Chat with OPs spouse?

[lester]

I know this seems to be against what everyone here thinks. But just about every other site seems to encourage talking to the other person's spouse about what's going on. It helps to remove secrecy of the A but is also likely to anger WS and probably OP.

From what I know of her she seems like a good person who is being majorly mistreated not only by the A but in general. He gives her an "allowance" and spends most of the time doing whatever he wants.

I don't know if this is a good idea or not; but just like I have a right to make decision on what to do with my M doesn't she? I don't know it's been bothering me. I'd be lying to say that I was purely altruistic but this suggestion keeps popping up on other sites.

Anyone talk to OPs spouse? Did it help/make worse/no difference? How did OP spouse and others react?

[Yoyowife]

Lester,
I have talked to OW's H. I can see the pros and the cons.

He was definitely able to confirm my suspicions, but that's all I really needed to know to see what I was up against. He also hired a PI who has info that they said I can use if I need it in my settlement.

Now let me tell you the down side. Often he would call me late at night and tell me that he and PI were watching his wife's house and my H had just arrived to spend the night. Yes, I knew it was going on, but I didn't want to know the exact time it was happening. As a result of these late night phone calls I lost a lot of sleep. I got where I started turning the ringer off of my phone.

In my case also I was subpeonaed by OW's husband's attorney because of the info I had. Luckily, I did not have to testify, but I felt like I belonged in a trashy soap opera, but I backed away from the situation and realized that I didn't have anything to be ashamed of.

The husband still tries to call me periodically, but I have been ignoring the calls. Everytime I talk to him he always whines about how he just didn't see this coming, what could he have done differently. Please don't think I'm being insensitive, but this has been going on for almost a year. They are now divorced, let's stop beating the dead horse. We have to start trying to live for ourselves.

So I guess my advice would be just be prepared for more than you really want to know.

Yoyo

[Ohio_Mark]

I found my wife's boyfriend's wife (his third wife...and mine wants to be #4). We exchanged email and chatted for a while, never talked on the phone. She has no interest in staying married to him, btw. For the record, wife's BF & his wife live together, about 300 miles away.

Advantages:
- I learned a lot about him, what makes him tick, his past, weaknesses, strengths, family situation, x-wives, etc.
- I was able to craft two email messages that I sent to BF that had info that was hurtful to their relationship. She helped me "bake it in" so as not to appear obvious (in hindsight, I regret sending the emails...I do not recommend doing it).
- It was nice to have somebody to talk to, as I made a commitment that I would not tell anybody of the affair.
- It was nice to have a female perspective on things I was doing.
- I was (and still am) lonely. She filled a void.

Disadvantages
- It was becoming clear that BF wife wanted more from our relationship than I did. She had designs on me, that's for sure.
- She was feeding me info that was tantamount to me snooping. She had an unbelieveable amount of info.
- She was distracting me from DB'ing. I lost focus.
- Because we never talked on the phone (chat & email only), I was never sure if I was chatting with her ... or him .

I cut-off contact about a month ago and have no regrets. In the event our D becomes final and I have moved on, I may ring her up. We have a lot in common, and although I don't think we will ever have a serious relationship, we would have a good time together.

Bottom line is that I grew weary of her telling me the fruits of her snooping (she makes it an art...). As Yoyo says: "be prepared for more than you really want to know."

If you decide to initiate contact, have a list of things you want to find out, or hope to accomplish. Get it done, then break off contact.

Warning: Be very careful. Both of you are vulnerable to an EA or PA. You are both emotionally fragile, and you may find yourselves leaning on each other too much. I ended contact when I detected this occuring.

[SueS]

lester-

I have not done this, but another person to reach out to would be lwb. She has recently been in contact with OW's H. She has some interesting points on her thread......day by day.

SueS

[runningoutoftime]

Most people here will encourage you not to. In some ways it's good to let the A "run it's course" where ever that may be. Although I also think deflating the excitement and secretiveness is a good thing.

I did contact OW and eventually her spouse as well. When I contacted him I tried to be very factual and only shared information I could substantiate. Contacting him completely killed the affair. His wife did not want a divorce, she just wanted discreet fun on the side (but I didn't know this at the time so I was taking a risk). If she had been unhappy enough in her marriage or her H had not trusted her so much (I think she downplayed the whole thing quite a lot and made it seem like I was just a crazy jealous ex-wife-to-be) things might have turned out differently. But when I contacted him I didn't care what the outcome would be.

It's kind of funny because I think my husband thought that by filing for divorce he could keep me out of his life and keep the secret going. But by filing that divorce I no longer cared who knew or didn't know. Gosh! I even told some people at their work (that was after my husband cut off my home phone service without telling me... after I emailed her a nasty message.... I was absolutely livid with rage over that).

Anyhow, after I contacted her husband it was like a firestorm. My husband immediately called completely enraged and telling me to get my lawyer to square away whatever needed to be done to get the divorce completed. He also emailed me angry messages. He gave OW my personal home phone number, cell phone number and email address so she could talk to me. It was CRAZY!!!! She threatened me with harassment. I was so worried about my husband (we were separated at the time) that for awhile I was propping a chair up under the front door knob because I was afraid he might come in the middle of the night and kill me. That's a little paranoid on my part because my husband isn't an angry, abusive sort of guy. But this situation caused a lot of anger and I was really freaked out.

