Cold differentiation, fusion and stuff.

[fearless]

There seems to be a general feeling of differentiation as being the opposite fusion I'm not sure that this is exactly true.

Martelo,

Actually I think that differentiation IS the opposite of fusion/enmeshment. Just not in the obvious way.

The opposite of BEING fused is not simply to separate yourself from the person you are "fused" with. That artificial separation is simply the other side of the coin called "fusion/enmeshment."

If you are differentiated, then you don't NEED to create artificial separations to maintain your sense of self. Differentiation allows you to get very close to people without losing who you are.

So fusion/enmeshment to me is not knowing yourself and not knowing how to have self worth based on your own self knowledge so that you REQUIRE others to "make" you feel good about yourself. Differentiation to me is knowing yourself and knowing how to have self worth based on your own self knowledge so you DON'T REQUIRE others to "make" you feel good about yourself. (For me, it is a corollary that a differentiated person will CHOOSE to surround themselves with others that are good for them and that genuinely like and respect them. The difference is that they do it because they desire it and not because they NEED it.)

See how with my definition and understanding I can see fusion and differentiation as direct opposites?

Burgbud said on Hdog's thread something to the effect of compassion and differentiation being mutually exclusive to each other?? at least that how I thought it read.

It bothered me a bit because from what I know I think the MORE differentiated you are, the MORE compassionate you can really be. To me a fused/enmeshed person cannot really be compassionate.

A BIG first step in being able to be truly compassionate is to be compassionate to YOURSELF. If you cannot show compassion to yourself, then how do you show it to others?? How can you show compassion towards yourself? The process of differentiation is about really KNOWING yourself. When you know who you are and respect yourself and care for yourself, then you know that, even when you do make mistakes as we ALL do, you ARE still a worthy person. So you can have compassion for your mistakes because you understand that they are MISTAKES and not a reflection of yourself as a BAD person.

This idea to me ties into the idea of shame issues. My XH had serious shame issues and fusion issues that neither of us understood until well after he left me. I posted some info about Shame a few months ago and can link to that thread if you are interested.







Lil has posted this list from her therapist a few times but I think it bears reposting routinely. Thanks again Lil because I think this is a great list and VERY helpful.

Poorly differentiated people:

Pressure others (important others) to accommodate them regardless of that it costs. “If you love me, you will_______! I can’t survive if you don’t do what I want you to. I can’t survive if I do what YOU want.”

Give in (sell out) because of fear of rejection.

Have to leave relationships emotionally or physically in order to resist the pressure to conform (give up themselves).

Accuse others of trying to control them when others resist being controlled.

Monitor how much they disclose about themselves so as to please others or avoid conflict.

Have families where it’s true that “When Dad/Mom is unhappy, ain’t NOBODY happy!”

Have chronic anxiety that is easily stirred up and difficult to calm down.

Take things personally, are on the defensive much of the time. Are easily “hurt” by others, feel “guilty” for having their own needs, feelings, interests, or opinions that are not shared by their important other(S).

Feel responsible for others’ lives and happiness, and for solving their problems.

Feel rejected when important others disagree with them.

Need to control someone else’s behavior or feelings in order for them to manage themselves. In other words, they need someone to do X before they can do/feel Y.

Rely on external activities or substances that are often labeled “addictive” in order to manage their feelings.


The interesting thing about the qualities of good differentiation below is that you may very well react with surprise that it’s not only OKAY to be some of these ways, but it’s actually pretty healthy, for example not solving other people’s problems, or stay calm when a loved one is “losing it.”

Well differentiated people:

Value their self-respect above all else. This is another way of saying they have integrity or that they live by their values.

Manage their own feelings, calm themselves, and then choose how they respond to others rather than reacting out of anxiety.

Confront themselves instead of blaming others for their own circumstances or consequences of their own choices.

Recognize that "it's not about me" when someone near and dear "loses it" or becomes anxious. They don't personalize others' behavior.

Validate themselves rather than rely on others to do it for them all the time.

Refuse to sell themselves out of betray their values in order to maintain a relationship.

Refuse to project their own conflicts onto their partners, and refuse to allow others to project theirs onto them. They fight their own battles within themselves where the fight belongs.

Know the difference between themselves and others: what is me and what is not me.

Take responsibility for themselves. They do not take responsibility for others’ choices or consequences.

Have their feelings rather than their feelings having them.

Have deeply connected relationships, since they can tolerate closeness without undue anxiety about fusing or distancing.

Support the emotional growth of others toward greater differentiation by their refusal to participate in fused behaviors.