Most people here will encourage you not to. In some ways it's good to let the A "run it's course" where ever that may be. Although I also think deflating the excitement and secretiveness is a good thing.
I did contact OW and eventually her spouse as well. When I contacted him I tried to be very factual and only shared information I could substantiate. Contacting him completely killed the affair. His wife did not want a divorce, she just wanted discreet fun on the side (but I didn't know this at the time so I was taking a risk). If she had been unhappy enough in her marriage or her H had not trusted her so much (I think she downplayed the whole thing quite a lot and made it seem like I was just a crazy jealous ex-wife-to-be) things might have turned out differently. But when I contacted him I didn't care what the outcome would be.
It's kind of funny because I think my husband thought that by filing for divorce he could keep me out of his life and keep the secret going. But by filing that divorce I no longer cared who knew or didn't know. Gosh! I even told some people at their work (that was after my husband cut off my home phone service without telling me... after I emailed her a nasty message.... I was absolutely livid with rage over that).
Anyhow, after I contacted her husband it was like a firestorm. My husband immediately called completely enraged and telling me to get my lawyer to square away whatever needed to be done to get the divorce completed. He also emailed me angry messages. He gave OW my personal home phone number, cell phone number and email address so she could talk to me. It was CRAZY!!!! She threatened me with harassment. I was so worried about my husband (we were separated at the time) that for awhile I was propping a chair up under the front door knob because I was afraid he might come in the middle of the night and kill me. That's a little paranoid on my part because my husband isn't an angry, abusive sort of guy. But this situation caused a lot of anger and I was really freaked out.
But in the long run. I don't regret it. If I could have, I would have contacted her husband earlier, but it took time to get a contact number for him. And I'm sorry I wasn't a little nastier with her when the whole thing started. I was way too nice to her. And I do think contacting her husband killed the A and the things I did say to her didn't make her feel great about herself, and.... I think she needed to hear that.
Overall, it was a like a big soap opera.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
