Tucson or Bust, part 3

[fearless]

Mojo wrote and fearless agreed:

Therefore, what I would suggest is that instead of HD offering an "I'm sorry I frightened you." vibe, he should simply reflect back "When I put my hand on your breast, you felt frightened."

Hdog then wrote:

I don't get it. What, if anything, is this supposed to accomplish? When it seems pretty clear to me that what Ms.Hdog wants is me to apologize for what I did, how is "mirroring" going to do anything more than, probably, piss her off?

Hdog, for me I was focused on the VIBE portion of what Mojo wrote and not necessarily with what was verbally said to your wife. You really don't need to feel responsible for "making" your wife feel frightened but I suspect the VIBE you put off around your wife is one of taking responsibility for her feelings. And yes I think/believe that she does want you to take responsibility for her feelings.

What changing the VIBE to mirroring/ understanding her feelings rather than OWNING her feelings will do for you (and the relationship) is change the dynamic to one where, ideally, she can DIRECTLY state her feelings (which she does NOT do right now) and where you can HEAR and UNDERSTAND her feelings while not jumping in to own them. In that way you will feel stronger and she will feel your strength and feel that she can trust and rely on you which in turn will create a more sustainable dynamic for both of you. IMHO anyway!

And Hdog wrote:

Maybe I'm missing the whole "apologizing equals taking responsibility for her feelings" thing. Apologizing, to me, means that I'm taking responsibility for something I did.

Yes and I do think that you touching her when she CLEARLY has asked you not to was a "violation" and apologizing for doing something that she asked you not to do is "okay." But what I read, and I think Mojo did too, is that you were also apologizing for being a man who wants to touch his wife's breast AND apologizing for being a man who "frightens" his wife by touching her breast. And, again IMHO, I don't think those are things you need to apologize for and especially you don't need to even put out the VIBE that you are apologizing for those things.

I hope that makes SOME sense!!