I haven't posted in a long time. I see a lot of new people on the board. I came back to wrap up my story.
My ride was loopy. My H was an extreme MLCer (possible other mental issues as well). My ride on the roller coaster was 2 years and 2 months. I was divorced yesterday.
My H didn't really follow the steps described by Hearts Blessing. I tried to make my sitch fit the steps, but I was trying to push round pegs into square holes. In my "loopy" sitch, it actually made the situation worse. My H didn't respond well to forgiveness and patience (but, as I said, he was the exception, not the MLC rule).
I filed for D in September 2006. We had 5 continuances. I thought H was hitting bottom in January 2007 but he bounced back into replay with a vengeance. His anger and rage returned, and he hit a new low in showing disrespect for me. I think part of it was because he thought I was dragging the divorce out (I wasn't, it was the lawyers).
Finally I quit being nice to him. I quit answering his calls.
In my divorce suit, H was charged with Adultery, and my laywer went after him hard financially. We also had the OW subpoenaed to appear as a witness.
I came face to face with H for the first time in 12 months yesterday in court. He had aged 10 years. He had gained at least 20 pounds and his face was puffy, with lots of new worry lines. He looked at me once when I walked in, then never looked at me again (In court, he kept his head down). The OW was there but looked scared to death.
Even though we reached am 11th hour settlement in court, we had to go through the preliminiaries of finalizing the divorce. My son was called as a witness for me, but he happens to have the same first name as the OW. She thought she was being called to the stand and went white as a sheet. I suppose I have some perverse need for revenge because the look of sheer terror on her face was priceless.
Then it was over and my lawyer and I returned to his office to discuss the details. Once we got there, he told me that he was expecting the OW to be some really hot babe, but said he was totally "underwhelmed" when he saw her. He predicted that H would be crawling back very soon but he hoped I wouldn't take him back (Nope).
I hadn't been home from court very long when H called. He was still being a real jerk. He said he was finally happy, and the price he had to pay was worth it to be rid of me. I let loose with 2+ years of bottled up rage and slammed the phone down. I don't know why he even called, there was no purpose since we were now divorced.
At 8:30 last night, my son telephoned and said that H had just called him (first time in a year). My son said H was crying and having an emotional meltdown. H told son that I was a fine woman and that he loved the grandkids. My son reminded H that he used to be a good man and an ideal role model, but considering his actions of the past two years, he couldn't let the kids be exposed to that type of behavior.
My son said that H definitely wasn't out celebrating his freedom with the OW last night.
He's one unhappy man, finally facing his demons. It's a shame that it took two years of Hell and a divorce to bring him to this realization.
I don't think I've heard the last of H. My SIL says that I will probably hear more from him now than I did in the past. She said in spite of everything he didn't want the divorce.
I don't know how I feel. I'm sad that my M is over. I'm relieved that the D is over. I wish that H hadn't been so extreme because way too much damage was inflicted on too many innocent people. My grandkids were badly hurt and that's something I can't forgive.
I originally wanted my story to end with H crawling back and begging forgiveness. It didn't happen. I'll be okay, but I don't think H will be. I also think that his affair with the OW took a serious blow yesterday, but that's not my concern anymore.
I met some incredible people on this board over the past two years. Your advice and suppport carried me through when I was so low that I didn't want to go on. I'm much stronger today than I was two years ago. Ironically, I think the strength that H sees in me now was what he wanted to see all along.
Valeria - I posted a couple of days ago, asking about you. Sorry about the way things turned out. I did wonder back in January if he was finally emerging. If you read Hopefloats latest thread you will get an insight into what happens, at least to some, if and when they hit bottom.
The sad thing is that when they do appear to hit bottom, and want to start rebuilding their lives, so many LBS have moved on. I wonder if the Jim Conway stat about so many of them wanting to come home is correct, but it is the LBS who no longer wants it.
thank you for the update Val. I often think of you. You have been an amazing woman thru the hell your H put you thru. I'm glad you have at least this one thing not hanging over your head anymore. You will carry on. Your character speaks volumes for you.
How sad that so many spouses like your H end up at the bottom like this. Sad........not a good word.........more like pathetic. In the end we all have choices no matter what we're going thru. Look at all the people in the world who have horrible things happen to them that pull thru with flying colors cuz they muster all the strength they have to be winners in life.
MLC is not a total excuse to let it be ok to be abusive.
You have done your part Val. I pray rest and peace for you. God bless you today.
brue
I'm alive, I'm happy - why shouldn't I tell the world I've got my head screwed back on just fine. Life is good for the Brue!
The end of the M seems to be something of a teeter totter.
The lower the WAS is, the higher we rise. The higher we rise, the lower the WAS goes.
We observe this often, but don't celebrate the WAS' plight for long. That is because we are elevated above that. We are not elevated because the WAS is down, but because we have become better people. The WAS is down ... because we have elevated ourselves so well and created so much distance between the two worlds.
