NDDT - I'm glad to hear that you are re-thinking the R talk. I think you could probably just not bring it up again...and she most likely will not either. OR...you could discuss your D and how best to handle all of this, etc. Just working out the logistical details. I think that could actually show a lot of independence from you - whih would be a good thing. I would stay clear of Retrovaille too. She's simply not ready for that - in my opinion.
In my opinion, what you need to do right now is pretty simple. Enjoy your D, get your place and your life where you want it, do not contact W unless you really need to and be the happy guy you want to be when you do have contact with her.
That is what is in your control right now NDDT. The rest is up to her to figure out.
You are facing the reality, doing what you need to do, and focusing on taking care of you and your daughter.
In the end, it's all you really have.... You.
I can tell you from personal experience this one thing...and listen to me, because it is the absolute truth, through and through.
You only have one try, one attempt.....at raising your daughter. Once that time passes, if you are like me (and many others) you will judge yourself over and over about how you spent that time.
It appears you are thinking that way already, but I just wanted to reaffirm the point, because in all the emotion now and that lay just ahead, it is easy to forget.
We are proud of your strength and will pray for your family.
I feel that she will miss you and come back in time. The sad part is, everyone has to go through this, not just her. The good part is, you will likely be closer than before, and you will feel content that you were strong, and did the right thing as a person, and a father.
Glad to see the move went well and and you actually got to see the place she headed to. Sorry about the exchange with daughter in the car, that was rough to even read.
Nice score on the dinning set! You sound well. Ha I have the cold now, probably shouldn't look at this post to much or you'll get it also.
Thanks for the responses. Gollum I hear you on my daughter, I am definately trying to do my best by her. Planning on putting her room together better than it ever has been. Some days are hard, like yesterday afternoon, she wanted my attention and I wanted to start putting this house back together. For the most part she won that.
Atlas, what my daughter said in the car.... did not really bite me that hard, I am pretty much accepting of what she said. I actually thought it was kinda funny that she thought I would be able to hook up with some early 20 something college cutie!! Thanks for the vote of support daughter! lol
Gollum, "I feel that she will miss you and come back in time. The sad part is, everyone has to go through this, not just her. The good part is, you will likely be closer than before"
I guess I can only hope that happens. I am not holding my breath on it. Time will tell.....I guess the best I can do right now is not do something to push her even further away. But, to be honest if I am served papers one of these days, yes it will hurt, but I wont be shocked.
((NDDT))...I think holding off on the R talk is a wise idea. My DB coach says to aim small and stay casual when me and the H talk..she thinks R talks scare him away...you may try just some casual friendly conversation...make her laugh, and show her the true you....you can do this....stay strong and positive Christa
H-32 Me-29 T-10years M-4yr (10/04) Me- WAW 1/07 I filed for D 2/07 D put on hold 5/07 H re-files for D 9/08 WOW! trying MC 10/08
"Work like you don't need the money, dance like nobody is watching, love like you've never been hurt!"
Ugggh. Feeling so sick, I do not know how I managed to make it thru work last night. Today I came home and slept all day, I do feel a bit better, which is good as I have to work all night again. This is going to be a nasty work week, I only have 24 hours off starting at 7 am tommorow, then back to work for 3 more days. At least I get to pick up my daughter from school tommorow and spend a few hours with her.
Still thinking about if I should now have any talk with wife next week? Or should I just let her bring it up? Right now I feel so crappy I cant think straight. I have a cold perhaps the flu. I am sure it was brought on by stress. But I just need to concentrate on feeling better.
Dropped my daughter off a little while ago, wife seemed in ok mood. Maybe a little ajitated about something. Dont get to see kid until Monday now, all of this Mando Overtime is killing my time with kid.....will help paychedk though.
Feeling fairly detached last couple of days, also do feel a level of patience returning. My focus is right now on making this house the home I always envisioned it to be. It could be some time before she comes over here to pick up our kid. The look on her face when she walks in is going to be good. She is gonna think I have been schtuking it to Martha Stewart!!! LOL I am becoming quite pleased with myself in that regard.
Anyhow, hope everyone has a nice night, I need to get as much sleep as possible with this cold I got!!
Mate, when you are sick its best to just cruise through as best as you can , its the worse possible time for R talk or anything other than looking after yourself.
Well the cold I have seems to be letting up a bit. Going to try for another good nights sleep. I have been actually sleeping better the last few days than before her move. I think I just got plain wore down. With stress and all, then the cold kicks in and I am wiped.
Anyhow I was thinking today. Kinda new thoughts coming to me. Not sure if this is detaching more, giving up or what? But as I slowly put my house back together, and envision to what I yet want to do with it, I am liking it. It is comfortable, it is neat and orderly. It is the WAY I LIKE IT!
Which led me to this thought........do I really want her to come back? Oh yes, there is a part of me that misses her and what we had, what we should have. But I feel as if a part of me is growing away from that as I put this house the way I want it. One of the BIG issues for me that I believe led to our downward spiral is her clutter and general disregard for any order. It would so frustrate me. Stuff would be laying all over, papers, mail......plates with old food in the sink. I think back to one time when I had to work all weekend, and on Sunday after I got home from work, a weekend she had off..........the house was completely trashed. I just wanted to come home and relax.......and I couldn't.
I would get angry, sulk, kick stuff around.......and just withdrawl. I never called her lazy out right, but I know I got that message across. I tried to and for the most part succeeded, in accepting that is just the way she is. When I had time, I cleaned. And it seemed that she would get mad at me, when all I looked for were a few kudo's. "Hey, honey you like how the house looks?" "Uhhhh, yeah its great, as she tossed her stuff on the table"
Now I am questioning if I really want to go back to that? There is a part of me that is not so sure. It is probably going to be about 10 days, 2 weeks before she actually comes here to pick up our girl. I am not even close to what I want this place to look like, but I am hoping for an involuntary wow from her when she walks in......
Am I detaching? Am I getting better? I feel like I am. Not sure what is going to happen next.........but on the other hand, at least for this moment, I am not overly concerned about it either!!
Wow NDDT that sounds really familiar to me. The process you are going through, the realization of your new life, her behavior (my W is a slob too - although she is tending to keep her new place fairly neat!).
This is important for you. This detaching, accepting, moving on, whatever you want to call it..gives confidence and gives you control frankly. You are starting to see that you certainly don't NEED her back. You will be AOK without her. And then if and when the time comes...the ball will be in your court. And that is what you want.
Christa