Tucson or Bust, part 3

[Kettricken]

Corri, you said, "Why are you still standing there taking it? The most compassionate thing you could do for the person in this instance is walk away or leave." I *could not* agree with you more. I believe the *worst* thing you can do for a person who is being abusive for any reason is to continue to provide them with a willing victim. My tendency to soapbox on this subject springs largely from frustration with some dear friends who do not see it like this and continue to allow themselves to be used as metaphorical punching bags in the name of "long suffering". Which helps nobody.

I have a new perspective on the "not personalizing" thing, though, due to all these comments. I do see the benefit now. Realizing "this isn't about *me*" doesn't mean you have to tolerate the negative behavior .... but it *does* mean you can short-circuit the defensive reactivity you might tend to get. If you aren't trying to defend yourself because you're secretly afraid it might be somehow your fault ... if you are firmly convinced that this is the case regardless of what you may be being accused of .... you can deal with the situation on its merits or lack thereof without struggling in your own guilt=anger quicksand *on top of* what ever crap is being shoveled at you.

This seems to have a lot to do with differentiation, too, actually.... in that you are refusing to overtly or covertly "take responsibility" for the other's emotions. Which seems (in my case, anyhow) to be the key to relative calm.