I think in many cases as has been often cited, the LBS rejects the world of the WAS in the end. We came, we saw, we changed. When faced with the worst cases, why would be want to enter that realm again?
Enjoy your view from the top. You worked for it. You earned it.
I have missed you so much and I am so sorry that it has turned out this way. You will be fine, you know it and I know it. You have had a very rough go of it and maybe you will have the peace you deserve so much.
Honestly, I don't think that you are through with your h yet. He is a very slow learner!
I am so glad you posted, we were all thinking of you recently, and it seems that Angelica started the thread for our collective thoughts right around the D day. Funny that we have never met each other around here, but our cyber thoughts and love are very potent and in-tune.
Such an odd time for you, I imagine. I am headed down the same path, quite soon, I hope. It's sad that our M's have ended, and in such a horrible way. I really could have done without the trauma of the last 2 years. But, because of that trauma, I know the day will be filled with an immense relief and a sense of freedom.
Val, I have always admired your sense of strength, your grace and compassion. You have had a deep sense of patience and love for your H. You have always remembered the good man your H once was. You kept your family, grandchildren and mother in your good care and pushed through the nonsense in your style of dignity and goodness.
And, I will always be thankful for your wise words and comfort when my own sitch got crazier and crazier....I know that we both had similar cases that way. I too am thinking, with the opinions and information from others, that my H's case is way more than MLC and actually mental illness triggered by life events/emotional issues. And, it makes me wonder if they will ever be the men they were. I really don't think so, not without a lot of help and insight. It's sad, but truly not our lives anymore.
I know a part of you will feel a twinge of sadness as you leave H behind in his pit, and if you see him go lower and lower. But, realize that trying to help was tying your life to a sinking vessel.
You tried your best. This is not something we anticipated. Sure, we may be able to look back and see "traces" of some pathology now, but how could we have known?
What matters now is that your whole life is ahead of you, unattached and unleashed from this pain and black hole. It took me so long, nearly 2 years to finally get my vision back for my future. I finally got the excitement and clarity into my own life and future dreams. It feels great, and I know you will have that too.
So, please stick around and let us know how you are. What your plans are. What's next for Val? You are an inspiration to us all....that life may not be what you planned, but it will be what you make of it.
I thank ya'll for your support, prayers and good wishes.
I have to say that this is not easy. Even after 2+ years of separation and one year of not even seeing my H, this divorce has hit me hard today. I guess you go through a grieving process no matter how prepared you think you are.
Today I'm wondering WHY??? I've logged hundreds of hours reading Jung and very article of MLC I could get my hands on. I know more about depression and bi-polar personality than I ever wanted to know. I think we have all asked ourselves "Why my spouse? Why me? Why did my kids have to suffer?" And there's just no real answer that can give us closure.
I have been on a futile quest for accountability. It is hard for me to fathom that some people (like the OP's) have no conscience and no morals. Our spouses seem to lose their compass when they get involved with these types of people, MLC notwithstanding. I truly believe that God will make these people accountable, but it will be on his timetable and not ours.
I have walked and walked today, trying to "walk off" the grief and pain. But I will be okay tomorrow, or the next day. We will all be okay, one way or another no matter how our situations turn out, as long as we keep our faith.
I'm sorry for the tough day. Of course you feel the grieving, because it's not what you wanted with your M. You fought very hard to save it and it will always hurt that it had to end, even if in the future you see that it was for the best.
As much as we say that it was a favor, and our lives are lighter and higher because we are not involved with the people they are now, it still hurts to lose someone who was a great presence in your life.
With time, the sadness will subside more and more.
Sweetie, I have no idea why. I ask myself the same questions. How could I have seen this? How did this craziness become my life? Why are they so mean to ME?
But, I am reminded again and again, with new information and support of all around me, that this truly has little to do with me. Also, that if this is more depression/bipolar, there really is little control they have and the M is not the only area they are self-destructing. You and I have both seen that with our H's. ABout the OP....your H stuck with one OW....in my case, it's an example that it's not the OP that could have stopped this or made it worst...he simply moved onto the next one and the next.....it was him.
I don't think accountability and other normal reactions come into play when you are living day to day, moment to moment, reckless and risky...almost wishing that it would all end with a death wish. Hoping you run into that wall that makes you stop.
There is something wrong...very wrong. And, in an odd sort of way, it helps to make it not so personal to you. It also helps you to see that there is no real "magic" awakening and suddenly becoming this amazing person. Also, you know, if it is a pathology, it would be a very hard life to live.
We got caught in a really bad car wreck. Now, it's time to walk away, heal and call the insurance company!
You did it. It must be a relief. I know it's tremendous loss, but it's got to be a huge weight off your shoulders.
In your sitch, there were no other options for you. I am headed in the same direction.
I hadn't realized it was 12 months since you saw him. I guess it must have been when he told you his OW was moving out of town, and you found out otherwise -- if I recall correctly. I just didn't know you didn't seen him since then.
My H is full of the same lies. He lies about big things. And I don't know what's the truth and what's not anymore. And nobody can live with that.
You did good.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
