Almost a WAW

[sandi2]

Hi AmyC....oh don't mind me....I was just being "cute". My cotton nightgown has little buttons that open practically down to the belly button (lol) and drops off the shoulder just right to show off my large breasts. So, it's pretty sexy anyway. Almost all my gowns are pretty....even the more modest ones. But, I understand where you are coming from about how I feel about myself. I am trying to work on that. I was really mad at myself this morning when I started dressing for work. I have returned to eating again!!......and I could tell when I started trying to squeeze into my clothes. I refuse to gain back the weight I lost! I know I am eating out of depression and nothing more. The weight I lost was not under healthy circumstances....but I don't want to gain it back! I have issues about my body as it is and I know that has always been a problem with intimacy. I know my husband loves me and my size does not bother him.....but it does me. It always has.....even when I was a beautiful size (I didn't realize it) and I had issues about my body. I think my mother is the cause of that...but that is another story. She was always (and still is) the shape of a model. She was never......I mean never hungry, so she did not know how it was for me and thought large people were lazy, undisiplined, (and in my mind), I thought she also saw them as "worthless". You would have thought I would have grown up with an eating disorder.....but if I did, it just made me larger instead of skinny. But, anyway, like I said, that was a long time ago and I think she can understand a little better now. However, my own personal body issues comes from my inner self.....not my mother. But, going eleven years without intimacy can not be healthy for one's self-esteem. I started eating out of boredom and depression. I got bigger than I have ever been before. When I was using my webcam....nobody ever saw my entire body. Usually, my face was all that was seen by whomever I talked to. Of course, I ate it up (no pun intended) when they started with the compliments, b/c I was starved to hear all of those lies. After things started getting serious......you know (I don't want to get off into all of that)....b/c I lost any desire to eat, the weight started coming off. Fist time in my life I lost weight without dieting. But, that was not a good way to loose it. However, I am not going to gain it back again....I have to take care of myself. Besides, I am going to start using that lotion and potion stuff again...lol.

When I made the statement about the nightie, I wasn't thinking of you actually....it was something somebody else had said shortly after I had come on board....but they didn't know at the time that the last thing I wanted to do was have sex with my H.

I haven't thought of anything "fun" yet......for my plan. But, I will. Right now, I am baby-stepping. One day, I think we've done better and then the next day doesn't seem to be so good. That kind of knocks the props out of making plans to have fun. It sure enough knocks everything out of me regarding any thoughts of sex! I really am wondering if I will ever have feelings of desire for my H. It bothers me. I even told him that during one of our talks. He didn't say anything. I was crying so hard at the time I told him and he just looked sad. I have thought about going to C just for me....but to be perfectly honest....I don't really feel like it would accomplish very much. I guess b/c of a bad past experience with C.....I don't have a lot of confidence in most of them.

Well, lunch time is over and I've got to get back to work. come talk to me, AmyC...over in SSM. You know you lift my spirits.....and you seem to know when to give me a quick kick in my behind when I need it, too. (lol) I'll take whatever you want to give me, cause I know you love me. Can't help it, can ya? lol)

[AmyC]

My cotton nightgown has little buttons that open practically down to the belly button (lol) and drops off the shoulder just right to show off my large breasts.

HOLY CRAP!

See?
Your inner tart is bustin' out all over!

[Dom R]

I really am wondering if I will ever have feelings of desire for my H. It bothers me. I even told him that during one of our talks. He didn't say anything.

I know you were hurt at the time. and being honest.
But please remember, that is one of THE most damaging things you can say to a man. I think it's one of the worst things you can say relationshipwise, without crossing the line over into specifically attacking.
(ie: if you said you would never desire him, because he's so ugly/whatever)

Please think of it this way:
It's about equivalent to adulterous spouses spewing, "I NEVER LOVED YOU! I NEVER WILL!!"

Hopefully, we both know that they arent being truthful about the first part, and the second part doesnt have to be true either.
They may feel that way at the time... but it's still horribly hurtful to say it.



Now, what to do, when you feel like doubting yourself and your desire for your spouse? :
I think one of the worst counter-productive things you can do, is get fixated on,
"I dont think i'll ever be turned on by you again!".

It's like wondering, "Am I ever going to get to sleep tonight?"

"well, I'm not asleep yet"

"still not asleep"

"gee, why am I not asleep...?"

You fall asleep when you quit worrying about it and watching yourself about it all the time, and just let yourself relax.

So, ...


RELAX ALREADY!!!

heh heh. kidding.. see you over in the other forum