Peicing hurts like hell and is harder than...

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Damn her. OK, we'll start with the rational part of my brain, then I'll turn it over to my anger, to hopefully get it out of my system
1. I'm making this into too big of a deal
2. What she said is for the best for the kids
3. It's the effing situation as much as anything
4. I'll get over it, I'll be OK, and we'll be ok.

That's all of the nice stuff I can think of right now. On to the Rant.

Here's the situations. In Nov, my W has a conference. We were trying to figure out who would take care of D while W was gone. Fist option, I was going to drive out there and spend a week in AR taking care of D. My mom would stay with my S in CO. Then we found out that my S will be playing in a jazz concert that same week. Not only do I want to be at that concert, but I think my S wants me (or W) there. He is too stoic,and said he didn't mind if I couldn't attend, but I want to attend,and I think he wants me too. So the second plan: my D would take a week off of school and fly to CO to spend the week with me and her bro. She's way ahead in school and we think she could miss it OK. She'd spend time with me and bro, and see her old friends again. I loved the idea. I loved the idea of me going to AR too, but this was just as good if not better.

Today, my W called to say that her parents would go to AR and take care of D that week. Isn't that great? Hell no it ain't great. It sucks. It stinks. How could she think that would be great? How could she think I'd just say "cool, then I don't have to 'bother' of taking care of my own D, thanks".

OK, so I understand she's being rational, to a point.I understand she didn't do this or say it to hurt me. I told her I was disappointed and would need a little time before I consented to the plan of in laws going to AR instead of D coming to me. Then, she tried to rationalise it "well, this way she wouldn't miss any school" etc. Damn it! I know that. It's not about what makes logical sense. I am feeling pain, dissappointment, anger at not seeing my D, at being kept away from her, of missing her so much it feels like a large knife buried in my heart and soul. Can't she understand that? Can't she understand that it doesn't matter if it saves us money, or keeps her in school, or avoids my D havign to fly alone (no connecting flights, gate to gate escort). I AM HURT, DISSAPPOINTED, ANGRY. I WANT MY DAUGHTER. Damn her, can't she understand that?

Don't tell me it's for the best. Don't tell me I shouldn't be upset. Don't tell me anything. You don't have the right to tell me anything.

I stayed calm, although with her fear of anger and confrontation, I know she can hear in my voice how upset I am. I say that I need some time, that I'll keep the kids interests first, that we will keep the kids first. She said she would too, and made some kind of weak comment about how she maybe didn't or doesn't always (I assume refering to her taking the job out of state or the early ABANDONMENT of the kids, and me). What ever.

To my W: I hope this upsets you. I hope you see what your actions are causing. I hope you feel some of the pain. You say you miss your S too, but you sure don't show it, not to me, and I don't see you showing it to him. My D was looking forward to flying home (yes HOME). We had just started making plans - seeing her old friends, visiting her old school, eating Chipotle (they don't have it out there in AR and she loves it). W, you get to tell D that she isn't going and that her G-mother will be coming instead - a g-ma that she isn't particulary found of.

My m-i-l is seeing my D more than I am. She expects me to be happy about that?

How did I, why did I, agree to this plan and let my D go with her? I know why, and I know it still makes sense. but wait, maybe I'm not thinking clearly. Maybe I thought it made sense to go against my heart and do what I thought was best for my D, but maybe I should've and should follow my heart and keep her with me?

Damn ME. I hear what I'm writing, I can tell I'm bringing the drama, getting dramatic.

I took a 40 minute walk, typed this, and I'm starting to calm down. Now maybe I can get back to work.

KS Chick, if you read this - how can your XH leave his D? I don't understand. I guess you can't either.

And, I know, I still have it pretty good compared to most out there. I feel a little guilty about getting so upset. I am peiceing, with a small chance for success, but a chance.

aaaargh.

How can I peice a M/R back with this woman who ...

OMG, I just remembered part of the conversation my anger didn't let me hear before. She said she missed me. First time she has said that. And, it doesn't matter. I miss my D.

I guess, to sum up. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!