drama, getting dramatic.
I took a 40 minute walk, typed this, and I'm starting to calm down. Now maybe I can get back to work.
KS Chick, if you read this - how can your XH leave his D? I don't understand. I guess you can't either.
And, I know, I still have it pretty good compared to most out there. I feel a little guilty about getting so upset. I am peiceing, with a small chance for success, but a chance.
aaaargh.
How can I peice a M/R back with this woman who ...
OMG, I just remembered part of the conversation my anger didn't let me hear before. She said she missed me. First time she has said that. And, it doesn't matter. I miss my D.
I guess, to sum up. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
M45, W45,S15, D10, Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07 last thread
Hey LG,sorry to hear your plans to be with your D did not work out.
-------------- but maybe I should've and should follow my heart and keep her with me? ---------------- Is it too late to tell your wife you were not really comfortable with the decision and that you do want your D with you?
-------------- Fist option, I was going to drive out there and spend a week in AR taking care of D... So the second plan...
W called to say that her parents would go to AR and take care of D that week. Isn't that great? --------------- I wonder if this is miscommunication problem, did she know about the 2 plans you formulate and did she realize you and your D were making plans for when she got home? Did your W just *told* you what her decision was?
With holidays and all that stuff coming up, perhaps now is a time to divide time fairly between you two so you don't feel cheated like now. I wonder if, in some way, your wife thought she was doing good by just taking care of your D without having to have you or her fly around and save $ and didnt realize how much it hurt you to not have your D around.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Hi Cat, and as always, thanks for the input. It's great that you find time and the will to give solid advice when you've got your own "issues" to deal with. I appreciate it.
I've reviewed my decision, away from the heat of my anger and dissappointment, and I still think it's the right one for now -that is, my D being in AR with my W.
I think there was some miscommunication. My W didn't realize how I felt and how excited I was to have my D come stay with me. She didn't realize I concidered it a solid plan. She didn't know my D and I had started planning our time together.
When I talked to my W last time (some R talk too, by the way) I admitted that communication had been lacking, and I took responsibility for my share of the problem. I also said that when it comes to time with the kids, we both better not make any unilateral decisions and we should be very clear in our communications. I brought up the holidays and we started solidifying plans for them.
I've got lots on my mind, but I don't feel like getting into it now. I'll write later. Busy guy just now.
Thanks again.
M45, W45,S15, D10, Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07 last thread
