I and many others here can vow that living with these guys in the middle of this mess is the most awful things you can go through.
I remember those days. I remember coming home and literally chugging 1-2 glasses of wine before H came home (which was anywhere from 11pm - 3am) just to calm myself down to function. I remember breaking down in a parking lot crying hysterically b/c my entire life was a lie.
I am proud of you for where you are now. The days are tough, but I have noticed you and the kids always seem to do better when H is not around.
Don't focus on him now....just on preserving you and the kids. Even when he's out, put some distance if that is what you need to back away from the yo-yo craziness. Get yourself together again and healthy for the kids. You need that.
You now know what we have all come to realize in some way...there is NOTHING you can do to help this along. You can try everything, doing X or not doing X...and it amounts to the same thing. So, don't live in fear, just live for you.
You're not looking forward to his return b/c it's marked with uneasy craziness...instability. But, think of it this way....when he returns, you will make decisions for you and the kids (nothing legal), to lessen that in your lives. I promise you, it will get better after that.