But in the long run. I don't regret it. If I could have, I would have contacted her husband earlier, but it took time to get a contact number for him. And I'm sorry I wasn't a little nastier with her when the whole thing started. I was way too nice to her. And I do think contacting her husband killed the A and the things I did say to her didn't make her feel great about herself, and.... I think she needed to hear that.

Overall, it was a like a big soap opera.

[Hope_11]

I think if you do this hope for the best and expect the worse. Definately, be prepared for the outrage you will endure from your spouse. In my case, OW was not married, so there was only the three of us involved. I contacted her one time after asking my H if he thought it would help if I talked to her. He wanted me to talk to her. I was trying to make reconciliation the easiest possible for him. In hindsight, I regret it. She was nothing but b$tchy and opinionated to me. She could care less about me and my marriage and our conversation proved that. She was only worried about herself and she thought that my H would make her happy. She gave me her opinion on what went wrong with my marriage...not exactly what I wanted to hear. H never came home, and I wish I never talked to her.

[saffie]

I contacted OW's H. I was the last out of the two couples to know. My H actually gave me his phone no. and email address. He thought that OW's H and I might give each other comfort!!

I was able to use it as a means to get information to OW through her husband - information that I knew OW's H thought would strengthen his cause and I knew would help me, as it would upset the OW. I never relied on the info that OW's H gave me as he had his own agenda and I was in no doubt that he would use me to further his own ends if he needed to. Luckily my H felt that he and OW deserved all the flack they got for all the hurt they had caused. OW didn't agree with that, which helped make the rift between my H and OW bigger. OW ended up running away from the whoe sitch as my H rejected her and she was frightened of me. She gave up her job in my H's co. and went back to her H.

I still know how to contact her if I want to and if she did anything that affected me I wouldn't think twice about contacting her and telling her what a scum bag she is.

Saffie

[lester]

Yoyo,

In my sitch the OM’s W has suspicions and I am the one with the info… at least from what I know. She may know some other way (he certainly doesn’t have the balls to tell her). I’ve thought about a PI but honestly like you said it would be TMI. I just don’t think I want to go there even if there is more going on than I even imagine I’d rather not know. I just want an end to it and this chat seems to come highly recommended elsewhere.

On a side note, as far as the subpoena thing I’ve read to mark all your journals, etc. as being directed to your attorney. It automatically becomes privileged at that point and can’t be subpoened. A person can be, however, and that sucks.

When you say that they are divorced; are you as well or just separated?

[lester]

Mark,

Our sitches are somewhat similar but it seems like I’m in the reverse position as far as knowledge from you and Yoyo. I see the same advantages and disadvantages that you state. Was your wife angry at all? Has a D been filed for in your sitch? (You said in the event D becomes final). One huge disadvantage would be wife’s reaction… reaction to cell phone info was pretty nuts but haven’t done it since .

Did your wife’s BF’s wife tell him that you two had been in contact?

[lester]

Saffie, hope and running,

Thanks for the perspective. This doesn’t seem like it’s a decision to be made lightly. Here’s what I imagine will happen…

She tells me that she suspected something and he’s been acting a little weird. OM (heard from wife) paints her as not caring that much about the marriage and she’s happy being at home while he does whatever hobby strikes him. I think if she is “mean” it’s probably due to his abuse and neglect. Talking to her could very well end the marriage. My wife and OM are in the military and OM’s wife could very well bring court martial charges to their commander. Wife said if I went to the commander then we would divorce and quite frankly if she wants to divorce me for trying to save my marriage then good riddance. OM's wife's reaction probably scares me more than my wife’s anger but if it goes on too much longer it is going to be hard to look myself in the mirror without her knowing the truth. I mean that is so unfair; I’ve been able to DB and heal somewhat and she’s been getting the shaft.

On the flip side, my wife’s friends tend to be telling her to follow her heart. I’m sorry but that is the biggest bunch of horsecrap. Problem is society buys it. If you follow emotions you will make the worse decisions not the best. I don’t know I just wish I could talk to her friends for a second and wack em with a 2x4. “In love” is a feeling like anger, sadness or gas – it’s not what you seek for long term relationships… it’s just not because then as feelings change AND THEY DO you’ll be in the same boat back in stupid land cheating on your 2nd husband  Sorry for the rant but her stupid friends make things worse and I for one can’t imagine encouraging someone to cheat. If I were in their spot I’d call ‘em a duck and get out the rifle and I have called cheaters out on the carpet before. Love is a choice, Marriage is decision/commitment.

I think I would say something along the lines of “Hi, you don’t know me and no I’m not selling vacuums but I have something important to discuss with you regarding your husband. I don’t know how aware you are of the situation but our spouses have not been doing the right thing lately and I was hoping we could work together to straighten out this mess.”

sorry for the rambling rant